The Cockney Scouser...
...Trouble follows him wherever he goes!
The Berk with a Merc for werk who’s good at breastwork!!!
I
W · V Q L F H H Y H U \ Q R Z D Q G W K H Q W R J R W R D S U R S H U D U U L Y H G % H I R U H W K H S R O L F H P D Q K D V D F K D Q F H W R … W L S , P X W W H U H G X Q G H U P \ E U H D W K D V , S X O O H G
V L W G R Z Q S R V K G L Q Q H U D Q G G D Q F H \ H D K , N Q R Z ask any questions, the man started screaming away that he was a prize banker alright!
Z H · U H D E X Q F K R I W R I I V K H U H L Q / R Q G R Q W K H hysterically: “My Porsche, my beautiful top of
capital of the world, especially if the function the range Porsche is ruined. No matter how
Did you take enough dough over the Christmas
is raising funds for charity. For the umpteenth O R Q J L W · V D W W K H S D Q H O E H D W H U V L W · O O V L P S O \ Q H Y H U
period to last into January? Sadly my target
year running, Russell Emanuel Poluck who E H W K H V D P H D J D L Q % O R R G \ P L Q L F D E G U L Y H U V µ
R I … D Z H H N G L G Q · W T X L W H P D W H U L D O L ] H D V
is chairman of the London Taxi Driver of the $ I W H U W K H P D Q À Q D O O \ À Q L V K H G K L V D P X V L Q J W R
, Z D V D Z K R S S L Q J … G R Z Q H D F K Z H H N V R ,
< H D U & K D U L W \ ) X Q G D Q G K L V O R Y H O \ Z L I H % D U E D U D me and the other bystanders, rant and rave the
D S S O L H G I R U W Z R Q H Z M R E V R I Z K L F K W K H À U V W Z D V
organised another great Christmas bash this policeman shook his head in disgust. ´ , F D Q · W
W L P H L Q / R Q G R Q · V 6 R X W K . H Q V L Q J W R Q 7 K H / R Q G R Q believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners
with Tiger Woods as I heard he was playing
taxi trade is famous for its varied social calendar D U H O D G µ he said in a broad Scouse accent,
around and doing 18 holes so I wanted to be
but events where you can get dressed up and which made me laugh out loud. “You lot are so
his cabby/caddy, but of course he was to busy
J R R X W I R U D ¶ G R Z Q W R H D U W K · Q L J K W R X W D U H Y H U \ focused on your possessions and everything
too reply for some reason! The second job that
I H Z D Q G I D U E H W Z H H Q L I \ R X · U H Q R W D P H P E H U R I Z L W K L Q W K H 0 W K D W \ R X G R Q · W Q R W L F H D Q \ W K L Q J
I applied for was from the University of Leeds
the Worshipful Company of Hackney Carriage H O V H L Q \ R X U O L I H µ ´ + R Z F D Q \ R X V D \ V X F K D W K L Q J
Arts Faculty of Education, Social Sciences and
D Q G 3 U L Y D W H + L U H ' U L Y H U V E U L J D G H 7 K L V \ H D U · V D W D W L P H O L N H W K L V " µ sobbed the Porsche owner.
Law and School of Sociology and Social Policy
event saw a virtual full house with eating, The policeman replied: ´ ' L G Q · W \ R X U H D O L V H W K D W ' H S D U W P H Q W , W Z D V I R U D 5 H V H D U F K 2 I À F H U W R
drinking and being merry high upon the menu. your right arm was torn off when the minicab hit investigate the rise and regulation of lap dancing
Despite a lack of sponsorship once again and \ R X " µ The Londoner looked down in horror. “ and the place of sexual labour and consumption
the lack of a Taxi Driver of the Year Competition, )
* K H O O µ he screamed… µ : K H U H · V P \
L Q W K H Q L J K W W L P H H F R Q R P \ « % D V L F D O O \ L Q ( Q J O L V K
the various taxi W U D G H F K D U L W L H V D O O E H Q H À W H G )
J J R O G 5 R O H [ " " " " µ What a plant pot!
it was a funded study that would involve
from a substantial sum when Russell made
qualitative and quantitative data collection and
the presentations of cheques. Tombola and a I recently picked up a young Irishman from
D Q D O \ V H V « \ H D K E H W \ R X · U H V W L O O Q R Q H W K H Z L V H U
U D I Á H Z H U H D O V R K H O G Z L W K V R P H H [ F H O O H Q W S U L ] H V + H D W K U R Z 7 J R L Q J W R 5 H D G L Q J L Q % H U N V K L U H
It was based in Leeds, although some travel
available. What was noticeable though was It was a great fare, especially as the four
to other cities would be necessary. I thought
W K H O D F N R I W K H W D [ L W U D G H · V 9 , 3 R O G W L W V R R R K
numpties in front of me on the rank knocked
about the travelling involved and well, I have the
G R Q · W W R X F K P H W K H U H W K D W Q R U P D O O \ J R W R W K H V H
L W E D F N D V W K H \ H L W K H U G L G Q · W W D N H F U H G L W F D U G V
events, where were they this year? Anyhow,
0 L O O Z D U G · V L Q W K H 1 R U W K : H V W : D \ Q H & D V H \ L Q
I R U V R P H U H D V R Q R U G L G Q · W Z D Q W W R J R R X W W R W K H
: H O O G R Q H 5 X V V H O O D Q G % D U E D U D $ Q G W D O N L Q J R I
Carlisle, Roy MercMaster in the Midlands, Mike
sticks and risk a nosebleed! The customer told
W L W V « R Q W K H V D P H Á R R U R I W K L V K R W H O Z D V D Q R W K H U
+ X J K H V D Q G % H U Q L H % U L D Q 0 D \ L Q W K H 6 R X W K 7 K H
me that he had recently bought a donkey from
Christmas party and both myself and the Editor
D I D U P H U I R U … D Q G W K D W W K H I D U P H U D J U H H G
0 F & X O O R F K · V D Q G - D F N & O \ G H L Q 6 F R W O D Q G D Q G
wondered off to investigate… we found out
to deliver the donkey the next working day.
some sheep in Wales… so that covers most
another party was in full swing and that most
The next day arrived and the farmer drove up
of the UK thought I. The job was full time for a
of the people dancing the night away were all
and said to the Irishman, “Sorry son, but I have
À [ H G W H U P R I P R Q W K V I U R P 0 D U F K R I W K L V \ H D U
mainly female and young with short dresses,
V R P H E D G Q H Z V 7 K H G R Q N H \ K D V V D G O \ G L H G µ
, Q H H G H G H [ S H U L H Q F H R I L Q W H U Y L H Z L Q J
long legs and big cleavages…sigh…we spent
The Irishman replied: “Well then just give me
and conducting surveys which they said was
around ten minutes at this party before the
P \ P R Q H \ E D F N µ He told me that the farmer
essential, as was prior experience of conducting
wives found out and we had to scarper! Me
V D L G K H F R X O G Q · W G R W K D W D V K H K D G D O U H D G \ V S H Q W
research in the female sex industry… well I
being the perv I am, I went back later on my
it. My customer told the farmer: “Oh okay then
know a few porn sites or two like all us geezers
own, but somebody snitched on me to the
M X V W E U L Q J P H W K H G H D G G R Q N H \ µ The farmer
D Q G E H H Q W R D I H Z « H U U J H Q W O H P D Q · V F O X E V L Q
wife and I got caught out perving at two young
asked him “are you sure? I mean what are you
P \ W L P H 7 K H O X F N \ D S S R L Q W H G O D G R U O D V V K D G
ladies posing in a compromising position for
J R L Q J W R G R Z L W K K L P " µ The fare told me that he
D V W D U W L Q J V D O D U \ R I … S H U D Q Q X P U L V L Q J W R
W K H S K R W R J U D S K H U W K D Q N V I R U J U D V V L Q J P H X S
0 U 0 L O O Z D U G M X V W D V W K H \ Z H U H J R Q Q D W R X F K P H
V D L G ´ , · P J R L Q J W R U D I Á H K L P R I I µ W R Z K L F K W K H Q H D U O \ … 6 D G O \ P \ L Q W H U Y L H Z Z H Q W W L W V
there… bitches!
farmer replied: ´ < R X F D Q · W U D I Á H D G H D G G R Q N H \ µ X S V R L W · V E D F N W R E H L Q J D ¶ % H U N Z L W K W K H 0 H U F I R U
I must admit I was very intrigued by this and I : H U N · I R U P H
We had some snow in London just before
D J U H H G Z L W K W K H I D U P H U · V S R L Q W R I Y L H Z E X W W K H
Christmas, which as usual bought this thriving
customer said that he told the farmer that he % H O X F N \ * X Y · Q R U D Q G K D S S \ 1 H Z < H D U
metropolis to a standstill, even though it was
could and wait and see what happens…That
The great Sheldon Collins… aka The Cockney
R Q O \ D E R X W D Q L Q F K E X W Z K D W · V D Q L Q F K E H W Z H H Q
was ridiculous surely, I implied and had to know
Scouser.
friends eh? One of my customers, a lovely
what happened as we made our way along the
E O R Q G H / R Q G R Q H U Z D V L Q W K H ¶ 0 H U F I R U : H U N ·
M4 at 120mph for the meter go faster…The
she suddenly shrieked out loud that the truck
Irishman continued with his story and told the
in front was losing its entire load all over the
I D U P H U W K D W K H M X V W Z R X O G Q · W W H O O D Q \ E R G \ W K D W W K H
road and pavement and that I should be careful,
donkey was dead! Unbelievable I thought. The
which was very nice of her I thought. The only
customer continued with his story and said that
problem was we were following a gritting truck!
about a month later he met up with the farmer,
Later on, during the icy spell, I witnessed an
and of course, the farmer had asked him about
A function room is available
L Q F U H G L E O H U R D G W U D I À F D F F L G H Q W L Q 3 L F F D G L O O \ $
the dead donkey? With a straight face he told me
7 nights a week for weddings,
toff of a Londoner had parked his brand new
W K D W K H K D G L Q G H H G U D I Á H G R I I W K H G R Q N H \ D Q G W K D W
E O D F N 3 R U V F K H L Q I U R Q W R I W K H R I À F H W R V K R Z L W
K H K D G V R O G D V W D J J H U L Q J W L F N H W V D W … D
charities and any other occassions
off to his upstart colleagues. As he was getting
J R D Q G W K D W K H K D G P D G H D Z H O O K D Q G V R P H S U R À W
Saturday and Sunday
out of the car, a minicab came speeding along
R I … , D V N H G K L P G L G D Q \ R Q H F R P S O D L Q K H
too close to the kerb and took off the door of said to me only the guy who won, so, of course, entertainment with top acts ,
W K L V J H H ] H U · V S U L G H D Q G M R \ E H I R U H ] R R P L Q J I gave him his two quid back. What the f**k I
off. More than a little distraught, I watched the thought, so I had to ask what does he do for a
Bingo and Play Your Cards Right ,
London dandy grab his mobile and make a O L Y L Q J K H W R O G P H W K D W K H Q R Z Z R U N V I R U W K H 5 % 6
Tel:- 0151 474 0333 ask for Bob ,
phone call. Five minutes later, the police had 7 K H P H W H U H G I D U H Z D V … K H D O V R J D Y H P H D
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