A-LISTS fruit fly by angelica osborne Has the PENIS Lost its Backbone?
“A male chimp forms a long-term
partnership with another male. When the highest-ranking of the pair challenges for leadership of the troupe, the backing of the sidekick is essential. If successful, they then become the ‘top queers’ in the peck- ing order of the troupe!
Wow. So much in the news right now. There are many concerning and also exciting happenings going on. You know me though, my attention is always piqued with any DICK talk! This week the geneticists are all in a tizzy. They have linked the physical appearance of humans to patches of DNA lost in the 5 million years since we shared common blood with chimpanzees. Even more astounding, these pieces of lost DNA are what caused human male brains to become bigger and to lose the SPINY BARBS from their penises. Doesn’t that just make your sphincter shrink? I know my vajajay trembles at the thought! Many animals have spines made of keratin—the same material that makes up finger-
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nails—on the glans of their penises. Chimps, cats and rats are just a few. The spines are tiny, hard bumps (about 0.35mm long in chimps) that have been described as giving the penis a rough texture like a cat’s tongue (or a cat’s penis, actually). For some reason this has led some scientists to question whether restoring the relevant regulatory DNA in humans could resurrect the penile spines. Umm...why? These are probably the same guys who want to bring back woolly mammoths to life.
Except now they want the woolly mammoth’s ding-ding to have a vertebra! As if a dick doesn’t think for itself enough already! So, the basic molecules for building the spines are still there, we’re just not using them. Soon men who feel that ribbed condoms or
32 RAGE monthly | APRIL 2011
cock rings just aren’t enough for her or HIS pleasure may be able to just pop a pill to let the spine growth “return naturally.” Shiver… For anyone who tries to use the animal kingdom as an example for heterosexuality, this is just another clue that ties us to the animal kingdom and hurts their defense. We share 96 percent of our genomes with chimpanzees. Jane Goodall told us bisexuality is the norm among male chimps. Male chimps form long-term partnerships with other males. When the highest-ranking of the pair challenges for leadership of the troupe, the backing of the sidekick is essential. If successful, they then become the “top queers” in the pecking order of the troupe! Then they get access to all the females’ coochies and bananas. However, their closest
relationship is with each other. They are partners. Maybe this could be one reason why many male humans have gay or bisexual tendencies—inherited over 5 million years? Hmmmm... And it’s not just the chimps. The London newspaper The Independent, reports that a pair of gay vultures at the Jerusalem Zoo has shown humans just how caring gay adop- tive parents can be. “As an experiment, Israeli zoologist Shmuel Yidov took a day-old vulture chick that had been hatched in an incubator and inserted it carefully inside a swan’s egg and slipped it into the nest. Fooled, the pair took turns sitting on it and warming it until it hatched again. Dashik and Yehuda then reared their baby. “They did a great job,” said zoo spokeswoman, Sigalit Dvir. “They shaded him on hot days, they brought him water from a pond, they fed him, they stopped him falling from the nest.” Awww... However, even in the animal world, gays are forced to be straight. In 2010 at the
Allwetter Zoo in Muenster, Germany headlines were made about a pair of longtime gay vulture lovers who were split up for mating purposes, because the zoo needed new baby vultures. They had built a nest together for years! Homophobia is even in the ZOOS!! Help us, Lord. Help us... Fortunately man’s emotions, sexuality and penises have evolved. We could learn a lot of things from the animal kingdom, and one of those things would be to stop forc- ing roles onto people. Let people do as they like, even if that means we have to let the banana fit in to whatever orifice. Just not right here on the branch with us. Thanks... Thing is, we’ve evolved enough so that even if you do—I feel comfortable retreating to my tree ‘til you’re done, that’s all. Later, monkeys!
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