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kid who acts out is probably some- thing like, “This isn’t fair, you don’t have the right to stop me, other parents let their kids do it,” or some other thought which triggers a negative emotional response. Focusing this kid on his feelings of anger and frustration will not change his behavior.
Instead, you have to focus him instead on the original thought or per- ception that made him think your direc- tion wasn’t fair, and the inappropriate behavior he used to solve the problem of “fairness.” There’s injustice in life, and injustice leads to frustration. Or there are times when you want to do something, but it’s just not the right time. And that can lead to frustration and anger for your child if he doesn’t process it the right way. How do you start effecting this change in your child’s perceptions? The next time your child acts out, instead of asking him why he did it, try saying, “Let’s look at what you do when you get angry.” That way, you’re teaching him that he’s angry and get- ting him to look at what he’s doing
16 Divorced parents |
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with the anger. The primary goal of behavioral change is to get people to do something different when they’re upset, angry or afraid. The next step is to ask, “The next time this happens, what can you do differently?” Don’t try to tell him, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or “Those feelings aren’t valid.” Just say, “The next time you feel this way, what can you do differently?” It’s a very different process than the one that begins with “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why did you do that?” When you ask those questions, you’re going to get all the excuses and jus- tifi cations which are so detrimental to actual problem-solving.
Make the shift. Focus on your child’s thinking, not his emotions. This is the most powerful step you can make toward changing his behavior.
Kiran Singh is a Mumpreneur with expertise in running a variety of courses and workshops such as ‘Introduction to Interior Design’, ‘Start your own Interior Design Business’, ‘Public Relations & Marketing’, ‘Parenting’, as well as ‘Social Media’
WEBSITE:
www.vivaciousmum.com
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