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“Let sleeping dogs lie. Let waking men exaggerate ” – Red Green

RED GREEN

The Younger Woman Thing

I bumped into an old buddy I hadn’t seen since high

school. He’s just re-married and his new wife is 27 years younger than he is. Naturally, when you see something like that, it’s only

human nature to ask yourself: “Why him?” Or even more courageously: “Why not me?” And how does a guy in his 50s meet a 25 year-old woman

in the first place? (Maybe when she picked up her parents from his bridge club.) I try to picture a wispy young thing having a latte at the

Second Cup when a middle-aged balding fat guy comes over and says: “Maybe we should go out sometime.” And then she says: “Sounds like fun.” Huh? It’s all too surreal for me. So you guys out there with wives your own age, you’re the

real men. Anybody can impress a naïve young thing. It’s a lot harder to tough it out with a woman who’s been around the block a few times. A woman who’s gone to bed with you for the last 30 years. And is planning to be there again tonight. Unless she meets some 90-year-old smooth talker at the

Second Cup.

The Whole World in your Hands

I find that generally women like to keep souvenirs

and pictures and mementos a lot more than men do. We probably have half a dozen photo albums and boxes of kids’ paintings in our house. Most men don’t need that stuff. They can take a trip

down memory lane just by looking at their own hands. Take a few minutes on a Saturday morning and look at your hands. Turn them over slowly so you can see all the scars and nicks, and it’s amazing how the memories will come flooding back. How can you look at that thumbnail without

remembering the dock you built and then re-built and then hired a guy who charged too much because he’d seen your work? When you notice the one with the missing hair, it

reminds you which hand you use to light the barbecue. Some of the marks bring back simple images – a

chainsaw, a Cuisinart, a nail gun. Some of them remind you of locations – up on the

roof looking down, followed immediately by down on the ground looking up – under the car – inside the furnace – over the steam valve – inside the ambulance. But you don’t want to look back too much. So drop your hands, pick up your toolbox, have a

couple of aspirins. And go make some memories.

48 BOUNDER MAGAZINE

The Art Of Avoiding Conversation

Here are 5 Survival Tips on how to keep a marriage

smoking long after the fire has gone out. 1. Be very quiet when she’s talking. If she stops talking, always wait a full minute before speaking. She may not be finished.

2. Do not change the subject. Even if you have to speak first, you can usually figure out what she wants to talk about. For example, if she’s trying to clean an oil stain on the kitchen floor, she probably wants to talk about you trying to fix the lawnmower in the sink.

3. Watch her body language. Alter what you’re saying in response to what she does. If she stops doing her nails and starts sharpening a knife, it’s time for you to do a one-eighty.

4. Maintain eye contact. If you can’t see her eyes, you have no idea how things are going. If you’re working on the car and she asks you about plans for the weekend, take the time to roll out on the creeper so you can see her response rather than just yelling: “I’m going fishing with Bob! I told you that last week!” from under the car. Remember, she has access to heavy tools and the lower half of your body is exposed. Always maintain eye contact. Don’t have conversations in the dark and don’t talk to your wife on the telephone unless you’re a professional.

5. Keep your sentences short. Five words maximum. That allows you to change quickly if it’s not going well. You can say “unless…” or: “but…” or: “whatever…” Short sentences give her a chance to talk. Which is what you want. You want the conversation to go her way. It’s not about success. It’s about survival.

Grey Horsepower

I was driving into the city yesterday and I was

speeding. I was at least 20 per cent over the speed limit and I went right by a parked police car, but he didn’t chase me or signal me or pull me over. That’s because I was pretty much the slowest car on

the road. Everybody speeds now. The average car today goes much faster than the average car of 30 years ago. Yet the average driver today is much older than the average driver of 30 years ago. Does that make sense to you? That as our population

ages, we think it’s a good idea to give them more horsepower? Think about your own grandfather – his eyesight, his hearing, his reaction time, his alertness, his sleepy leg. Please don’t allow him to be at the wheel of a speeding car. You must put the safety of others ahead of your impatience for the inheritance.

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