DEBATING & PUBLIC SPEAKING 57


Gabblers Winning Speech: Multiple Choice


Unbeknownst to some around the room, physical exertion was never a particular forté of mine. That’s right, beneath this Herculean exterior and in spite of my evident masculinity, you will find considerable athletic ineptitude. And yet, as Susie, Jessica and Natalie will tell you, I have been reputed as the finest reserve goalkeeper on the local girls’ football team for quite some time.


But how on earth does this relate to multiple choice? Well, a few years ago my parents noticed how inactive I had become and resolved to do something about it. I was to choose between enrolling in cricket school (and that idea didn’t exactly bowl me over) learning to play squash (but that was far too off the wall) or joining the local football team. It was simply an added bonus when I realised I was playing amongst the opposite and more athletic sex.


I feel that this experience has helped me to appreciate our liberty a little more. Life is one giant game of multiple choice, and as I work through my daily routine I sometimes have to stop and take note of that. When I shop, should I consider how every little helps, or should I try something new today?


And modern toothpaste allows for a wealth of pleasurable dental experiences, so should I choose Colgate Total, Total Advanced, Sparkling White, ProClinical White, Max Fresh, Luminous, Sensitive, Cavity Protection or 2 in 1 for that brighter and fresher smile?


If at this point you remain unconvinced by the joys of multiple choice decision-making, then let’s recall what happens when others make choices at our expense. Every year, children are born into family names such as Tress, Lee and Munk. Though these are all innocuous surnames, a lack of parental foresight when choosing first names can result in calamities such as Matt Tress, Brock Lee, Chip Munk.


It seems extraordinary that some parents manage to make the worst possible choice of name out of an array of at least 15,000! But the point is, if Mr Munk had selected his own name from such a vast variety of choices, I’m sure that his life-long moniker of torment would have been avoided altogether.


However, I’m not prepared to say that we can always blame others for our own misfortunes with regard to multiple choice decision making. Indeed, sometimes we can all feel all too overwhelmed by the breadth of choice on offer, and I for one have been known to make a bit of a hash of it.


Some French restaurants, for example, boast a wide assortment of dishes and on one particular occasion I became a little flustered by this. My lack of linguistic prowess and the pressure applied by my irate Parisian waiter combined to serve up a gastronomic disaster.


Flicking through pages of ‘high cuisine’ as I was pressed for my order, I caught sight of a safe option in the form of tagliatelle and made my choice. I had noticed that the pasta was accompanied by petits rognons de veau, but it was only afterwards that myself and my delicate stomach understood what rognons were. Kidneys.


Don’t worry. On balance, I would argue that even the occasional catastrophe with our cuisine can’t ruin the wonders of being able to choose how we live and who we are through multiple choice. And next time you think of poor old Chip Munk, remember how it is usually better to have made a wrong choice than to have made no choice at all.


Ed Wren


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