A-LISTS hollywood by tim parks MADONNA VS Okay, if I hear one more 20-something gay guy profess that Lady Gaga is the “new”
Madonna; I will seriously lose my collective brown expletive! This exchange was overheard during a recent “spirited” conversation between me and one such dandy fellow, leaving me nonplussed. It was in reference to how Ma- donna is only good for “buying children” and “can’t sing or act.” Then there was the real corker that he had never really listened to her “because she’s Madonna!” Oh, really!? Nice blanket statement! And who knew my eyes could roll that far back in my head? It’s like saying I hate pickles, (uh, no, pickles are what I meant) having never put my lips around one (again, a pickle is just a pickle). But it did get me to thinking, immediately prompting a slew of questions to rise from the murky depths of my mind: “Isn’t there some way for these two musical talents to coexist?” or “Why not a good old fashioned Thunderdome match, where two divas enter and only one leaves to reign supreme?” “What would they wear?” Hey, it’s my brain, okay? Truly and most importantly for me is how to convey that Madonna is still as viable
as Gaga. But how to do so...I know! I’ll write about it! So here it is, a diva smackdown: I’m probably the one who’ll get b**ch slapped for what I am about to say, as I try my damndest to explain that without the chicken hawk (or its female counterpart, the cougar) there wouldn’t have been an egg in sight at this year’s Grammys!
The Mo’ You Know I love Madonna so much that I have given her the nickname of Mo. She has been
ingrained in my life, ever since our “love affair” began in 1983 and continues to present day—and now beyond, due to her forthcoming you-can-dance-for-inspiration release dropping later this year! Her persona of this-is-who-I-am-you-can-like-it-or-not resonated with me, along with her take-no-prisoners approach to staying in the limelight. It only wavered once around the time of her Sex book, I didn’t need to see her hitching a naked ride. And no, it wasn’t because she was starkers—I had seen her Playboy and Penthouse spreads with all that underarm hair, gross. I just don’t think Madonna should have to hitchhike. So gauche!
I still can’t believe Bruce Willis said on Moonlighting that no one would want her phone number after 1985! Oh, really, Brucie? Just like now when they can’t say your name without mentioning your ex and Ashton Kutcher? Oh, you so got served! The point is, even back then I wondered why anyone would cross one of the most
powerful, successful and richest women in showbiz history. I suppose it’s because everyone saw her as a flash-in-the-panties performer, with as much staying power as a case of the clap, pre-penicillin. (I’ve only heard that from other kids!) Let me give a stab at it though, for sh*ts and giggles. Besides, she is also a work out,
yoga and Pilates
fanatic...and she’s checking out the bodies and drinking a soy latte, but we won’t go there on the rap portion of “American Life,” girlfriends. Let’s do with two words: Bad. Idea. Oops, there’s a good chance she might either shank me to death with her money clip
or give me the squeeze of a lifetime with her freakishly buffed arms or legs. And, at great personal risk, I know she doesn’t chart as high as she once did, (duck!)
but I still love her music from all eras, as it reflects the changes in her personal life. (So glad she got divorced and is literally being a boy toy again). That was done to show it’s healthy to have a sense of humor about one’s favorite female singer. Now back to our program, already in progress. She has stayed in our collective consciousness for 28 years now, still fascinating al- most three decades after she rolled on the floor during her “Like A Virgin” performance at the first MTV Music Awards Show. Also, 20 years have passed since her documentary Truth or Dare afforded us a glimpse into her true persona. (so bitchy, yay!) Yet, her career isn’t “just dust,” like her graveside observation that “her mother was probably ready for a vacuum”… nice manners Mo. She’s still selling out arenas worldwide; her “Sticky and Sweet Tour” was the highest-grossing female solo concert in history—suck on that, Mr. Dandy. I think that
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RAGE monthly | MAY 2011
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