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8 Africantrumpet-The voice of Africans Dear Wadenya Still In Love With My Ex-Wife Dear Wadenya

I am a divorced middle aged father of two lovely children. I have been divorced for almost four years. I have dated some ladies but I am being care- ful. I find that I seem to compare these ladies against my ex-wife’s standard! I take full responsibility for the breakup of my marriage and I am writing to you with the hope that you may advise other men against what I did. I met my ex-wife who was an independent, out- going, strong willed but lovely, caring, supportive and a good mother.I attempted to change her but she resis- ted. She always told me that I needed to accept her the way she was,to be honest she was not bad,I was just being stubborn and behaved like a typ- ical African man calling the shots and giving orders. I did not consider any- one’s opinion when I made decisions even though my wife contributed towards our bills. I foolishly listened and copied what some of my friends told me they did.

One day my wife gave me conditions of the marriage or she would leave. I laughed and reminded her that I mar- ried her and it was not she who mar- ried me.I stood my grounds to prove my manhood and our marriage begun to crumble. My ex begun to ignore me and focused on the children and her own life. Within six months she moved out of our home. I was surprised that she left the house, because we have a beautiful house which many people would fight to keep. I figured that she expected me to beg her to return and I did not.

The children spent time with both of us, and we had limited our communi- cations through them. My ex-wife did

not ask me for any financial assistance for her upkeep, six months later she filed for divorce and I paid her off on her claim to the house.

I must admit that it has been a financial struggle for me without her income. My ex-wife and I are almost age mates. I recall when we begun to date, my friends and family suggested that I marry a younger woman as a woman is expected to be younger than her husband. After our divorce I decid- ed to date much younger ladies but it has been a disaster. As a matter of fact my friends who have solid marriages are with partners who are almost age mates.

I Just discovered that my ex-wife is getting married to a man she met at one of my friends home in two months and I feel betrayed because my friend is participating in the wedding but I now realize that I am still in deeply in

love with my ex-wife. I never imagined that she would re-marry. I am heartbro- ken and depressed. Please help me! Dear Broken heart,

Let me begin by saying this. We never appreciate something until we lose it and Pride comes before a Fall ! I am glad and respect the fact that you have taken responsibility for your actions that led to your divorce, however I wish that you would had not let things get to this point without acting on it. Four years of non communication is a long time ,but God performs miracles ,so I suggest that you direct your request to him and also ask for wisdom , humility and directions.

When will we learn that we cannot force change on people, the result is always rebellion. We tend to force our views on people rather than respect our differences. I did not say accept but respect. There are some things we can never change about a person,

some that we can modify and others we can change, we need to be able to differentiate between them and use love, patience and prayer to change what we able to. At times we place too much importance to things that are of little importance. Do you think that you are prefect? So the African man in you married an adult,whom you have described as independent, strong willed, loving, caring and a good moth- er. I am certain that something attract- ed you to each other, but your male ego and your need for control obstruct- ed your senses to the point you were determined to clone and restrain her, as if you were initiating her into your boys club ! She warned you about leaving and your manhood responded ,now you and your manhood are alone! I call you and your friends boys because a man would not allow anoth- er man to run his home while he is alive?

Question, are your boys still with their wives or are you the only boy who played a fool? You did not want to beg her when she left, but you are the one who drove her away and you did not beg?, I bet you all your boys will attend the wedding coming up. It will not sur- prise me to learn one of them hooked her up to her new husband. You turned your marriage of two into a circus and had no regards for your children . Now that I have put you on blast, let see what damage control we can do. Contact the pastor who married you or another pastor your ex respects and ask for their assistance to beg your wife, for forgiveness and appeal to her to postpone the Wedding.If she agrees that would be an ice breaker and immediately Start communicating and explain all that happened and where

you are today. Do not pressure her to make a decision or use the children. This is between the two of you. Keep in mind things have changed within the last four years. Dating younger,older or grannies is not the issue and I always tell people that,it is about being emotional, spir- itual and mentally yoked that counts.Remember that being a head of the house hold does not mean being a dictator or being disrespectful. A rela- tionship is teamwork and should be balanced, each party contributes to the partnership and both parties benefit. Marriage is more than a piece of paper .I wish you all the best of luck and thank you for sharing this with our men. Well select your friends wisely.

Do you need advice or would want to share your story, email DEAR WADENYA through


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“LIFE MATTERS” With Leah Longville 7 life lessons to reviewing your career

personality. The present enables you to see how you are currently putting your abilities to use, and the future creates the map for where you wish to take

Leah Longville MSc, is a Successful Lifestyle Therapist reaching out to us from England.

Leah provides Coaching within The Career Therapy Programme which will your unblock barriers, release your potential, and establish your signature on your career.

Developing a strategy for moving your career forward is important even whilst a global recession rages.

Creating a

Past/Present/Future methodology with regard to your career provides a 360 degree overview on where you have been, where you are currently, and where you plan to go.

The past informs where you are coming from in terms of learning, qualifications, skills, experience, talent and

your career.

Schedule some time, where you can place your full attention to discovering how your career has unfolded thus far.

Lesson 1.

Where have you been? Take time to look back over your career, I would suggest that you chunk your time, therefore create 5 year chunks, which will better help you to create a concise portfolio

of the jobs and roles that you have had during that time frame. With any review it is important to be honest about the journey that you have taken.

Lesson 2.

Inviting Discovery Inviting discovery simply means that you look honest- ly at each company that you worked for and ask yourself a series of questios such as; what was the dominant culture at play, what was the mission statement of the

organisation, what type of hierarchy did the company operate, What were the official and unoffical politics at play. It is crucial that you explore your role, the responsibilities that you had, including both the formal and informal connections made.

Lesson 3. Were you happy ? This question is not as strange as it seems, research has shown that job satisfication is a key compo- nent for mental health and wellbeing, therefore the happiness quotient has to

be factored in. Where were you happiest? Why were you happy in this role - if you are still waiting to be happy in your career, what would it take to make you happy? What would you need to do to become happy in your career?

Lesson 4.

Collecting the evidence - The Career Inventory Having reviewed your past, it is now time to collect the evidence in a format that will create clarity. You can create either a spreadsheet or a simple Word document; create four columns with the

following titles: 1. Name of Company. 2. Job Title.

3. Role Responsbilities 4. Lessons learnt. Having completed lessons 1-3, you can now populate each col- umn with information from your past jobs.

Lesson 5.

Where are you now? Bring your attention to your current job, where are you now? Are you where you wish to be? Is your current role a natural consequence of your past? Is this where you expected to be? Add your current to your Career Inventory, looking at your current role against every- thing else that you have done.

Lesson 6.

Designing your future Take yourself into your future, 5 years from now what will you be doing? What job will you have? What company will you be working for? Will you have your own company? What responsiblities will you have? What will you have learnt about yourself in this role? Add your future job to your Career Inventory, is it a natural progression of your roles thus far or will you be on a completely different

career path? Allow your mind and your imagination to guide you.

Lesson 7.

What is your signature? At this point, you will have answers about your past, present and future jobs, Is there anything that jumps out at you in terms of skills developed, experience, and lessons learnt? What have you learnt about yourself during this process? If you had to write your name against your career what would you say about your- self?

Developing a Career Inventory is an effective method to ensure that you are fulfilling your plans, goals and ambitions. I wish you well as you move for- ward into your career armed with the answers to where you have been, where you are now, and where you are going.

For a free 30-minute con- sultation on how to propel your career to the next level. Contact Leah on: Mobile: +449783 216067 Email: or Skype: leahlongville

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