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18 Colour

Horoscopes I

Aquarius Jan 20th- Feb 19th.

f you walk backwards, do you gain weight? Pisces Feb 19th- Mar 21st.

not allowed write Christmas songs anymore. Aries Mar 21st- April 20th.


business. What would you know about predicting the future? If it wasn’t for me the terrorist attack that caused the floods last year would have been foiled. Beat that.


grant eejits, 300 pints a go!!” Gemini May 22nd- June 23rd.

her boyfriend. Unfortunately, you will be so far in the friend zone that when you suggest a coupling she tells you “Don’t be disgusting, that’s not something you should joke about” and you’ll die a little in- side.


O Cancer June 23rd- July 23rd.

n a more serious note, you should tune into the campus radio to give it your support. You have to climb a clock tower to have enough signal to hear it properly, so they really appreciate the effort.

ou will have great fortune in your love life this week when the girl who you’ve had a crush on for three years breaks up with

Taurus April 21st- May 22nd.

ot only will I not be attending the fees march, I’ll be going into town, getting smashed and shouting at people “Thanks for the

hile most people in the Express welcome constructive criticism and suggestions, I think you can shag off and mind your own

utside the weather is frightful, and since there’s a hole in the ceiling the weather inside is piss poor as well. This is why I’m

Leo July 23rd- Aug 23rd.





giant laser sword wielding ninjas. It is of vital importance that this be made into a film, which you need to organise to the best of your abil- ity.

Agony Uncle

When Agony Uncle agreed to ad- vertise for ‘Tom’s Pest Control’ (if it has a ratty face and isn’t from Knocknaheeny, they kill it!), little did he realise the danger he was in. As part of the gag, he had to drive a Delorean circa ‘Back to the Future’. While many believed this was a prop, it was in fact a working time machine. Subse- quently, this week’s questions come

from the past and we find out how Agony has shaped history.

I had a dream...But I eh, kinda can’t remember it. (Martin) You go on to be a leader of men and this speech is of the most pro- found importance for all civil rights and for the conscience of mankind generally. Your dream consisted of dragons. They fight

One day some guy is gonna walk on the moon. I know I’m only a kid, but darn it, I think I could be that man! (Buzz) Oh poor little naive child. You did well to write to me. There are plenty of realistic jobs for you to aspire to, the mining industry is thriving. Ambition is a virus; you have to just hope all the drugs you ingest defeat it. Realising this will leave you angry and feeling help- less. Use that anger. Put it into a lit- tle ball and release it at the opportune time, like antagonising a referee during half time when your son’s team are losing.

Writing is hard; there is so much structure and little rules to re- member. I wish there was an eas- ier way. (James Joyce)

sually I don’t condone child labour, but those little bastards sure know how to make a good pair of runners. My fingers

would be too big and clumsy for delicate stitch-work like that. Virgo Aug 23rd- Sept 23rd.

every day (drinking water, in tea etc.) every day for 21 years, that would be 38,325 glasses altogether, which has been through around 229,950 people. This is slightly less than the population of Cork, making it quite likely you’ve drank water your friends have peed out already.

Libra Sept 23rd- Oct 23rd.

re you paying full attention to your business life? If not, an im- portant opportunity will pass you by, in the shape of the number

8 bus you could have thrown yourself in front of. Your business life is seriously bad.

Scorpio Oct 24th- Nov 22nd. eminder: your registration fee pays to keep me writing this. Sagittarius Nov 23rd- Dec 21st.

ometimes I think it’s definitely ok to lie on your CV. Over the summer I got a job as an ambulance driver that I wouldn’t have

gotten without a little fib. Eventually they realised I couldn’t drive, but I don’t think they were too angry, that patient was probably going to die anyway.

Capricorn Dec 22nd- Jan 20th.

very once on a while I wonder if I’m the only person who really exists. Descartes did say “Cogito ergo sum”, I think therefore I

am. That I am a thinking thing, is this the only thing I can know for certain? I can live my life regardless but it was too much for Descartes, who used to beat his wife savagely until he had a break- through.

ecently it emerged that the average glass of water in a city has been through 6 people. If you drink the equivalent of 5 glasses

October 26th 2010

Boy, are you lucky. You know all those stupid throw away thoughts we have? We filter them, because generally speaking, if we just said what we thought all the time, peo- ple would think we were obnox- ious. Just write those thoughts in a long stream. It makes you a genius apparently.

I tell them the world is round. Yet they chastise me. What is a poor scientist to do when such ir- rationality rules the world? (Christopher) Will your face be red! The world is in fact flat and approximately 5000 years old. Christian Science will be proven infallible and you’ll be all like, “OMG, tots random Pope!” I jest of course, as you will have the last laugh. You’ll even get a lovely apology... hundreds of years after you are dead. Say what you will about the church, they’re big enough to admit when they are wrong once it has been irrefutably proved they were incorrect, after

they tortured those who disagreed and once all those involved have died.

Life is a fleeting look from a passing face, temporarily inter- ested then nothing. We die before we are born, and are mocked season by season from falling leaves and re-born buds. What chance has a paltry plate of love, lost at the banquet of misery, de- rision, hate and finality. (Plath) Technically that wasn’t a question Sylvia. It was more a morose as- sessment of the hopelessness you feel, a declaration of the inner emptiness from the chemical battle in your mind for stability and the emotional struggle for sense of self. Luckily however, if rodents are a problem I have the perfect so- lution! ‘Tom’s Pest Control’ takes care of all infestations, so while suicidal tendencies may prove haz- ardous, vermin should not.

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