Before I Flat line


I can be what you dream I am and probably more or I can cease to exist through the litter and trash of your past, so make your decision.


This can be the last line of a love that never got a chance, or perhaps the line in my mind at this current moment when I think of where my heart is located.


Decisions, decisions, decisions; so many choices in life I am traumatized but my own ignorance and lack of understanding of myself. Sounds peculiar but when it comes to love I am. I have made the bad decisions and I am tired of that. I have had plenty women in my bed, have had plenty women I could’ve had in my bed, had fell in love, been in and out of love and had seen the grasp of my future cease to exist in the cotton fabrication of what is inside of me. But I have managed to breakdown the cotton inside of me to find the silk on the outer layer. I am not what too many females want apparently, so I say to myself before I find myself out in society feeling like a piece of meat, and at the same time being judged and confused because of my demeanor. I am slightly intelligent but more have the gift of understanding, I can write or convey my thoughts, I am not great at it but I do it anyway, I have a particular style and class, looks wise I do not know, I am alright, I take care of myself, but over the years I have become sensitive. There are women I could take advantage of, but to me life is bigger than that. My ultimate goal in life is the love of life and love of my life so I can say I love my life.


There is a difference between wanting to be loved and having the ability to love. Throughout my life I have had the desire and ability to love, but with the type of life I have lived and the pressures of my everyday life, wanting to be loved was not as strong of a feeling. When you endure so much pain, you become numb, feeling as if you are not supposed to be loved. I mean shit at the current moment I still feel that way, shit I mean like people do not really understand the significance of care. Everything is not always about just actions but expression as well. People push away the things that can be great for them because they try to hard to understand when all it takes is to open the eyes which will send a message to the brain and send a shock to the heart. I mean I truthfully wonder sometimes if I should feel sorry for myself, I mean I want to give excuses, I want to pour my heart out, I want to be someone’s dream man, but how can you be someone’s dream man if they do not embrace you? I mean shit I am nothing but a human being not Godly or perfect but damn I do try my hardest. As situations come to the forefront in the stream of conscience limitations are set by us as human beings and nothing else. Time keeps moving and we keep yearning, institutionalizing what should be, but not what we can make of ourselves. I want to be in love, and dream of love but what to do when it seems like even those people who seem to perhaps be perfect for you, push that away? Do you become the type of emotionless person everyone else is and have sex with everything that is moving? Do you now become the type of person who causes wedges between relationships? Do you use abilities of seduction to destroy what everyone else has because of jealousy? Or do you fallback and become more introverted than you already were? Shit I look at myself and realize I want a real relationship not just a relationship to say that I am in one, but also a real relationship. Realistically support, care, and


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