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Putting The Spark Plugs In The Relationship


Five years ago, My Love and I shared our 1.800.723.0188 www.thc-foundation.org


The Nancy R. Chandler Visiting Scholar Program of COCC Foundation, University of Oregon School of Journalism and Communication and OSU-Cascades present


Reporting the Truths of the World


Nicholas Kristof Pulitzer Prize-Winning Columnist for The New York Times Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Tickets


4:30 p.m. reception with Mr. Kristof and 7 p.m. presentation at the Tower Theatre $125: contact kaylward@cocc.edu or 541.383.7257


Presentation at the Tower Theatre, 7 p.m. 835 NW Wall St., Bend $20/$25: contact www.towertheatre.org or 541.317.0700


More information foundation.cocc.edu/VSP


For wheelchair seating and/or assistive listening device, please contact the Tower Theatre at least 48 hours in advance. www.towertheater.org or 541.317.0700.


Women’s Giving Circle of Bend


Generous support from Men sometimes make extravagant


gestures for love. Heathcliff wandered the moors calling Cathy’s name until he froze to death. King Edward VIII ditched the throne to marry Wallis Simpson. Emperor Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as an “elegy in marble” to his late wife. And then there’s your guy, who has yet to spring for sheets, pillowcases, and a headboard.


Sorry, but you don’t have a relationship; you have sex in a guy’s truck.


Sorry, but you don’t have a relationship;


you have sex in a guy’s truck. You can call the guy “My Love,” but he’s given you no reason to believe he’ll make good on his promise to take your relationship to the next level (the sidewalk?) by Christmas 2010—or Groundhog Day 2020. You know very well that this is one of the oldest sto- ries in the world. Yeah, sure, he’ll leave his wife for you. Eventually. When the time is right. When the moon is in the seventh house, and dogs fly and pigs read aloud from the encyclopedia. Your guy has the wheels; the thing


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that’s stopping him from speeding to a divorce lawyer is probably the same thing that always has: any need whatso- ever to do it. Five years in, you have yet to demand (or even ask) that he leave his wife—let alone hop out of the truck and take you to Denny’s. And sorry to say it, but other women walk away with $50 for


first kiss. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other three times a week for an hour. We spend this hour in his truck being intimate. We love each other. We talk about getting married, how we’ll spend our retirement years, where we’ll live, what our lives will be like. Unbidden, he promised that last year’s Christmas would be the last we’d spend apart, that our life together would begin this year. I’ve been ready for this step for three years. But, as the months fly by, he speaks less of this, and I’m increasingly despondent that we’ve wasted another year. We’re both married to other people. Neither of us has children. I know our lives are com- plicated, but doesn’t it come down to know- ing what you want? Should I wait to see if he will be true to his promise? — Waiting For My Love


GODDESS AMY ALKON


ADVICE


the service you’re providing. What do you go home with, more pretty talk about how you’ll spend your retirement years? (Lemme guess: feeding the meter?) Not surprisingly, you spin this in the way


that protects your ego: This is your great love, not pretty good sex in a Walmart


The truth is, you don’t even know the guy outside the confines of the truck cab.


parking lot. The truth is, you don’t even know the guy outside the confines of the truck cab. Clinging to your fantasy future with him allows you to duck the looming questions in your present: What do you have with your husband, and should you try to repair your marriage or get out? Be honest about your situation and what you need to do. That’s how you might some- day have a Love who makes good on his promises—and not just the easy ones, like moving a little to the side so you won’t go back to the office with “Built Ford Tough” pressed into your left calf.


Sloshed In Translation


I’m a man who was deeply disturbed by


your advice for “Not A Player” to “get some drinks in a girl” as a way to make moves on her. For my job, I took a class on prevent- ing sexual assault, and learned that most sexual assaults include alcohol use by the assailant or victim. Your advice normal- ized the calculated use of alcohol in dating. I’m hoping you’ll rethink this and run a correction. — Frustrated Reader I wrote, “Get some drinks in a girl, then


casually touch her arm a few times,” not “casually rape her in the alley.” The guy signed himself “Not A Player” because he has all the mojo of a lost kitten. My worry wasn’t that he’d date rape the girl, but that he’d end the evening by giving her a little wave and running away. Yes, alcohol is often involved in sexual assaults. A knife can be used to cut an apple or mug your granny. People don’t do bad things be- cause they have access to a particular sub- stance or implement, but because they’re people who do bad things. I didn’t invent the use of alcohol in dating, and I don’t write as if people reading me are stupid. Countless people drink on dates every day without any need for prosecutor involve- ment. They do exactly what this guy needs to do: Have a couple beers with a girl so he’ll have the guts to kiss her, and so she’ll be relaxed enough to be kissed (and by “relaxed” I mean so she’s giggly, not so she’s unconscious).


GOT A PROBLEM? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com) (c)2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved.


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