inteRVieW BY
SAnDRA ShRADeR
Yours, Mine
ANd OUrS
Family counselor Dr. Charles LaVorgna
shares some practical advice about blending
his and your kids into one big happy family.
You’ve married the man of your dreams—devoted, kind, perfect in
every way, and you just know he’s going to be a great parent to your two
kids because he’s already got two of his own. But soon, any romantic
notions you once had about everyone living happily together under
one roof have since given way to a step-war battlefield. Temecula
marriage & family therapist Dr. Charles LaVorgna offers a few tips for
navigating the often treacherous waters of blending families.
SeConD tiMe ARoUnD
Be sure to set aside some time to nurture the relationship with your
A MAtteR of tRUSt
new spouse, too. Second marriages in which there are blended families
One of the biggest challenges in blended families is the children’s
have an even greater chance of failing than first marriages, so try
uncertainty about the role of their new step parent. Start to build trust
to recapture those ‘just married’ feelings! Try to synchronize your
getaway times with your step-kid
WI
s’
th
we

e
a
k
n
en
Ima
d a
L
t


fRIE
dad’
nds
and establish rapport within your new family unit by being yourself.
s or sleepovers
with friends.
of thE VaLLEys
Don’t force things with your step kids. Don’t take their negative
comments too personally. And don’t push for affection. Your job
is not to try and compete with your spouse’s ex. The last thing you
hoMe foR the hoLiDAYS
want is for your step kids to feel like they are betraying their other
Most of the time, how holiday visits are divided is determined
biological parent.
by custodial arrangements. But you can ‘duplicate holidays’ by
celebrating Christmas Day with your step-kids on a day other then
SteP ASiDe
December 25. Or, if the kids’ other parent lives nearby, you can split
It can take as many as seven years for a blended family to become
the day.
unified, and even then, discipline can be a contentious issue. So, in

the beginning, leave the disciplining of your step-kids to your spouse.
‘heY, YoU!’
Instead, focus on building a one-on-one relationship with your
When deciding what your step-kids should call you, don’t ask for a
stepchildren for at least the first couple of years before you do any
name that is already taken. For example, if they call their biological
scolding or voice disapproval about their behavior.
mother, “Mom,” offer other suggestions like “Mother” or “Momma
Jo” or, if you’re comfortable, just your first name. But leave the final
SiLenCe iS GoLDen
decision to the kids; it’s up to them to decide.
Sometimes your step-kids may share with you some negative
comments that were made about you by your spouse’s ex. When
this happens, ‘don’t let them see you sweat!’ Yes, it will probably be charles LaVorgna, Ph.d. is a licensed marriage &
difficult to hold your tongue in regards to the other parent, but you
family therapist and educational psychologist with
need to remember, the kids are testing you on this, and criticizing
more than 30 years of counseling experience. his
practice family counseling services is located
the other parent will only come back to haunt you. Keep mum in
in temecula. for more information, email
front of the kids; however, make sure to let your spouse know so
drlavorgna@gmail.com or call 951.303.0123.
he/she can confront the ex and put a stop to it.
MYUNDERTHESUN.COM l DECEMBER 19
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