DECEMBER 9, 2010 / THE SOURCE WEEKLY / 33 I ♥ TELEVISION Fascinating! BY WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY Do not mark your calendar! On Thursday,
December 9, at 10:00 p.m. on ABC, Barbara Walters will be revealing her choice for the “10 Most Fascinating People of 2010.” (Though she’s revealed only eight so far.) Naturally, her choices are a sopping condom full of diaper gravy, while mine are infinitely more awesome. Let’s compare: Barbara’s choice: Betty White. Sorry, old
people, but the internet begging an aging co- median to host Saturday Night Live is not fas- cinating. (Though it is “fascinating” that she made it through the entire broadcast without rupturing her colostomy bag.) Humpy’s alternate choice: My aunt Wanda!
She’s 73 years old, drinks a quart of rye every day, chain-smokes two packs of Pall Malls, and somehow coerces “young strapping bucks” into the sack for loud, regrettable sex. Stomach churning? Maybe. Fascinating? Absolutely. Barbara’s choice: Sandra Bullock. Let me
get this straight: A mustachioed actress gets cheated on by her hillbilly hubby—and this makes her fascinating? (Though I will admit I’m fascinated by her mustache.) Humpy’s alternate choice: Mrs. Wm.™
Steven Humphrey #1 who totally got cheated on (by me) and retaliated by sleeping with every one of my friends, burning my mat- tress, poisoning my Fresca with antifreeze, lending my credit cards to hoboes, rubbing Bengay into my underpants, and somehow getting me on the TSA terrorist watch list. In her defense… she doesn’t have a mustache. Barbara’s choice: LeBron James. Uh… he
plays basketball, right? Humpy’s alternate choice: A can of
creamed corn. Barbara’s choice: Jennifer Lopez. Wow!
Now that’s more like it! Jennifer Lopez is su- per-duper fascinating! (This message brought to you by the year 1998.) Humpy’s alternate choice: Jennifer Lopez’s
booty—circa 1998! Barbara’s choice: Kate Middleton. She’s
Prince William’s bride-to-be, right? Mmm… she’s British and therefore contractually obli- gated to be boring. And have bad teeth. Next!
thursday 9
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE It’s a one-hour Xmas-style Office in which Michael gets jolly over the return of Holly.
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA Dee gives birth, and the guys invite the 27 potential fathers along for the ride.
friday 10
8:00 ABC SUPERNANNY Jo helps a couple with a histrionic three-year-old who throws fits (along with his own feces).
saturday 11
8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Sorry, coke- head. This is not a show about your dealer. Sheesh.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Hosted by the adorable Paul Rudd, with unadorable musical guest Paul McCartney.
sunday 12
10:00 BBCA REBEL TRUCE: THE HISTORY OF THE CLASH Finally! A television documentary about one of the greatest bands of our time (suck it, Beatles)!
10:00 A&E THE HASSELHOFFS The Hoff is in
Humpy’s alternate choice: A Cadbury egg. Barbara’s choice: Sarah Palin. What the
shit?? Seriously? While I’ll admit Palin was somewhat “fascinating” in 2008—in the way a suffocating fish squirming beneath a boot is fascinating—she hasn’t done JACK-POOP in 2010 except star in a failing reality show and watch her clubfooted daughter gain 20 pounds on Dancing with the Stars. Humpy’s alternate choice: Christine
O’Donnell. I mean, C’MON!! The Tea Party blew up this year, totally changing the face of politics, and Christine was their poster gal. And even if you think that’s boring, SHE HATES MASTURBATING. AND SHE’S A WITCH. The only way Christine could get more fascinating is if she married a goat and the twosome opened a Jamba Juice on Mars. Barbara’s choice: The cast of Jersey Shore.
While these TV douchebags aren’t all that in- teresting, I am eternally fascinated by… Humpy’s alternate choice: The cast of
Jersey Shore’s herpes strain! Seriously, give me a microscope and a biohazard suit, and I could watch those little squirmers all day. Barbara’s choice: Justin Bieber. YES,
BARBARA! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES! Humpy’s alternate choice: A monkey in a
red jumper and roller skates leaping over the Grand Canyon while singing the Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes” and shooting fireworks out of its ass. (I really like Justin Bieber!)
Waitasecond… why ain’t I on that list?!?
steve@portlandmercury.com
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monday 13
9:00 ABC MARIAH CAREY: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU Mariah sings holiday classics including, “I’m Dressing Up Like a Slut This Christmas.”
10:00 CBS HAWAII 5-0 Chin Ho gets an unexpected present this year: an explosive device strapped to his chest (and it actually fits!).
tuesday 14
8:00 FOX GLEE Back-to-back Gleepeats featuring the Madonna and Britney/Brittany episodes!
10:00 BBCA GORDON RAMSAY’S ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS The Hell’s Kitchen chef returns home to prepare the turkey and call family members a “fuck- ing donkey.”
wednesday 15
8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET Winston is forced to ask his ex-wife for assistance—who’s even worse than Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1!
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN Season finale! The final two chefs go head to head to win a job working in a Marriott Hotel kitchen. Whoop-dee-doo!
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