Raising Children
Confident, Well-Behaved by Cara Herman I
WAS RELAXING on my cousin's deck with my aunt who has been an RN at Christ Hospital for over 30 years and enjoying our conversation about child behavioral patterns
while watching her grandson run around. We observed that he was definitely wound up. His behavior was borderline mis- chievous and was well deserving of his mother's aggregated re- sponse. “Knock it off,” she growled through gritted teeth. We started talking about how important it is to foster children
so that they become aware of their natural skills and strengths. This requires parents or caretakers to pay attention to the clues children are sending through their behavior, and to encourage them to pursue activities, and eventually careers, that capitalize on those strengths. One way to do this is by looking at bad behavior as a win-
dow into the child's emotional needs and natural strengths. Once a negative situation is under control, these points can be considered:
• What need could have been fulfilled to prevent • How could that which is perceived as negative
the child from acting up?
in this moment be a positive? Although they may have used it in a negative way, what strength did the child show with their behavior?
• What does this event tell you about the child’s In the future, initiative can be taken to remind the child how
personality?
much their positive behavior is appreciated before they begin to act up. Traits or actions specific to the child's past can be used to exemplify the desired outcome. For example, the child (a 4-year-old boy) is about to run outside to play on the swing set with the neighbors. In the past, negative behavior has been name-calling and pushing other kids. Positive behavior has been helping another kid off the ladder and taking turns on the swing. You also know that this child wants, more than anything, to be perceived as “tough,” like his big brothers. By focusing on the positive, before he runs to the swing set,
something like this could be said: “(Name), remember what a big boy people think you are when you take turns on the swing
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and keep your hands to yourself. You are so fun to play with when you talk nicely and help people. You’re good at that, aren’t you? That's really tough!” Reminding children of their positive qualities will resonate
with them more than making demands because they are being rewarded as well as guided in appropriate conduct. Paying a compliment in a way that appeals to their needs (he needs to feel tough like a big boy) makes them feel good about them- selves and gives them a reason to want to continue to behave in a positive manner. This insight can be used as a guide when looking into ac-
tivities that might compliment the child. For example, getting involved in a sport, such as wrestling might further enable this particular child to excel and feel “tough” without hurting any- one.
The answers to these questions may not always reveal them-
selves so readily, but by continuing to pay attention, patterns will begin to emerge and strategies for improving child behav- ior can be developed.
About the author: Cara Herman, a Cincinnati native, values balance and strives to maintain it in all that she does. She is continually looking for ways to improve herself and enjoys stepping out of her comfort zone to gain insightful perspec- tive on her life and the people around her. She can be reached at
caraherman@gmail.com.
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