just make things worse?

Readers Letters Page

Letter of the week

Hello Charley, I’m having some trouble with a friend at the moment. I feel like they always take me for granted and never listen to me. They cancel on our plans, turn up two hours late when they don’t cancel, and assume I’ll just pick up the pieces if things fall apart. I’ve known them for a long time and don’t want to lose their friendship, because we are close, but at the same time I’m getting fed up with being treated like this. What should I do? From: Fed up of Birmingham.

Hi Fed Up! I’m sorry to hear that there’s a bit of an imbalance in your friendship. You say that you’re close, so I will take your word for it that it’s a friendship worth sav- ing. If you are good enough friends then they will understand when you talk to them about how they’ve treated you. Don’t go in with guns blazing and feeling angry otherwise they might get defensive and it could turn into an argument. Tell them you really need to talk and that it’s really important to you. Explain how it feels when they treat you a certain way and what their behaviour does to your opinion of them. Tell them that your friendship is important, which is why you’re bringing this up before things get worse. I can’t stress enough how crucial it is to talk about things before they escalate, rather than bottling them up and hoping they’ll go away, or worse, cutting the person out of your life altogether. They may not have a clue that what they’re doing is hurting you! I hope this helps, let me know. Charley

Dear Charley,

What would you suggest to someone who is dealing with bullying in the workplace? There is a peer of mine in the office who is aiming for the same promotion that I’ve shown interest in. We used to get along al- right. We’d chat about our weekends and that but since I’ve mentioned I’m going for the same position, they’ve been treat- ing me differently. They undermine me in meetings, claim my ideas as their own, and deliberately don’t pass on important messages. One time they didn’t hold the lift for me when I was running late. I know

that sounds silly but it’s all built up and I have no idea what to do. I’ve thought about taking them aside and confronting them but I reckon they’ll just deny every- thing. I don’t feel as though I can talk to our manager because I’ll look like a wimp who’s hardly promotion material Any sug- gestions? (Name withheld).

Hello and thanks for getting in touch.

I can see you’re in a tough situation here. Do you tell on the bully and risk looking unprofessional and cost yourself the pro- motion, or do you confront the bully and

I’m tempted to say neither at this point, be- cause it seems as though what you’re suf- fering from is a lack of confidence, which this person has identified and is using to their gain. Perhaps they have realized that because you’re not likely to speak up, they can get away with passing off your ideas as their own or undermining you in front of staff. Some workplaces are competitive by nature. Ask yourself if you really do want this promotion. If the answer is a resound- ing yes, then perhaps it’s time to stand up for yourself and the job you want. If you deserve it, then prove it. Speak up and ap- pear to be more confident, even if you’re not feeling it. A handy tip for faking confi- dence is to look to someone’s eyes when they talk and use open body language. If looking into someone’s eyes seems daunt- ing, look at the piece of skin between their eyebrows and above their nose. It’s hard to tell that you’re not looking in their eyes. For more information on confidence, go see Issue 1 of Mpower via Yudu.com, or for more on workplace bullying, check out direct.gov.uk’s pages on bullying in the workplace. Good luck with the job!

Hi Charley,

What should I do about all the people telling lies about me on Facebook? People at school are send- ing each other private messages about me, saying I’ve been talking about people behind their back and that I’m a slag. I know it’s a fact that they’ve been doing it as well because my best friend gave me her password so I hacked into her account and saw what they emailed her about me. What should I say? Betrayed, London.

Hi there,

Finding out that people are talking about you behind your back is a horrible feeling, but I’m not sure if you have gone about dealing with it in a very good way. Firstly, did you ask your friend permission to go into her account and read the emails that weren’t meant for your eyes? Even if they are saying mean things about you, it’s not right to go behind your best friend’s back and use her trust that way. You also need to ask yourself if this is bullying? Has it been going on for a long time or is this quite a recent occurrence? Has anything gone on between you and the other people in school that has caused them to say these things? If you are still struggling with what to do, I suggest you speak to a teacher or a friend that you can trust about it. They will know the situation much better than I do and can help you. Finally, can I suggest that you tell your best friend that she should change her password? Even if you are the closest of the close, knowing each others’ passwords can lead to difficult situations. Best be safe and change them without telling each other what they are.

I hope some of this helps, Charley. Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24