ASk lAuRie
Advice Column
PhOtOgRAPhy By: Robert Hayman
Styling: Hair Design by AvantGarde
FAShiOn: Petunias 852 5th Ave South
Dear Laurie, I don’t understand my girlfriend. She says one thing but
means another, or she gets mad and expects me to know why – and I have no idea what’s going on. She can also be kind of possessive. We spend almost all of our free time together, and I hardly get to see my friends anymore. When I try to make time to hang with the guys, she thinks I’m going to do something “bad.” She also has made it a habit of reading my text messages when she thinks I’m not looking. It’s a total invasion of my privacy, but I have nothing to hide, so it doesn’t bother me too much. I care about her deeply, and even though she has her “moments,” I really do want to stay with her. Can you give me any pointers on how
to talk to her about these issues without making it worse? - Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, I’m impressed that you want to be a better communicator!
You mention three different issues—the first two have to do with communication and the latter deals with trust. There are several aspects to being a great communicator. The first step is the ability to discern your own feelings and decipher what they trigger inside of you. Once you have awareness, you can communicate in a responsible way without blaming the other person. Another aspect of being an effective communicator is being able to listen without judgment or taking comments personally. Let your girlfriend know that you are invested in having
strong communication in your relationship. Ask her if she’s willing to commit to communicating with you in the best pos- sible way. Tell her how much you love her, and that she can feel comfortable being herself and being honest. Make an agreement to use words in a loving way and mean what you say. Communicate your authentic feelings at the time some- thing occurs. Instead of making assumptions, ask “I’m not sure what you want, can you explain what would make you happy?” When she does communicate in a positive way, react favorably. When you are pointing out a specific scenario, stick to the
facts without using statements such as “You always do this, or you are always so controlling.”
about why you are checking my texts. I feel sad that you don’t trust me. I am devoted to you 100 percent… do you feel that?” Ask “What are you afraid of? Can we work on creating a new pattern of trust in our relationship? How can I help you?” Your girlfriend may have been deceived in the past, or per- haps has difficulty trusting herself. Talk about her past rela- tionship with men, including her father. Ask “What are your beliefs about men in monogamous relationships?” Has she been faithful in her past relationships? Share your personal feelings about trust with her. The more you open up, the more she will begin to trust you. Continue to model good communi- cation, and she will learn from you. Good luck!
PULSE MAGAZINE ---------- 56 Instead, say “I’m confused
LAURIE MARTIN travels nationally conducting impact- ful and practical self-love and empowerment work- shops. She is a certified life coach, certified yoga teacher, and author of the published book, Smile Across Your Heart: The Process of Building Self-Love. To
hire Laurie as your life coach or to purchase her book, visit
www.SmileAcrossYourHeart.com.
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