to be one. Apologize. This is something some
men don’t do very well — they can be arrogant, they blame others for their problems and emotions. They see apologies as caving in. “You win. I lose.” Telling your son that you are sorry you
over-reacted, that you didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, that you made a mistake goes a long way, not only in repairing the relationship, but in teaching him an invaluable lesson about responsibility and humility. You’re teaching him that it’s important to be aware of your impact on others. And when it’s hurtful, or not what you intended, you step up and say so. Apologize to make it right. Love your partner. Certainly a strong
relationship with your partner provides a solid foundation for your son’s development, but what he needs to see most is how you get there and keep it up. You are a model, often the only model, for showing your son how intimate relationships work — handling differences, showing affection and respect, managing your own emotions. You don’t need to be perfect, but you need to be proactive. You don’t always need to be calm, but you do need to be clear and sensitive. Skip the speeches or lectures. Instead just focus on everyday-integrity — do what you say and believe.
Stepping up. If any of this seems a bit
overwhelming, don’t worry. You have plenty of time and plenty of room to make mistakes. Kids are forgiving. If you’re not sure how you’re doing as dad, simply step back and take stock: Can your son come to you with his problems? Can he share his emotions? Can he respect your advice? If he can, you’re on solid ground. And, if you both are struggling, if he
is pulling away, or dismisses what you say, is afraid to come close — it’s up to you to change the dance, to break the pattern. Approach, even if he initially pulls back. Talk, even if he is silent at first. Spend time together and offer positives. Don’t worry about doing it right. Focus on doing it different. And don’t underestimate your influence or your impact. After all, you’re his dad.
Bob Taibbi has 36 years experience working with parents and children. He is the author of several books and more than 140 magazine and journal articles. He is currently in private practice in Charlottesville, and can be reached online at
bobtaibbi.com.
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1791 Airport Rd, Charlottesville (434) 973-4075
1791 Airport Rd, Charlottesville (434) 973-4075
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