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  Dan of the Heavens


Aquarius January 21-February 19 A trip to Asia by you or a close acquaintance will make you realise how much money you wasted over the Christmas period. You could have covered the price of a return ticket to an awesome tropical location plus all of the presents you bought with plenty of change left over. You get the presents plus a ‘free’ holiday. Do the maths and get overseas!


Pisces February 20-March 20 Have you noticed how everyone is wearing wayfarer sunglasses? Yep, ev- eryone. If you’re only just buying a pair now it’s too late. Don’t be a sheep.


Aries March 21-April 20 Always carry a cricket bat. Not only will you make friends with anyone who has a tennis ball, you also have a great weapon for self-defence.


Taurus April 21-May 20


Hand feeding magpies might make you feel at one with nature, but they have short memories and come spring you will be just another target.


Dan of the Heavens “You will be struck by the


Stinky Swimwear Syndrome... - Cancer


Gemini May 21-June21 The Year of the Rat begins this month so it’s time to grow a rat’s tail or for- ever be struck down by food poisoning from Chinatown prawns.


Cancer June 22-July23 You will be struck by Stinky Swimwear Syndrome (SSS) this month. It’s not just you that can smell them, everyone can. Don’t wear them, wash them.


Leo July 24-August 23 Forget fresh flowers this Valentines Day. Opt for something practical - plastic flowers. They look great and last for- ever, unlike most relationships.


Virgo August 24-September 23 Seeing all the fatties at the beach will make you swear to do a few sit-ups every day for the rest of your life and wonder why Oz is so full of fat pricks.





Libra September 24-October 23 This month you will ponder why pasty folk lather themselves in 30+ sunscreen and then lie in the sun for hours on end. Doesn’t it defeat the purpose?


Scorpio October 24-November 22 The temptation to join the Second Life web community will increase after a close friend’s recommendation. Sec- ond Life is for knobs. Your friend is knob!


Sagittarius November 23-December 22 Deadlines will drive you nuts during the 29-day month. It’s better than the usual 28-days but you’ll still find yourself pining for those extra two days.


Capricorn December 23-January 20 It’s the last month of summer and that means one thing, your tanning time is running out. If you don’t have a good crack now you will be pasty all winter.


BRAINTEASER SOLUTIONS 1. False. It’s Michael. 2. Harry Williams in 1970 3. Alec Stewart (14 times) 4. Gramps 5. 1927 6. The USA 7. Dave Faulkner 8. American Gangster 9. Fur 10. Coogee


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