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A little elderly woman went to her doctor for


her annual checkup. The doctor noticed that she was very spry to be over 75 years old. The doctor asked her what she contributed her spryness to. She replied, “I am a Cougar. I have a young lover.” The doctor explained to the lady that sex at her age could be fatal. The woman replied, “If he dies, he dies.”


*** Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and


the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?” Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you, Fa-


ther. A while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know what McGlynn had a hat just like me and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal it.” The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you


didn’t steal it. What changed your mind?” Murphy said, “Well after I heard your sermon


on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.” The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,


“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you de- cided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right?” Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father,


after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left my hat.” ***


LastChance A group of bikers were riding when they saw a


woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he


didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked...”Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering


kiss. After she’s finished, the biker says. “Wow! That


was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real tal- ent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a


girl...” The authorities think he may have been


pushed. 100 Wide Open


The Mexican maid


asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She aked, “ Now Maria, why do you want an increase?” “Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an in-


crease. The first is that I iron better than you.” “Who said you iron better than me?” “Your husband say so.” “Oh.” “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” “Your husband did.” “Oh.” “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.” (Really furious now) “Did my husband say that as


well?” “No, Senora...the gardener did.” “So how much do you want?” ***


­ GOT­A­JOKE


SEND US YOUR JOKE. IF WE USE IT WE WILL SEND YOU A WIDE OPEN T-SHIRT FREE. INCLUDE YOUR SIZE WITH ALL JOKES. MAIL TO:


WIDE OPEN


502 Hickory Hills Dr. Pleasant Hill, MO 64080


Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the


boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked me, “What in the name of God are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and re-


cuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the


boss asked her, “...And where do you think you’re going?” She said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”


Winter Blonde As a trucker stops for a red light, a


blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds


down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.


As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores


her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing hap- pens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of


her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker


revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she low- ers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the salt spreader truck !"


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