THE WEIRS TIMES & THE COCHECO TIMES, Thursday, April 5, 2012
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you can talk to a counselor or something. But you can also fuss it out by yourself in the piles and come to some acceptance that this is your junk and needs to be tossed. You got to own the junk
by Dr. Debi Warner Contributing Writer
Dear Dr. Debi, We have been up and
down together. We said and did a lot of things that hurt. But a lot has changed and now we are making a new start. We bought a rehab house and are getting ready to jump in, but have trouble with old things left dangling. We each get mad when re- minders come up. What can we do to move forward? Signed, Trouble Shaking The Past
Dear New Start, A fresh start sounds so
good. A new location, a new project to tackle – to- gether. Seems all new, but when old stuff creeps in, sometimes it can make people double-mad out of surprise. Let’s see what you still bring with you and then how to put it behind. Walking into that rehab
house, seeing the cracked walls, the missing down- spouts, the valleys needing repair, you have the idea that you can tackle and fix anything. That is a good outlook; it helps your in- sides as well as the project. Fixing a house to make it a home is a real good lesson for our souls – that we can indeed be fixed and lived in again ourselves. As you pull apart the
messes of the house and sort the debris, you can let your mind pick through the issues you are tossing from your relationship. If you are angry about stuff and it hurts to do this, okay
to throw it. You can’t throw out someone else’s stuff. Consider your part in the mess, own up to it, and then heave it into the dumpster. You will be pretty tired by the end of that day so you won’t have much energy left over to criticize your partner. That will be a good evening together. So when you arrive at a
more peaceable attitude, you and the partner can sit down and survey the whole shebang together. Likely the old problems had something to do with ignoring communication. So this time around, how about checking in before, during, and after you are doing stuff? Talk together. Look at the
possibilities and mention your priorities together. Maybe make a list. Start listening to each other and help the list take shape as a blend of your two sets of views. You are starting to cook with gas now.
Remember that you are
building a relationship as you tackle each stage in the project. You are setting a vision together, forming joint priorities, practicing communication methods that you both feel comfort- able with, sharing tools and storage methods, and learning how to manage time to master your objec- tives. You also learn how to encourage each other and give feedback that is kind. You won’t have it all set
at the start, but notice the gains you make as a team, from the spring pick to the homeruns in high grass. So what about the angry
outbursts? Likely the best first step is to try to keep dry. When downpours come and the roof is open, you run for tarps. Same with an angry tirade. Can you get out of the downpour and divert the runoff? It will take a bit of men-
tal attitude to be neutral when the angry rain comes at you. But have you ever worked outside in the rain on purpose? You get a no- tion that it doesn’t matter and you stick to the task. Same with that angry part- ner. Just stay calm and not spray back. Remember in-
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side – you caused a bunch of this mess too and so you are partly responsible. How do you confront that anger then? You can name it as the past, take part credit, and ask them to lay it aside to move on. You can say you are sorry. You can inspire a loving future, with the vision you are build- ing now. Not demand, not fight back, not guilt them or shame them into it. Just name the mess, admit you had your part making it go bad before, and your will- ingness to turn around. Then you can be calm as
they may fuss and think and figure out which way they want to go. A loving act is to give them space to do
that. Time for them to think and feel, and come back over to you to see what can be next. You can work on big
walls and also fine finish. Each team project brings new athletic tasks for your teamwork and gives you a chance to listen and en- courage, acknowledge your own and the other’s talents and gaps. You fill in for each other and are strong when they are weak. You go beyond rehabbing that house; you build bonds that strengthen your rela- tionship too. Happy Home Team!
Dr. Debi Dr. Debi Warner is the Founder of Renovation Psychology® and
author of Putting the Home Team to Work, available now online. Dr. Debi provides advice for greater domestic harmony to folks who are renovating their home – for True Home Improvement. This column is offered for enjoyment and enhancement and is not intended to replace your personal medical care. Photo by Bob Jenks, St. Johnsbury, Vt. Dr. Debi has a con- sultation practice, visiting home sites all over New England from her studio in Littleton, NH at the Tannery Marketplace. © 2012 Renovation Psychology® Questions are welcome.
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www.RenovationPsychology.com
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