PARENTING
thought that it was only the really viable option open to us. Neither of us wanted to go down the road of asking a female friend, and neither of us wanted to consider surrogacy. How did you find the process of being accepted and how long did it all take? We started in February 2009 and the boys arrived in August 2011. It took about a year to be assessed. We went to Barnardo’s in the end because the councils we approached were pretty ineffectual. We approached about eight councils and the time limits they gave us were just dreadful, and because of government cutbacks in budgets, their services were being cut and cut, so training courses and social workers to interview us weren’t so readily available. Barnardo’s, being a charity, and set up to do this almost as a business, were pretty efficient. We hadn’t really considered them, to be honest, because we didn’t really know what they did, but someone else mentioned them to us and they were fantastic.
And when did you first get in touch with Barnado’s? It was May 2009. And we were approved in March 2010. And I think for us, because we were fairly able to travel and quite flexible, it happened quite quickly compared to a lot of the couples we talked to. You adopted brothers – how did it feel when they were finally placed with you? It’s a complete whirlwind, really. Nothing can prepare you. You think “yeah, it will all be fine’, and then suddenly, these two little bodies arrive in the house and your whole self goes out of the window and you have to do everything for them. Overnight it was like ‘Oh my word – I don’t exist anymore! ‘These two little bodies now need me,’ sort of thing. There are ups and downs. There are days when I think ‘what the hell have we done?’ and there are other days when they might say something really cute and adorable or funny, and it suddenly feels like the greatest gift on earth. It’s a mixture of emotions every day. Did the boys settle with you quickly or is it still early days? Yeah, well they only arrived in August. They settled pretty quickly. There were a few issues that we had – power struggles over food, toys, bedtime, that kind of thing, but you know, normal kids stuff. Kids are pretty resilient and they’ve accepted the
L-R: IAN AND PAUL
whole thing pretty quickly, and they’ve also never really questioned why they don’t have a mummy but have two daddies. They tell people on the bus “I’ve got two daddies!” very proudly, and so on. It’s very different nowadays. What’s been the most challenging aspect for you of becoming a parent? Oh, early mornings! Every morning starts at 6.30pm. I used to sleep to 9 or 10, but those days are gone! And the most rewarding? When the boys call you daddy and cuddle up to you. You think ‘Oh my word, this is so peculiar’ – it just melts your heart. Have both your families been supportive? We’re very lucky in that both our families have always been supportive of us, even before we mentioned that we were going to do this. It’s extended their family as well. My mum now has grandchildren whereas before she had written it off, and
Paul’s parents are only living five minutes away and we see so much of them now.
Are you in a civil partnership? We haven’t as yet, but we plan to when the boys are old enough. Rather than it just being a civil partnership, we thought we’d make it almost like a family wedding, so the boys can feel more part of the process too, so it might
make them feel more part of what is going on.
What advice would you have for any other gay people thinking of adopting? I would thoroughly recommend it. Think twice and then think twice again, and then bite the bullet and go for it. It is completely exhausting but very rewarding. And don’t be immediately be put off if you don’t have success with local councils? No. I think try and find a support network, be it friends, family, professionals or New Family Social – there are lots of support groups out there. Because it is a minefield and social workers can be ineffective, and you’ll become frustrated at how they can lose paperwork or forget your name.
ALLEN AND ADAM
Allen and Adam, aged 45 and 40, are civil partners who live in Leicester. Allen is a qualified nursery nurse and Adam is a self-employed hairdresser. They have been foster carers to a teenage boy for the past two and a half years.
Why did you choose to apply for fostering over adoption? Allen: Basically, I saw an advert in a local newspaper briefly saying what fostering was all about, and explaining that there are so many children in care who need
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