Mystery Date:
Who’s Zoomin’ Who?
In keeping with the atypical Hollywood dating scene (and
Celebrity edition
because of space constraint), the mystery daters were all
sent together to The Roosevelt Hotel to meet up poolside for
drinks and gorgeous little nibbly things.
In their sequestered cabana is a personalized version of
“Mystery Date” on a table with individual envelopes for the
gals, who swap war stories about their splits while waiting
for the anonymous men to show up.
Taylor confides she was unsure if ex Taylor Lautner was
calling out her name in bed or his, while Reese concurs that
actors are fine to date, but not to marry. Kate looks longingly
at a cocktail weenie and professes she misses A-Rod’s rod.
Tila, who can’t decide between that nosh or sushi, asks Susan
if she’s worried about dating “at her age.” This sends Louise
into a rage and she throws the bisexual pixie into the pool.
Luckily, Pam can technically serve as a floatation device
and channels her Baywatch character to save her from
drowning. While performing mouth-to-mouth, Tila slips
Pam the tongue.
However, tempers subside as our bachelors arrive, each
wearing a particular colored shirt.
Reese breaks into such a flop sweat at seeing Jake that Tila
mops up her huge brow with a Shamwow, which she keeps
in her purse for “sticky” dating situations.
Hellos are muttered, eye contact made and the game
begins…
Tila is up first and decides
to turn the door knob with
her vajayjay, the other play-
ers are disgusted (except
for John) and the women
rip open their envelopes.
Susan holds up a green
card, meaning she is
paired with Bradley in the
hopes that a cougar can
tame this savage dating
beast. Taylor and John are
connected together by
the color red, and the fact
that they have music in
common. Taylor also has
a pulse, which is good
enough for John.
The biggest surprise
comes when Reese reveals
her blue card and Jakes promises not to pressure her to get Cut! Print! That’s A Wrap!
married. Ah! The gang’s all together again. I feel like I learned something here today. No, it wasn’t that love can make the unlikeliest of
Tila holds the dud date card and a grudge that Pam won’t bedfellows into, well, bedfellows. I thought you couldn’t get V.D. from a doorknob – guess so if Tila
get a room with her. Kate ends up in the cabana alone, as Tequila plays “Mystery Date.” Stupid hygiene film that lied to me in 8th grade! Guess it’s my fault,
the “Mystery Date” concludes and slips the leftover cocktail really. I should have had it Scotch Guarded, and that’s one to grow on. Until next time, that’s all of
weenies in her pants pocket for the lonely night ahead. the news that’s fit to print.
February 2010 | RAGE monthly 23
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