JUDGING by comments on the Pitchcare Message Board, Health & Safety and Legislation are big issues. Some might say that this Government’s bodies are over cautious with their legislation. Imagine what might have happened if H&S had been around for the Battle of Trafalgar ....
“Order the signal Hardy” “Aye, aye, sir.”
“Hold on! That’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What is the meaning of this?”
“Sorry sir.”
“England expects every person to do his duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability? What gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy I’m afraid sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We have the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke- free work environments.”
“In that case, break out the rum ratio. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It is part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we had better get on with it then. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you will find there is a 4-knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir.”
Half Nelson - Health & Safety? enemy!”
“Damn it man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
That won’t be possible, sir. Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected.”
“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
“He is busy constructing wheelchair access to the Fo’c’sle, Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access!. I have never heard anything so absurd!”
Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled? I have only one arm and one eye, and I refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.”
Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
“Whatever next. Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won’t let the crew up the rigging without safety helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing too much salt.”
“I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the
“The men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny.”
It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?”
“Actually sir, we are not.” “We are not?”
“No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
“But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you say that, sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary charge.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
“Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in the multi- cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest: it’s the rules.”
Don’t tell me - Health & safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained sir, rum is off the menu. And there is a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“I believe it is to be encouraged, sir.”
“In that case - kiss me, Hardy!”
Forward THINKING MAY
17th to 21st - England v West Indies, 1st npower Test, Lord's (
www.cricketworld.com)
22nd to 24th - SED 2007, Rockingham Motor Speedway, Northants (
www.sed.co.uk)
22nd to 26th - RHS Chelsea Flower Show, Royal Hospital, Chelsea (
www.rhs.org.uk/chelsea)
25th to 29th - England v West Indies, 2nd npower Test, Headingley (
www.cricketworld.com)
JUNE
1st to 2nd - Vodafone Derby Festival, Epsom Racecourse (
www.epsomdowns.co.uk)
7th to 11th - England v West Indies, 3rd npower Test, Old Trafford (
www.cricketworld.com)
11th to 17th - The Artois Tennis Championships, Queens Club (
www.artoischampionships.com)
13th to 17th - BBC Gardeners World Live, NEC, Birmingham (
www.bbcgardenersworldlive.com)
11th to 17th - US Open Golf Championships, Oakmont County Club (
www.usopen.com)
25th to 8th July - The Championships, All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon (
www.wimbledon.org)
JULY
1st - Natwest ODI, England v West Indies, Lord’s (www
cricketworld.com)
3rd to 8th - Hampton Court Palace Flower Show, London (
www.rhs.org.uk)
4th - What Kit? Live, Reaseheath College, Cheshire (
www.reaseheath.ac.uk)
7th - Natwest ODI, England v West Indies, Trent Bridge (
www.cricketworld.com)
19th to 22nd - The Open Golf Championship, Carnoustie (
www.opengolf.com)
Quote me happy!
“The fat lady hasn’t started singing yet, although she might be clearing her throat.” Watford FC manager Aidy Boothroyd prepares for the worst.
“It’s a 12k race, and to give you an idea of how far that is, it’s 12000 metres.” Sky TV commentator during the cross country championships.
“There were four teams in the draw and we were always going to be drawn against one of three, either home or away.” Graham Dawe, Plymouth Albion’s Director of Rugby after the Semi-Final draw of the EDF Trophy.
“No they don’t merit being in the lead but they deserve it.” John Robertson on Inverness leading Celtic at half time in the Scottish Cup.
“Dwayne Leverock is fielding at first slip, second slip and third.” David Lloyd commentating on the 20-stone Bermudan cricketer.
“The team colours of both
these sides need no introduction - Tottenham are in white and Chelsea are in blue.” John Motson at the kick-off of the Spurs v Chelsea FA Cup replay.
“I have seen Arsenal and Man United and they are both football teams.” Liverpool youth coach Steve Heighway.
Design of the times?
Earlier in this issue, Golf Course Architect, Jonathan Gaunt, gives us the low down on good design. Sadly the 7th at Stone
Harbor Golf Club in the USA isn’t one of them! Designed by committee me thinks!
DATES FOR YOUR DIARY
27th - TGA Turf Show, County Turf, Lincolnshire (
www.turfshow2007.co.uk)
19th to 22nd - England v India, 1st npower Test, Lord’s (
www.cricketworld.com)
27th to 31st - England v India, 2nd npower Test, Trent Bridge (
www.cricketworld.com)
To add your event to Forward Thinking please email details to
ellie@pitchcare.com and don’t forget that you can add it to Pitchcare’s online calendar yourself! Simply log on to
www.pitchcare.com, select ‘Calendar’ in the Home drop down button on the top banner and click on “Add event’ at the top of the page.
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