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15 Features Aquarius Jan 20th- Feb 19th.

leave his house without checking the horoscopes since that time I successfully predicted the college’s man flu epidemic.

I Pisces Feb 19th- Mar 21st.

no bin within a 5 meter radius, you get to make them eat the flyer. Taurus April 21st- May 22nd.

more distressed three and a half weeks later when you discover you’ve forgotten about it because Glee was on later that day. You idiot.



ll credit must go to Guinness, who figured that traditional mar- keting was unnecessary and inefficient when compared to pick- ing a day and telling Irish people to drink.

A Gemini May 22nd- June 23rd.

he badger has left the coop. I repeat, the badger has left the coop. Bring me a Danish pastry, I’m hungry.

Cancer June 23rd- July 23rd.

n Wednesday you will be distressed when you find one of your project deadlines will be only a month away. You’ll be even

y neighbours keep complaining that I’m violating community noise rules. It’s not my fault dogs make so much noise when I

have them fight in my garden. Aries Mar 21st- April 20th.

ews has reached me that UCC have changed the rules about ad- vertising on campus. If someone hands you a flyer and there’s

can’t believe I wasn’t the deemed the most influential person in UCC. Everyone knows UCC President Michael Murphy won’t

Leo July 23rd- Aug 23rd.




people feel I am stereotyping some courses then you are quite percep- tive. That is exactly what I’m doing.

Dr. Agony Uncle

Why does a supposed newspaper have a creative writing section? The whole thing reeks of dilution to me. Like, ye couldn’t get enough strong news features or opinion like Trinity clearly. (Tar- quin)

Agony Uncle refuses to see his views as cynical. In a recent Vanity Fair spread, his lighter side was revealed as he admitted to being involved in immigration causes. Unfortunately, an Interpol investi- gation means he is writing this week from an EU prison awaiting trial for human trafficking.

Dear Agony Uncle, I am a first year commerce student and I am

sad. My daddy did not buy me the right converse even though I asked him nice. (Samantha)

Did you write that all by yourself? Look at you with your grown up words! Samantha, you are not al- lowed wear converse. Those are the reserve of arts students. They feel aggrieved at the fact their course points are lower than yours, and yet people insult you more. The paradox rankles with them. If

Well those are some harsh... Wait a sec. Didn’t you submit a rejected poem, “My Sad Sad Guitar Sere- nades Penelope”? Yeah, we were sorry to not print that, but we were afraid the wank would make the pages stick together. Also, there is nothing wrong with diversifying a paper, like Trinity have nice adver- tising for the Irish Times. Say, don’t the Irish Times judge the Stu- dent Media Awards category they won? Or wait, UCD won this year. I forget they take it in shifts. It’s UCC’s turn once one of our alumni gives us enough cash.

egardless of what anyone thinks, I actually do have a degree in astrology. I’m just doing this gig until I can predict a murder

and get on TV. Virgo Aug 23rd- Sept 23rd.

fter a few weeks of making eye contact with the pretty girl on your Tuesday morning lectures, you will work up the courage

to go and talk to her. Unfortunately, you will find that she only stares at you because you’re weird looking, and if you talk to her again her athletic boyfriend will curb stomp you.

Libra Sept 23rd- Oct 23rd.

ould I have any more email addresses? Answers to horo-

Scorpio Oct 24th- Nov 22nd.

was happy to meet some of you during Societies’ Day, but others not so much. Especially the shoving types. Bump into me once,

shame on me. Bump into me twice, I end your life. Sagittarius Nov 23rd- Dec 21st.

arcasm is the lowest form of wit is it? Yeah, cos your knock knock jokes are fucking hilarious.

Capricorn Dec 22nd- Jan 20th.

he British Labour elections was a well run campaign, with Ed Miliband, David Miliband and Steve Miller Band all showing

their class.

Sex frightens me. I’m not like a virgin, but college is different to my home town. Promiscuous na- ture seems to be a necessity here, and I feel a little pressured. What should I do? Oh, and I’d like to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, lol! (Anon)

I pitied you. Then you used lol. Hi UCC, this man’s name is Ernest Spielgar, and he’s living on 12 Al- glade Road. His first year Chem- istry class generally keeps him occupied until he plays football with Lakewood on the weekends. Chat to him over Facebook or just send snide remarks his way. Far be it from me to judge, but now maybe you’ll think before defiling our paper. Does lol stand for ‘loser, obviously lonely’?

To be or not to be. That is the question. And it has to be on Fri- day, so what the hell does it mean! (Frank)

The lecturer is essentially asking

you to write vague, pseudo intel- lectual sounding things for what- ever word count is given. Just

Not now damn it! I’m on trial and you really aren’t helping... Who- ever you are. Cough.

ramble and use a thesaurus. If in doubt remember the golden rule. If it is practical, sounds reasonable or like it is attached to reality, then it is not philosophy.

What entitles you to offer advice to people? You mock them, and some of them suffer from serious problems? (Antoinette)

Your name is Antoinette? Your par- ents are the kind of people who are tragically ironic and post modern right? They think, we’ll name our daughter after a terrible excuse for a human being as a joke. Little do they realise you, from birth, are in- stilled with the obnoxious spirit. In your incidence, you can’t help but get on your high horse every time the opportunity arises. If people have serious problems and they think I am a solution, then my job is to clean the gene pool so to speak.

Are we to clean the house any- more Mr Agony? (Consuela)

September 28th 2010

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