BOOKS
MANNERS MAKETH THE MAN
WE CHAT WITH STEVEN PETROW, AUTHOR OF THE STEVEN PETROW’S COMPLETE GAY & LESBIAN MANNERS…
When we first heard about Steven
Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners, we imagined it might be a slim, tongue-in-cheek exploration of gay scene etiquette. We were quite unprepared for the hefty tome that landed on our desk – boasting a whopping 418 pages of detailed and thorough guidance about the ‘dos and don’ts’ of gay protocol. Aimed at LGBT people and those who
love them or work and socialise with them, the book picks its way through the minefield that is the protocol of 21st century gay life. How should you write an invite to a same-sex marriage? When should you start including a friend’s new partner in invites to social events? How ‘out’ should one be on one’s CV? What’s the most appropriate way to flirt at the gym? What do you do if a man you’re having sex with doesn’t want to wear a condom? When’s the best time to tell your date “I’m transgendered”? The author, Steven Petrow, certainly
knows a thing or two about LGBT life, being the “same-sex wedding expert” for The New York Times, and a columnist for The Huffington Post and
GayWeddings.com. “I’ve been writing a nationally- syndicated manners column for a good part of the last 15 years,” he says when asked what prompted him to write the book. “In the past couple, my email box overflowed with all kinds of LGBT etiquette snafus from readers and it just seemed like the right time to put all this advice into one big book. I’ve written it to help all of us – LGBT or straight – navigate this new world of gay marriage, LGBT families, coming out, bullying, and much more.”
HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU
Ask any lesbian: Gay men are generally quite good at eye contact; lesbians not so much. But there are ways to tell if the person you’re chatting up is simply being friendly and well-mannered or fl irting. Here is what to pay attention to: Eye contact: Does he continue to gaze at
you, not staring you down but making repeated eye contact (and then averting his eyes as if caught in the act)? Someone who avoids your eyes completely, even if otherwise friendly, is probably not fl irting.
Steven Petrow
But are gay manners any different to
straight manners? “Values are values, whether you’re
LGBT or straight. But our weddings, our children’s coming-of-age ceremonies, and many of the other rites and rituals we participate in often have a decidedly different flavour. I want to demonstrate how much language matters; urge recognition of LGBT families and our new or invented traditions; and document the customs and practices of the ways we
Body language: Does she lean towards you
slightly? Does she “inadvertently” touch you, perhaps with a knee of a pat on your arm? Is she smiling? Or, are her arms crossed, in an unconsciously “closed” posture? Asks questions: Someone who asks about
your life or your work – even what you’re wearing – and listens to your replies (yes, even your long-winded stories) is defi nitely interested in you. Flatters you: Usually a dead giveaway. Be
gracious in accepting compliments that come your way and don’t be afraid to make them in return. Unless your prospect is swimming in the shallow end, he should get the message.
From Steve Petrow’s Complete Lesbian & Gay Manners – available now priced £11.99.
www.gaymanners.com
demonstrate our commitment to and love for each other.”
Although an expert in the field, did
he, we wonder, learn anything new whilst researching the book? “I learned – yet again – what a flawed human being I am! More seriously, I did realise that by treating – even those who are homophobic or anti-gay – with a dollop of courtesy and respect you get to a better place. I found myself interviewed by a number of radio hosts who threw stereotype after stereotype at me (“Why are all gay men so effeminate?”) expecting me to fall for the provocation and lash out with something like, “Oh you stupid, badly dressed straight person!” But I stood my ground and explained – over and over – that questions like those were why I wrote this book… to help dismantle stereotypes and raise the level of civility in our interactions. Finally, as an American, does he find the British any more knowledgeable about good manners? “Anything you say always sounds so much better because of your accents!” he laughs. “I think you can get away with just about anything in my book. In a way you’re like Southerners in the U.S., many of whom have a melodious tongue and are as sweet as pie to your face. But don’t turn your back – and pray that no one ever says to you, “Bless your heart.” That’s really a pox on your house!”
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