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60 Vision On
MOVIES
Street Fighter: Legend OF Chun-Li KnOWing
Street Fighter IV dropped last month – one of the greatest games of all time already – and it’s not It’s funny how some movies get made. It wouldn’t surprise Kmag if a little, jaunty idea on a scrap
surprising that someone somewhere decided to squeeze a few drops from this event by launching of paper was turned into a mega-budget Hollywood movie every day. This is the case with the
this movie simultaneously. It’s all a bit half-hearted though, where’s the heavy promotional cam- ridiculously titled Knowing, featuring Nicholas Cage. This “jaunty, little idea” is as follows: school in
paign? Well, the first Street Fighter movie was regarded as one of the worst ever made, so it would the ’60s gets kiddies to “draw the future” and plant them in a time capsule in schoolyard. 50 years
be hard to persuade anyone to fling more cash at its bastard son. Remember the bit at the end of the later it’s dug up, and one of the pieces of paper inside has some mad numbers all over it. Cookie-
first one where the Aztec temple fell down? Please, do yourself a favour and watch it again – then cutter kid in new age class looks at it, nicks it and goes home. His Dad (Cage) finds it, bollocks him,
in slow motion – and proceed to laugh yourself to death at the sight of a tower of cardboard boxes and then starts analyzing it. Turns out it’s the code to the end of the world – he finds a sequence of
falling over. thousands of numbers each linked to a specific date of a natural disaster detailing the number of
people who died. The next disaster is – you guessed it – tomorrow! And “what happens when the
We’re not sure why the latest Street Fighter movie is about Chun Li, but then again the answer might numbers run out”?
lie between her heaving cleavage. The director behind Doom – Andrzei Bartkowiak – is at the helm
this time, chronicling Ms. Li’s quest for justice. Kristin Kreu from Smallville plays the master of the So, what comes next? Well, it’s obvious that the writers and production team behind Knowing,
“spinning bird kick” here, pitting her shaved pits against powerful forces converging on the streets ironically, didn’t know. Every single ensuing idea is shoehorned into this initial mould in increasingly
of Bangkok. It’s basically a rehash of the original story [when will you ever learn?] about Bison and ludicrous ways. Nicolas Cage even delivers the line, “I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve found a chain
his cronies. Jesus – even the video-game plot was poor 15 years ago, why go through this agony of events detailing every major disaster for the last 1,000 years!” You can’t justify a dopy idea like
again? At least Kylie Minogue and Van Damme aren’t anywhere to be seen. that with just one cheesy line that Cage delivers with all the convincingness of someone telling you
that it might rain tomorrow. Look at the pic for fuck’s sake – his beautiful, smooth mug glistening in
the rain. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
VIDEO GAMES
Silent hill: homecoming tom Clancy’s hAWX Killzone 2 resident evil 5
Format: Xbox 360, Xbox, PS3, PC Format: Xbox 360, PS3, PC Format: PS3 Format: Xbox 360, PS3
Price: £44.99 [PC £24.99] Price: £44.99 Price: £44.99 Price: £44.99
Release: Out now Release: Out now Release: Out now Release: Out now
Silent Hill: Homecoming, the sixth installment Tom Clancy goes mucking fental in his latest Yeah – this game’s a bit badass. Remember When a new Resident Evil comes out, it’s like
of this classic console series is not only the gaming twist, where big, mean fighter jets take the tech demo YEARS ago now before the PS3 Jesus Christ rising from his cave – the one with
first to be programmed for the next-generation centre stage at the expense of the ubiquitous flirted with a premature death brought about by the big boulder in front of that’s well hard to get
consoles, but adds a new central character rubber-clad SWAT team fetishists. It’s all moved dodgy architecture and waiting around for Blu- out of the way – such is the expectation and
into the mix. Alex Shepherd is a war veteran on since the days of Aero Dancing on the SEGA ray players to be invented? The one that looked love associated with it. Resident Evil 5 sadly
returning home from an overseas tour of duty, Dreamcast, ‘cause these graphics are lush. like real life? Well, that was a load of shit, but uses the same control scheme as the last game,
following acceptance of compassionate leave Whilst your actual plane looks a tiny bit doo-doo it doesn’t mean that this game still doesn’t which was cool at the time but games have
after receiving the news that his younger in motion – a bit basic like – the ground detail is look good. Things get a bit blocky up close but moved on a bit since then. It gets away with it
brother, Joshua, has gone missing. Alex begins actually quite sexy, with bare skyscrapers mate, otherwise look pretty wonderful in a grim, grey, though – just this one time – because RE5’s
his investigations in his small hometown of innit? This isn’t the kind of thing that everyone’s drum & bassy kind of way. The wild combat and graphics, gameplay and production values are
Shepherd’s Glen, but soon finds himself in the going to like and to be honest, it can be a bit unpredictable warzones throw up all manners of nothing short of breathtaking. And the online
mist-shrouded and seemingly empty streets of frustrating at times, but if the words “F22 futuristic, fantastical scenarios, usually involving co-op mode that could have gone so, so wrong?
Silent Hill. Get ready to explode diarrhea from Raptor” get your prostate twitching then, by all some nasty mechs and or Terminator-style It makes Resident Evil complete – this is every-
your fearful, puckered anus when playing this means, take a ride on the HAWX train! Did we aircraft. Multiplayer is tight and, basically, every- thing you ever wanted it to be. Buy.
horrifically scary game. It’s beautifully freak- mention this game was made in ROMANIA? thing looks the bomb. Nice one Sony.
ish, so it is. Shame about the retro gameplay
mechanics and linear progression, though, but
this won’t stop fans from loving it.
www.kmag.co.uk
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