by paul montero living positiv A-LISTSe T OOR
O YOUR HEART
OPEN D THE
“…I’m a realist. I don’t expect to get everything from one man,” boldly
avowed Murray Bartlett’s sexy Aussie character on a particularly gay episode of Sex and the City. Whether or not we care to admit it, Carrie’s gay boyfriend splashed us in the face with ice–a cold perspective that struck chords in many of our psyches. Otherwise we wouldn’t have remembered it just now. However, it’s worth underlining that—much like Vietnamese cuisine, Abba, Windows Vista and hallucinogens—open relationships aren’t for everybody. We’re a smart, inquisitive generation of bon vivants who are fueled by knowing WHY
we do the things we do—as well as what might happen if we stray too far from society’s dense moral fog. We find blind obedience repellent to a nauseating degree—and so if the status quo doesn’t suit us, we question it. And why not? While Hootie and his il- lustrious Blowfish once decreed “I Only Wanna Be With You,” monogamy seems to have begun facing the same scrutiny. So the eternal hot-button question stands: how do you find out if polyamory is for you?!? Is conducting “hands-on research” a sure-fire way to send your current romance
barreling off to a quick death? Or is active, mutual polyamory “the future of love and society” as my beloved boyfriend, Stuart, recently contemplated? Short of hosting a “reckless abandon party” in your living room, there’s really only one way to make sure: communicate with your boyfriend. You know…that guy you love? He’s probably got plenty of insight regarding the distribution of your lovin.’ “…tempted by the fruit of another” -Squeeze I know what you’re thinking. But personally, it’s not about finding something new.
Our case is a unique one–I’m poz, he’s not. We want to keep it that way. We’re best friends and we’re very much in love, but neither one of us is ready to risk his health in any way, and we both have…needs. Yes, yes…sex is safe enough to “quench our thirst” by using a condom. Logic and statistics tell a promising story that appeals to our inner optimists, but our emotions sometimes just can’t be convinced. We’ve thrown a few arrangement ideas back and forth—under varied levels of
blueball duress. Sometimes we were panicked and felt the impulse to rush into a need-to-know-only situation with discretion and denial ruling the roost. Other times we mulled over the emotional and social consequence of every single action two boyfriends could possibly consider—only to verbally throw the entire proposal out the window. Some would see this as a clear sign that we’re not ready. Others would say we’re approaching a breakthrough . . . . What do I think? “…I only have eyes for you” -The Flamingos Maybe the goal of this multi-person proposal isn’t a final decision in either direction.
Throughout this whole process, I’ve noticed things about Stuart—things that make me see him in a different way. There are fragments of him that want no part of an “open” arrangement, and yet he’d be willing to go through with it for me anyway. And even the parts of him that are intrigued and tempted by it always seem to come to the same conclusion: even though it would be fun for him to experiment with someone else for a while, that guy just wouldn’t be me. We as human beings spend a lot of time thinking about what our loved ones should be doing for us—so much so that it becomes dangerously easy to take for granted all the wonderful things they bring into our lives. It doesn’t have to take an earth-shat- tering crossroads like polyamory to grant us perspective. Just look outside of yourself and realize that many of your “needs” are actually “wants” with the volume turned up. Besides…I do have two hands and a goodie drawer to “turn my own volume down,” so to speak. Stuart and I haven’t reached a decision quite yet. And that’s fine. No pressure whatso-
ever. Judging by the way things are going, we’ve got plenty of time to decide. No matter what we eventually do, I’m sure the details of our final arrangement will be very “us” in the best way possible. I wouldn’t expect anything less from my best friend.
FEEDBACK?
livingpositive@ragemonthly.com or
blog@ragemonthly.com APRIL 2011 | RAGE monthly 33
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