PARENTING
by Joanna Cunningham
Ignoring is bliss I
am exercising a surprisingly effective
parenting strategy at the moment - the art of ‘active ignoring’. As a generation we are bombarded with
information about how to be good parents. ‘Manuals’ are packed by the stack load onto bookshop shelves and we consume them voraciously in an effort to do our best. This guidance is enlightening and best used, I feel, selectively. When I try to be a ‘by the book parent’ I turn into a barely recognisable version of myself and end the day with a bit of a headache. This is, I’m sure, as a result of stiffl y trying to iron out the personality traits that pop up in the course of any developing relationship. The incidental moments of being a fallible human must be minimised – at least this is how I read it - it’s exhausting! So, ignoring behaviour that isn’t so
dreadful that it needs a serious chat to explain consequences or an indeterminate
period on a ‘step’ of some description is bliss. Recently my (now) six year old daughter was very keen to go for a walk unaccompanied to the beach not far from our house with her doll in a buggy. On the way she was planning to pop into our neighbour’s house to borrow a terrier who would be joining them. Normally the suggestion of an outing like this would be very welcome and I would go along with it adding the caveat ‘but I’m coming with you’. She was having none of it. ‘No, I’m going on my own. I’m six so I don’t need an adult any more’. It struck me that here was a statement I would normally give substantial attention to in an effort to explain the ‘whys’ and ‘why nots’. On this occasion, though, I decided that having said no, I would not get into a lengthy discussion which would, doubtless, turn into a row with stamping feet and semi- hysterics. I leaned down and I said (very nicely), ‘you are too little to go for a walk on your own, if you want to go to the beach we can go together. This is my answer and it may make you cross but we are not going to talk about it again’ (ahh.. such
composure!) I waited, she nagged, I got on with what I was doing, she whined a bit more, I serenely became preoccupied with something fascinating, she whinged in a lack lustre sort of way, a period of quiet descended, I peered surreptitiously over my shoulder and there she was thoroughly engrossed in a game of sliding down the back of the couch on to a pile of cushions on the fl oor. This was an outstanding result. The
strategy in which I did absolutely nothing except pretend to be busily lost in thought rather than enter into a pointless dialogue really worked! Hurrah! I referred briefl y to a parenting booking lurking somewhere and read that I should have gone in to her when she had ‘re-engaged herself’ and congratulated her for being calm and regaining her composure but I opted to give this part a skip.... maybe next time.
Joanna Cunningham is the creator of The
SMARTS programme - an early intervention, arts based, behavioural support programme for Junior and Senior Infants. Please visit
www.thesmarts.ie for more information
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