RESOURCES horoscopesby vera divine CAPRICORN


December 23 – January 20 Look at you...the busy little beaver, buying and hoarding things that have a longer shelf life than you do—all so you can be prepared for a rainy day. Tell me something, Capricorn. Why does all of your “just in case” stash always end up “just collecting dust?” Two words: yard sale. I know you’re not looking forward to selling your memories. But I think you’ll agree the best thing about memories is making them! Rummaging through nostalgic dust piles years later only reminds us that we wasted away our youths wearing blue eye shadow! So call your friends to help you clear out your storage space. Not only does sparkling wine serve as an incentive to snare them in, it also helps to create some memorable moments.


AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19 It may just be the gin talking, but I feel a makeover com-


ing! Aww, what’s wrong? Not in the mood? Well suck it up, mister sister! Saint Valentine is lurching his way into town and that faux-hawk of yours is screaming to be put back out of style! You have one whole month before it’s too late. Until then, make some honest attempts toward change! I don’t just mean outward adjustments; I’m talking about those that haunt you on the inside. Strengthen your social connections by examining their effects on you—good or bad. If you feel asphyxiated or bogged down by a parasitic relationship, tear it off like a Bioré pore strip. That may sound harsh, but toward the third week, you’ll see the benefits of a blockage-free life—and pores!


PISCES February 20 – March 20 Taking time out of your busy pants-dropping schedule


to reflect upon private matters would be a good idea right now. Week two will bring a few surprises that you’ll be better prepared to handle if you start arranging your thoughts soon. Health will be a recurring topic of discus- sion, but don’t be alarmed. It’s nothing that a loose dance in tight jeans won’t shake off! It’s hard to tell which end is prettier, so gyrate your ailments away!


ARIES March 21 – April 20 Oh, Aries. Always trying to ram it in when you know it


won’t fit…Of course I’m talking about the flurry of com- mitments that you’re forcing into your already-crammed agenda! If you don’t take a moment to breathe and relax, I’m going to have to turn the hose on you! Before your next venture, really stop to think before you agree to something that could derail everything else you’ve got going.


TAURUS April 21 – May 21 Are you chained to your desk? Is your boss constantly


breathing down your neck? Are you forced into menial labor under a virtual slave driver? If so, give me your boss’ card! I’ve always wanted to be a dominatrix! But seriously, don’t you think it’s time that your inner passion and labor served YOUR purposes for a change...and your bank ac- count? Your true calling is around the corner and it’s


waiting to earn you a living. Just be discreet. It’s a foghorn that’s calling out to freeloaders who will gladly suck you dry…and not in the nice way.


GEMINI May 22 – June 21 You say you ache to gain more from life than what you


get from everyday, mundane activities and you want to broaden your path into unexplored territory. There’s only one thing I have to say about that: You go, girl! Just be careful not to let your head surpass the clouds! Events early on in the month will call your attention back down to mother Earth to address a deficiency in communications that hits close to home. You may be dreamy and all, but no one likes a bighead. Well, actually…


CANCER June 22 – July 23 Are you ready for another uneventful flood of empty


paper hearts and nauseating romance-themed fluff? Think again! While you roll your eyes and yawn at the promise of love, all the other boys are frantically working to make themselves eligible in time for the big V.D.! (That’s Valentine’s Day, for all you sickos out there). We still have some time before then, and your nonchalant attitude will be a refreshing sight to those looking for something other than a romp-and-run with a desperate Romeo. But you’d better drop the act by the time your eager Prince Charm- ing catches sight of you! You don’t want to be caught with your chastity belt on, do you?


LEO July 24 – August 23 You little showoff! That’s what we love about you. But


it’s best to share the stage with others for the time being. Take this time out of the local limelight to better your image with those close to you. Maybe your playmates would like to see another side of that regal mane of yours? A sensitive, more endearing side? Even if you don’t think you have one, there’s a playful kitty in all of us that is dying for someone special with whom to roll around.


VIRGO August 24 – September 23 Aches and pains, creaks and cramps. Whoever said that


life begins at 50 must have had a few extra cans of WD-40 on hand. If you’ve noticed that certain things don’t seem


to be working right—particularly in the bedroom—don’t jump the gun and blame it on your age! Stress can play cruel, cruel jokes on our most vulnerable components. Fortunately for you, it will be easier to treat than a broken hip. Finding release in this age of electronic distraction should be easy enough for you crazy kids and your damn rock ‘n’ roll. Relaxation techniques are always more fun with more than one person!


LIBRA September 24 – October 23 Waste not, want not! Especially when it’s playful


energy you’re expending. An innocent visit to the local adult novelty shop could animate some lively spirits in you! A spur-of-the-moment outing to a karaoke bar could get the juices flowing! All of these are more than appropriate ways of setting the pace of the new year! Your charm is peaking so a romantic encounter could be on the table. Just be mindful of your words! Too cocky a de- meanor might tip your scales and make you trip over your own tongue.


SCORPIO November 23 – December 22 Are you not finding the same gratification you once had with your favorite pastimes? It’s entirely possible that you’ve squeezed all the fun right out of them! Not to worry, my eight-legged love. There are amazing ways you can kick-start your fascination in things you usually take for granted. Picture your workplace as the inspiration behind a hilarious new sitcom, or visualize your computer screen as a glowing canvas ready to be slathered…with color. Get your mind out of the gutter, and you’ll see it’s all about perspective.


SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22 You can’t manage to sit still this month, can you Sagit-


tarius? And it’s not the cushion on your chair or that new oscillating toy with the beads on the inside. It’s all you! There is no one better than you to get the job done. But once it is done, you self-sabotage by creating more work instead of getting any rest! Well that’s going to stop now! Your assignment for the first week of the month is to sit back and relax. I’ll convert you from a Sagit-terror into a “Relax-ittarius” if it’s the last thing I do!


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RAGE monthly | JANUARY 2011


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