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All you need to know on how to
Boules de Geisha
have a Banging time in IBIZA
Quick Guide
The Best Things
La Senza. Truth be told there is popped them in, they literally fell
Another term
a sort of taboo surrounding the out. This tip may come in handy:
to Ibiza
The first time you use Kegel balls
by Michael Cimino

in Life are Free
for the above is
purchase of sexual objects I am
‘Burmese bells’ or
sure some agree. To some that do not run down the stairs. They
are not sexually free-thinking, buy- will come out! I really didn’t see any
by Nia Aronoffsky ‘Geisha balls’. Now ing sexy products is equivalent to kind of immediate stimulation. I ba-
what these two
walking around in a trench coat sically felt like I was carrying a really
So you want something for nothing? Who doesn’t? There’s no doubt balls or, if you’re
with nothing on underneath. heavy load of water inside me.

The dude who bought you the low down on Brazil.
that living in London can be a bit pricey but with lots of free things lucky three balls,
I am not one of those people. I
to do – from arts, clubs, music and entertainment – you can go out do is stimulates the
la escollera in es cavallet 0034 971191530
am a liberated female who is com-
Set on a craggy cliff top directly over the sea,
and have a great time in this city without hurting your wallet. Here’s user sexually.
fortable with my sexuality and will
with superb seafood and outdoor loungers for a hand-picked selection for you to choose from, because like The
try anything once. And, if I like it I
Ibiza has long winter tanning - ask for Marco, the very charm-
Guestlist Network, the best things in life are free!
Ninette Osei Wilson
will do it again, and then a couple
been synonymous
ing Italian who will look after you!
more times. Hopefully I can bring
with sun, sand and
It is NOT an easy; its purpose out some free spirits with this one .
La paloma in san lorenzo 0034 071325543
is to build up the strength of the
the pursuit of he-
A seriously beautiful Italian restaurant with
pelvic wall muscles. This in turn,
donism, however
candle lit garden, the food and decor have a
perfect pitch of Toscana, probably one of the
@ Ain’t Nothin’ But, 20 Kingly St,
helps to increase the duration of
So, after conversing with one of
the island is trans-
best in Ibiza, ask for the antipasto, delicious
Soho, W1B 5PZ
sexual intercourse. So, all in all,
my colleagues from the Guestlist
forming itself into
proscuito and regional cheeses, home made
Monday – Wednesday 6pm
everyone is supposed to win!
Network, who will not be named
(Pauline) I have firmly imprinted
I knew that there had to
a winter holiday
olive and zucchini condiment, ask for the very
– 1am, Live Blues music in a
elegant Muji when booking.
friendly, international and intimate Apparently, in the late 16th
into my head that I am buying one
be a way to get these balls to
jaunt. The perfect
atmosphere. century men in Thailand were
of a set of these balls. I was plan-
work to my advantage. When
tonic from London
Santa gertrudis in the heart of Ibiza is the hot
reported to be using the balls to
ning to do a daily report on how I
used in addition to a vibra-
spot hub of the island, many creative types, writ-
@ Royal Festival Hall, Southbank
and the Kegel balls got on but, it
tor, I saw FIREWORKS! Insert
ers and artists live here, its where all the island
Centre, Belvedere Rd, London,
news and gossip takes place.
increase the size of the penis.
may be a bit too graphic for you.
both balls, raising one leg,
It’s a glorious little pueblo, the buildings are
Look I’m not too sure how two
place vibrator on sensitive
Fridays 1pm, Take some time
balls are used to do this…I am as

To be quite fair, if I were to
area. AMAZING! It may not
Boho chic Ibiza is a divine retreat
an array of yellow and panna cotta with hues
out and enjoy some free lunch-
bamboozled by this as you. report on the first two days it would
work for you, but it definitely
out of season, the clubbing
of ochre. There are also 18 restaurants all very
time music with an emphasis on
actually be the dullest bit of text
did for me. Everyone is differ-
crowd have long kissed farewell
high standard and quality, many have menu of
small-scale classical and con-
I know that there are a lot of that you may ever read in your
ent but, who knows? It might
to the closing parties and louche
the day at a reasonable 10 euros.
temporary music.
living. From November onwards
Damien Hirst´s blue paintings at The Wallace Collection
liberated young ladies out there life. When I first inserted the balls just wet your fancy! Remem-
the island becomes a sanctu-
Shopping @ Notting Hill Arts Club, 21 Not-
that are not ashamed to hold I was under the impression that ber, you’ll never know if you
ary for locals with breathtaking
ting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ
Rivington St, Old Street, EC2A @CellarDoor, Zero Aldwych,
their heads high and walk into they would stay in. No. As soon I don’t give it a go!
countryside and dramatic coast-
Saturdays 4-8pm, Rough Trade’s
3AY London, WC2E 7DN
line which resembles sparkling
Sluiz in San Jose and Santa Eularia - Exquisite
free showcase with plenty of live
Wednesdays, you’ll never know Tuesdays 9pm – 1am, Cham-
marble glistening with raucous
design and detail including furniture, music and
at ‘New Act Night’ if you’ll see pagne Charlie hosts this New
colours. Many fashion and music
everything for your home, very quirky with many
the funniest act of your life or a York-styled open mic session for
photoshoots take place here and
one off pieces. The clothes are every fashionis-
cringe-worthy first performance cabaret, musical and jazz sing-
nearby formentera.
tas dream. It really is worth coming here to Sluiz
that you should have been ers.
spared from. If you don’t go you’ll
@Michael Hoppen Gallery, 3 Ju-
never know... FreeCLUBBING
You will be spoilt for choice
Lottie buggotti in San Carlos - Glamorous vin-
bilee Place, SW3 3TD
with more than eighty beaches,
tage fashion, Hannah is the brains behind Lottie
Tuesday – Friday 12noon – 6pm,
FreeFILM @Amersham Arms, 388 New
perfect for winter walks and
, fabulous handbags, dresses from the flapper
Saturdays 10.30am – 4pm
Cross Rd, SE14 6TY
fabulous for yoga enthusiasts.
era to the 80s and the jewellery is sensational..
Devoted to the photographic im-
@UCL, Birkbeck Cinema, 41 Fridays 10pm – 3am, ‘Whip It’
Las Salinas and Es Cavallet are
age as art, the gallery holdings
Gordon Square, Bloomsbury, has super resident DJs who you
in the south, this is the haunt
include rare vintage works as
WC1H 0PD can count on bringing you lash-
of the glam crowd and many
well as new and established con-
ings of cool party anthems ‘from
celebrities in the torrid sum-
temporary talent.
AC/DC to MGMT and from Missy
mer months, out of season you to Kissy’ alongside cutting-edge
can have it all to yourself. Many
@ Barbican Pop , 25-26 Ma-
beats with their mega sound sys-
locals describe the north as
son’s Yard, SW1Y 6BU; and 48
tem and late-license.
more authentic, here you will
Las Salinas and es Cavallet Cala Tarida es
Hoxton Square, N1 6PB
find ravines and rolling hills with
Vedra Cala Xucla Cala Xarraca Aguas
Monday – Sunday 11am – 8pm
@The London Fields, 137 Mare
endless coves with erratic rock
Contemporary gallery hosting
St, London, E8 3RH
formations, transparent turquoise
a range of exhibitions in one of
Sundays 8pm – 2am, Disco
waters lapping the endless
London’s cultural landmarks.
Bloodbath’s Damon Martin, Dan-
stretches of beaches. Celebri-
Where to stay / Well worth a visit.
iel Shepherd and weekly guests
ties love Ibiza including Jade Jag-
take this gastropub to new levels
ger, Kate Moss and many fashion
How to get there / Ryanair 3 times a week / @The Wallace Collection, Man-
with disco, techno, electro-pop,
designers and musicians.
A view of Ibiza town and a view of Ibiza Beauties Iberia via Barcelona chester Square
new wave and indie beats.
Monday – Sunday, 10am – 5pm
settled here since the mid 1960s, dynamic creativity, the vibe here here is that Ibiza creates its own
Check out artists such as Titian,
@The Redchurch, 107 Red-
The diversity of Ibiza along
many still live in a self sufficient is that anything goes. extravagance of fashion, it does
Rembrandt and Hals alongside
church St, London, E2 7DL
with its alternative lifestyle is
the hotel Fenecia spa in Santa
manner. Visitors to the island The excellent cuisine is based on not allow itself to be dictated to.
a superb collection of porcelain,
Wednesdays 8pm – 1.30am, If
truly unique, with a huge artist
Eularia and be massaged into
find themselves liberated, almost seafood and the Ibicencans are Perhaps Ibiza will have its own
furniture and armour. Also take in
it’s a general genre-mix of music
and hippy contingent that have
blissful relaxation, they have a
reinventing themselves, with such justifiably proud of the availability fashion week, it’s looking very
Damien Hirst´s current show ¨No
hammam, sauna and numerous
you’re looking to bop to, you’ll
of superb fresh fish, likely.
Hippy market
Love Lost¨ at The Wallace Col- The Barbican
treatments using mineral based
find hip hop, DnB, R&B, funk and
many international
lection until 24th January 2010.
thalgo products. Winter tem-
reggae tones in this Shoreditch
Travelling cheap, but want
chefs are based on
every Saturday peratures are around 16 to 19
8th November 1pm – 6.30pm, establishment.
the island, be pre- Winter social life is all about kick
degrees with many sunny days, it
For all you Sci-Fi freaks out there
pared to have your back, beach, restaurants, dinner
in San Carlos.
does occasionally reach 25 de-
free screening of ‘Brother from
to stay somewhere nice?
taste buds seduced. at home around log fires, however
grees in January, very agreeable
Another Planet’ a sci-fi comedy FreeKAREOKE
there is an underground music The authen-
@ Theatre Royal Bar, Gerry
climes and only 2 hours from
that encompasses Black History
scene with lots of private house
Raffles Square, Stratford East,
Season. What more could you @ The Birdcage, 80 Colum-
Then find your hostel on BUG. We have has been around since 1997,
tic market is
London, the evenings can get
For the shopping parties, so ask around.
E15 1BN
chilly so bring a coat and boots
want for a cosy November after- bia Road, Bethnal Green, E2
which makes us the web’s original hostel review site.
addicted you will be in Film buffs will enjoy secret cin-
Mondays from 8pm, Weekly
as when it does rain, it pours!
noon….. 7QB.
where locals
line-up of dynamic comedians to
Entranced by the X-factor
BUG only has hostels – other ‘hostel’ websites are full of fancy
heaven, its as diverse ema Ibiza style, you are emailed
and eclectic as its or text a venue and film title 2
tickle your funny bones...
hotels that you can’t afford. locals, here you will days before the event, cult mov-
hang out, I
sweeping the nation? You
Ibiza town with its 30 thousand
FreeCABERET need to get your song on at this
@ Camden Head, 2 Camden
BUG is independent – other websites have hostels write their own
find a plethora of rugs, ies, obscure French, Russian,
love this one. It
inhabitants has a laid back cafe
quintessential English pub with
Walk, Camden, N1 8DY
@The Retro Bar, 2 George a reputation that precedes it.
description. On BUG you get the truth: honest reviews and ratings
sarongs, home wares Italian and Chinese are the theme
culture centered around vara
from Oman/India at these cosy gatherings. Ask
written by BUG’s own staff of hostel inspectors plus thousands of
takes place in
‘Every Other Monday’ is a new
del rey, a walk around the old
Court, Charing Cross, WC2H With a great crowd that mixes
and beautiful cotton around the San lorenzo area for
fortnightly gig showcasing best
city with its fortress walls are a
6HH local east-enders with trendy
reviews written by travellers just like yourself.
Kikoys from Lamu. more info.
San Jordi in the
new comedians & established
gorgeous way to spend a winter
Sundays 8pm, ‘Marvellous Mu- Shoreditch cats, expect to lis-
acts in one of Camden’s oldest
sicals’ is hosted by the unique ten (and sing along) to a massive
No booking fee
Ibiza fashion is inspi-
crisp evening. Ibiza is the perfect
rational, an explosion
winter weekend break, with its
Myra DuBois with not just mu- range of music - everything from
sicals, but a dash of showtunes ‘70s pop songs to new popular
of colour, texture, it
can be as outrageous
If pampering and indulgence
close proximity to London why
@ The Comedy Café, 66-68
and other delights. indie tracks.
as you like, the beauty
are more your thing, head off to
not rent a villa.
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