Children From page 79
on how he decided he wanted to calmly handle the situation, assisted and empowered him to keep on track with his developing emotional intelligence.
Children Learn Best By What We Do
We are all role models for our children; we all have a responsibil- ity. Every time we interact with a child we have the opportunity to teach and model emotional intelligence and health. Children learn by what they see us do; our well-intentioned words must be backed up by our actions.
As Goleman reminds us, “parents can help their children by coach- ing them emotionally, talking to them about their feelings and how to understand them, not being critical and judgmental, problem solving about emotional predicaments, coaching them on what do, like alternatives to hitting, or to withdrawing when your sad”. And, when they (and we) make mistakes (as can be expected), we can teach our children how to handle a future situation more productively. Not unexpectedly, studies indicate the more parents are emotionally adept, the more their children are.
One mother had a startling, simple revelation recently. She relayed a typical incident of her two children (brother and sister) beginning to escalate their differ- ences into shouting and perhaps hitting. She was about to scream at them (certain to escalate the situation even more) when she
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remembered to stop, breathe, and count to ten before reacting. This mom surprised herself (she really wanted to get angry and “act- out”) and something miraculous happened. As she was calming herself down, using deep breath- ing and self-talk, her kids began to follow her lead. They too, stopped yelling, breathed, and counted to ten. At that point they were able to talk through their problem and come up with a creative solution that satisfied and pleased every- one. What a learning experience - it finally clicked in - for her and for her kids!
Clearly, education at all levels is warranted. There even seems to be a special part of our brain for such skills as emotional self-con- trol and empathetic understanding which continues to develop into late adolescence (16-18 years). Emotional habits acquired in child- hood appear harder to change later in life, leading to a critical window of opportunity to help shape lifelong emotional propensi- ties. Classes to raise the social and emotional competence in children are being taught all over the coun- try at all grade levels under such titles as “social development”, “life skills”, “self science”, “con- flict resolution”, and “emotional literacy”. More are needed.
How to Test EQ
Although there is no specific paper and pencil test to measure you child’s EQ, just ask your 4, 6, 9, or 14 year old how they would handle the situations of our troubled friends at the opening
Aug/Sept 2011
of this article. Better yet, gather a group of your children’s friends and pose these and other similar home-grown situations to open up creative brainstorming sessions. Who knows, you might be helping your child and their friends de- velop into healthy, happier, more productive adults.
Charlotte Reznick Ph.D. is a frequent media commentator and interna- tional workshop leader on the healing power of children’s imagination. Her signature style of humor, heart, and imagery have helped thousands of children, parents, and professionals access their inner wisdom to navigate life’s challenges - from dealing with pain and loss to building self-esteem and academic and personal success.
Dr. Charlotte has been featured on television, radio, print and online media. She has appeared on NBC News, Lifetime, and Public Radio. Her expertise has been featured in USA Today, Daily News, Nickel- odeon’s Nick Jr. Magazine, and online at
MSNBC.com, iVillage, Inspired Parenting, Baby Connection, and more.
www.ImageryforKids.com
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