A-LISTS hollywood by tim parks
Mystery Date:
Celebrity edition
Way back in the 1960s, the powers-that-be at Milton Bradley decided to market a
game aimed for girls in the 6-14 age bracket. Sounds like it was a tailor made for the
South, as those are the proper ages to get married there, right?
“Mystery Date” was designed to have these young ladies ready for a date by col-
lecting color coded cards to assemble an ensemble, which was to match a date
waiting behind the “mystery door.” For gay boys who played, that equated wait-
ing by the “back door,” naturally. After spinning the door handle (remember…you
can’t get V.D. from that), the door was opened to see if there was a match for: a formal dance date, a
bowling date, a beach date or a ski date. Of course, players were encouraged to avoid the “dud date.” Thanks to the advent
of online dating, it’s still a dilemma. No amount of color coordination can hide the fact that website dwellers think it’s o.k. to post their ultrasound
picture with no one catching on. Modern day TV executives must have fond memories of this cardboard creation…how else can you explain the glut
of reality dating shows clogging up the airwaves? Like so many turds about to overflow onto your living room floor from filled-to-the-rim program-
ming toilet bowls. That paints a pretty picture, no? I mean when you stop and think about it “Mystery Date” even has a wide reaching appeal for the
parents of today worried that their teenaged daughter may end up on an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” after a game of “Spin the Pickle”
goes horribly wrong! Tangent time! How can you not know you are pregnant? What do these women think that, they just had really big lunches for
nine months or something? I’m done.
Anyhoo, for celebrities it could serve as a useful tool in choosing the right date…seriously in the world of Hollywood, it couldn’t hurt! So let’s have
our famous participants come on down and play a little “Mystery Date: Celebrity Edition!”
the Players and Playas
Assembling the six women who will vie for the attentions of our three eligible so?” That’s the spirit, ladies! I felt that a challenge was in order in the area of their
bachelors was an easy feat; all I needed was a little required reading, courtesy of gentleman callers. Even though I am not from the simian family and my name is not
Us Magazine (alright, The National Enquirer—are you happy now?), to see who has George, I am often curious as to why certain actors and musicians like to play the
recently endured a breakup and were single and ready to mingle- holla! Susan field. Not-so-surprisingly, Bradley Cooper took time out of his cat-and-mouse dat-
Sarandon, Taylor Swift, Reese Witherspoon, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Kate ing schedule with Renee Zellweger, as did serial dater John Mayer, to participate.
Hudson were contacted—and each answered with a resounding, “Um, I guess And to make things interesting, Jake Gyllenhaal’s services were also enlisted.
22 RAGE monthly | February 2010
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