LIFESTYLE ............................................................................................................................... .................................................................................. . HearttoHeart
Esther Fenty provides godly and practical advice on a wide range of issues. Email
editorial@keepthefaith.co.uk
ESTHER FENTY
is a qualified psychologist and pastor’s wife
............................................................ My son has
sidelined me since he got married
I have been a mother in mourning ever since my son got married. I have always been close to my three children and, despite getting divorced, prayed they would get married. When my eldest son announced he was marrying one of the popular young ladies in the church, I was delighted and welcomed her into my family. She was lovely up until she got married, but now has an extraordinary hold on my once-loving son. He’s left the church he grew up in, and now goes to another one, and hardly ever phones or comes to see me. His wife does not talk to me at all. My daughter-in-law’s aunt (we attend the same church) recently told me that I will soon become a grandmother, as my son’s wife is expecting. You can imagine how hurt I am. I don’t know what I’ve done to my son or my daughter-in-law, but I feel distraught and would like to know what I can do to change this situation. I’ve checked myself to see what I could have done, but I can’t think of any reason why I should be treated like this. Eunice, London
Esther replies...
There are many issues arising from this situation. Perhaps their behaviour is not directly related to anything that you have done. However, you will not know until you make some attempt to investigate and deal with the situation.
It is possible that the change of church and keeping their distance may be an attempt by the newlyweds to establish their own identity as a couple, away from what they perceive to be the ‘peering eyes’ of both families. In doing so, they may not have thought about communicating this to you; leaving you to try and interpret their actions.
However, the fact that your daughter-in-law is not speaking to you suggests that there could
38 keepthefaithmagazine
also be something else going on. People will often interpret our actions in the light of their past experiences, or how they feel about themselves. We are not often aware about the emotional baggage that people carry around with them, and a seemingly innocent remark can start a chain of reaction. If your daughter-in-law is not accustomed to a warm open family, she could possibly view your overtures towards her negatively, and would therefore be inclined to withdraw from rather than be a part of the family.
On the other hand, it could be that your son has an issue, and his behaviour - immature though it is - may be his way of handling it.
We do not always associate spiritual warfare with these kinds of situations. The apostle Paul, in the book of Ephesians, exhorts us that we are not engaged in a physical fight (against flesh and blood), but against rulers and powers, etc. There are many interpretations of this passage, but one interpretation is that our fight is a battle of the mind. We are also told in 2 Corinthians 10:4 that our weapons are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations and thoughts, etc. These thoughts, which lead to conflict, need to be brought down by spiritual weapons of prayer, fasting, etc.
Then, call your son and arrange a time to meet. Just explain how you are feeling, and ask how you can help heal the situation. Do not blame or accuse either him or his wife. You are not fighting them; this is a spiritual battle. With a loving attitude, you will be on the road to healing your relationship.
How do I stop open criticism of my leadership?
I am a pastor of a growing church. When I took over two years ago, there were just 25 members; many people had left due to a sexual indiscretion of the previous pastor. However, with God’s grace and the support of faithful members, the church has recovered and we now have a weekly attendance of 200. The problem I am now facing is that some of the former members have returned, and are causing a little tension because everything I do they openly criticise to new members, stating that the former pastor would have done it better, and painting a whiter than white picture of him. I’m at a bit of a loss with how to deal with them. Should I talk with them and tell them not to come back, or should I just pray about it and leave it in God’s hands? Name withheld on request
Esther replies... People seem to have short memories!
This is not unusual. Even the Israelites did it once they came out of Egypt. They forgot the sufferings and how they had cried to God for deliverance, but they remembered the cucumbers, garlic, etc. Today, people will uplift the former pastor while vilifying the present one. They forget that they used to complain about her/him when s/he was in post.
You could think of such people as stepping stones. Although it can feel that they are thorns in your side, their behaviour may be a way of driving you to your knees. I certainly would not tell them to leave, because there will always be a pecking order. If they leave, there will be others to take their place.
You will need to monitor the situation so that they do not drive away those who are young in the faith. You may need to talk to some of them about their loyalty and commitment to the church, and the impact of their behaviour. You could also tap into their skills so that they can be part of projects, etc. As you pray and ask God for direction, He will show you how to work with them. Whatever you do, do not let them feel that they have power over you, or they will exploit it. Use your spiritual weapons!
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48