A-LISTS hollywood by tim parks
While I am all for “going green,” and I certainly subscribe
to saving the en-vi-ron-ment, (it helps to phonetically sound out big 50 -cent words and you’re welcome—ap- preciative much?) I don’t always enjoy the whole Hol- lywood recycle program; where they take already-established movies and TV shows and give them a firm rebooting/retooling—sounds naughty and hot. Anyhow, there are two shows coming again soon to a small screen
IS NEW AGAIN
near you, while another is down the road a piece. We are talking about sacred institutions for a gay and lesbian audience
of “a certain age” (you know “old” guys like me, bitch please!)—shows that had us emulating their trademarked moves on the playground, or in bars on Friday nights as a “show of support” for a particular character (glug, glug, glug) on a primetime soap. Hey, Sue Ellen, cheers! The long, err, short (it’s me—who are we kidding?) of it is they are
updating Charlie’s Angels, Wonder Woman and Dallas. Must. Get. Paper. Bag. Am. Hyperventilating. I’ll be OK, as most TV reincarnates crash and burn spectacularly; like the
lackluster Bionic Woman, which didn’t tarnish my memories of Lindsay Wagner’s slow TV run during the ’70s—it was her revealing her sleep number was 69 later in commercials that did it. Hey, that’s my number, too. The same went for the “new” Melrose Place in 2009. By the time they lured Heather Locklear out of rehab, err, retirement to play Amanda Woodward, it was too late. The ratings sucked and not in a good way. However, the re-do’s
for
90210 and Hawaii 5-0 (Hello Scott Caan!) have fared bet- ter. The lesson here is do it right or don’t mess with them at all, y’all! Let’s look at what’s what, as I rip this Band- Aid off.
Good Morning, Angels! Okay, so here’s the deal on the “new and improved” Charlie’s Angels and its forerun-
ner. Once upon a time in 1976, there were three little girls (Oh, Aaron Spelling, they were full-fledged women) portrayed by Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett- Majors, Cheryl Ladd, Shelley Hack (that’s an appropriate acting last name for her) and Tanya Roberts, who worked for voice-over-the-phone boss Charles Townsend (John Forsythe) and were aided on their undercover missions by Bosley (David Doyle). Damn, the Townsend Agency had a high turnover rate—maybe they didn’t offer
dental? Then there was the movie version and sequel starring “Lucy Liu... with my girl, Drew...
Cameron D.,” according to Destiny’s Child’s theme song “Independent Women.” Testify! The films were fun and the ladies kicked ass! The Angels of ABC are now being played by Minka Kelly, Annie Ilonzeh and Rachel
Taylor, with Robert Wagner (possibly) as the voice of Charlie (he’s 81, thus no Skyping, which would give away his identity, duh!), and hot tamale Ramon Rodriguez as Bosley. The Drew Barrymore-produced venture will feature the ladies in need of redemp- tion through a work release program, Townsend-style, rather than the former police women angle from the original. Their collective pasts include being con artists, an ex-marine and weapons expert—
well, we know which character will be akin to Kate Jackson, who always came off as a “sturdy gal,” I’m just sayin.’ The show is said to have a more serious tone than the movies, and will remain true
to its TV roots with a thrilling adventure each week. I can’t wait for the episode entitled “Angels Escape The Ratings Axe,” as I want this show to succeed—but will it? The biggest question of all remains…who gets to drive the Prius? It is the modern
day equivalent of the Pinto that ole Katie and the replacement Angels had to drive, after all.
28 RAGE monthly | APRIL 2011
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