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April 2012 1


Teens and dating: survive the rite of passage


by Alison Stanton At some point, most parents of young


children will declare, half-jokingly, perhaps, “My kids will not be allowed to date until they are 35!” But as parents know too well, those


adorable tots grow up seemingly overnight, quickly turning into hormone- powered teenagers, many of whom are definitely quite interested in dating. Although most moms and dads proba-


bly did their fair share of dating while they were growing up, for some reason the idea of their own teenager going out with someone else can be a challenging con- cept for most parents to grasp. Fortunately, there are plenty of things parents can say and do to help both them and their children get through the teen dating years,


according to Ruth Lucas, facilitator of Love and Logic parenting and owner of Lucas Seminars in Chandler. She says one of the first things she


tries to help parents understand is that there is fundamentally little difference between a teen and a 2-year-old. “Toddlers are explorers learning about


their environment and testing limits as they discover different things to get into. Teens are doing the same thing, except now we have to factor in hormones and wheels.” Although most parents really want to


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maintain at least some leverage when it comes to their teens dating, Lucas says they should instead learn to focus on what they can control and learn to let go of the rest. “It is important that there is a clear


understanding of what dating is between parent and teen,” she says. “Dating is about having fun and getting to be more comfortable and better friends with members of the opposite sex. Thus, we should all regard teen dating as opportunities to learn how to build healthy relationships and friendships.” Parents should ask their teens what


dating means to them, what they expect from the experience and if they have considered all the ways dating can change the dynamics that happen between friends, Lucas says. Starting this line of communication


and keeping it open while teenagers are dating others is a valuable tool that will benefit everyone.


Become an ally As for the magic age when teens should


be able to start dating in general, or do more specific activities like solo trips to the movies as opposed to group outings, Lucas says these numbers simply do not exist.


Resources


Books: “But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships” by Jill Murray “What Smart Teenagers Know About Dating and Relationships” by Deborah Hatchell “Teen Love: On Relationships, a Book for Teenagers” by Kimberly Kirberger “Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens” by Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D. and Jennifer Wyatt


Website: www.loveandlogic.com


Seminar: Lucas’ next series, “Becoming a Love and Logic Parent,” will begin May 23 at Chandler Christian Church. Info: 480-466-4609 or www.lucasseminars.com.


TEENS LIKE TODDLERS: An area expert says teens who are beginning to date are much like toddlers: learning their environment and testing their limits as they discover.


“There is no hard and fast right age to


begin dating, just as there is no appropri- ate limit to the age difference between your teen and the teen he or she wants to date,” Lucas says, adding that parents who try to make and enforce a lot of rules about dating often run into issues. “Rules can cause their own problems


because a teen will invariably present an exception to that rule, and then you may find yourself in a control battle in which you lose respect in his or her eyes. This only damages your credibility and may lead to your opinion no longer being sought or of importance to your teen.” Instead of going strictly by age, Lucas


suggests parents determine if their teens are old enough to date based in part on how considerate they are in regard to how their social life is affecting their folks. “By the time my son was 13, he was


aware of the fact that just because his chores and homework were completed, he was not guaranteed the convenience that we could convey him to every social event he wanted to attend,” she says. “So he learned to talk directly to friends’ parents to arrange rides when our sched- ules conflicted. This indicates a level of maturity that one would want their teen to demonstrate prior to entering into the dating arena.” As for how much alone time or public


displays of affection parents should toler- ate, Lucas says these also relate to limits parents want to set for their children and can vary from family to family.  “These concerns pertain to the teen’s


self-concept,” Lucas notes. “This is an exciting time when a teen needs to feel comfortable


talking about these


experiences openly with their parents. Their egos are quite fragile at this time, and it is vital that the parent is an ally, not an authoritative adversary.” While most parents probably envision


their children dating other teens they also like and approve of, there may very well be a time when a teen brings home some- one who parents genuinely can’t stand. If this happens, Lucas says it’s impor-


tant to try to get to know the other teen and welcome opportunities to interact with him or her. “The most important thing is to show


an interest in your teen’s friends. It is not necessary for you to approve of every- thing about them. If they’re someone you don’t like, instead of being concerned about the influence that child will have on yours, express to your teen how certain you are that he or she will be a positive influence on that kid.” Although the teen dating waters


can be choppy at times, Lucas says by respecting their children and being will- ing to talk and listen, parents can help keep the lines of communication flowing and encourage their children to set healthy boundaries to help avoid unhealthy relationships. “If parents set limits for their children,


give their children choices and guide their children to learn how to solve their own problems as often as possible, the kids will come to adolescence ahead of the game.” For more information on Lucas, visit


www.lucasseminars.com. Alison Stanton is a freelance writer who


lives in the East Valley. She can be reached at Alison@SanTanSun.com.


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