A-LISTS it’s a girl thing by henrietta henry
A Guide for LOVE FROM A LEZZIE AWESOME GROUPIE (LAG) In between fantasies of putting a giant dunk tank above the oil spill and inserting certain politicians into it and wrapping up another
grueling quarter in school, my best friend found a boyfriend. My best friend has had a few flings before this, but I’ve never seen him act this way. While I’ve been supportive, secretly I’ve taken, shall we say, umbrage with how the whole thing has been playing out. As his best Lag (Lezzie Awesome Groupie – not to be mistaken with Hag, Hetero Awesome Groupie) I feel like there are certain things he should take into consideration when getting serious with a guy. So I decided to make a little guide for all the other spring-fevered gay guys falling in love out there who may be interested in what their Lag’s or Hag’s are really thinking about the new beau…and some pointers that might help in any “interesting” situations.
1) Be careful that you don’t talk about this new guy CONSTANTLY! This is espe-
cially important if your Lag or Hag is single and looking, newly single and heartbroken, or (heaven forbid) desperate and bitter. Be careful not to divulge with diarrhea mouth. When you bring him up, let your Lag or Hag ask the questions. 2) Don’t try to bring the new guy every time you hang out with your Lag or Hag.
This will make her feel like a third wheel if she falls into one of the above mentioned categories, and that’s no good. Plus, she probably still just wants to hang out with you primarily while things are still new with Prince Charming. Keep the three-way dates to a minimum at first. 3) Never ditch out on plans with your Lag or Hag for the new guy. Ugh, there’s nothing worse than breaking plans with your BFF of a million years to hang out with someone you’ve known for two days. Keep it classy by keeping plans in place. 4) If you have a Lag, be aware of her male junk sensitivity rating. I feel like I’m
an exception in this category—my best friend could give me a dissertation about his boyfriend’s junk in all its glory and I would have no problem hearing about it. Other Lag’s may be either slightly squeamish or aren’t trying to hear it at all. Be sure to keep this in mind when dishing the juicy details about sexy time. 5) Don’t expect your Lag or Hag to take the new guy too seriously at first if you’ve had seven or eight “boyfriends” in the past three months. The latest might
seem like the greatest to you, but if you’ve got a spotty reputation that your Lag or Hag is well aware of, don’t expect her to start picking out attire for your wedding just yet. If he lasts more than a few months, she’ll come around. 6) If your Lag or Hag is a good judge of character, LISTEN to her! She knows you
better than anyone; why wouldn’t she know if the new guy is right for you? Take her advice seriously. But be wary if your Lag or Hag is an absolutely awful judge of character and wouldn’t know a good thing if it dropped on her head like an anvil. It might be best to leave her out of the decisions at that point. And hopefully your Hag isn’t secretly in love with you and is just coming up with BS reasons why your new guy is no good. Be wary of Hags who remind you of Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. You don’t want to bring your new guy home and find a boiling rabbit on the stovetop. If you take these words to heart, you’ll be able to integrate your new flame with your
Lag or Hag smoothly. Believe me I know; 90 percent of my friends are gay males and I’ve heard some horror stories about things getting pretty messy with their new guy and respective Lags and Hags. What can I say? Us queers are an interesting bunch! And as for me, I meet my best friend’s new guy in a few days, and I’m hoping he’s as amazing as I’ve been told. Because my best friend deserves nothing less than amazing —and you can bet that I’ll know if he’s not!
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itsagirlthing@ragemonthly.com or
blog@ragemonthly.com 30 RAGE monthly | JULY 2010
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