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A Darker, Deeper Connection
by, Nic Garcia
night I probably had sex with two other guys. The thinking about the next time or remembering the
same thing happened the week before that and the last. To this day I can remember each and every
week after, too. At least once a week, for almost a sensation: the warmth of the skin inside a man.
year, I made my way from gay bar to gay bar to and The heat rising through my pelvis and into my
it
y I wrapped the white towel around my naked body. then to the bathhouse to have sex. Unprotected, every limb and digit. The loud exhale that comes
In one hand, a used-but-still-potent bottle of
skin to skin, bareback sex. from seeding another man. The feeling that I made
poppers, in the other, a cigarette and a lighter.
this man happy like no one else could. The knowing
They wanted me. They all did. that when I was with these men, I wasn’t alone.
I had hoped my drunkenness would fade before we
There was something.
got to this point. But I stumbled down the hall and
The guy in the sling. The one behind the stairs. In
outside to the patio. I always started the night out
the sauna. The mouth at the glory hole. But from somewhere deep within me, I began
with a cigarette. On this night, snow was falling and
to recognize what I was doing was reckless and
the only thing guarding me against the elements
They all wanted me and my dick. wrong.
was a towel. The air stung. But that night, two years

ago, being naked in a snowstorm was the least of
It felt good. Real good. Beyond good.
“We got drunk and started
my worries.

To be wanted. To be needed.
Taking a drag of my cigarette, I peeked back inside.

doing things. One thing led
Two twinks were heading toward the sauna. It
It was almost a godly experience. Down in that
sounded nice. Some guys were standing in the
dungeon of sex, among the needy I was their lord
hallway outside their rooms advertising themselves.
and savior. I would deliver them from horniness,
to another and before
it
y • Nic and the C
Two older fags were sitting in the hot tub. I knew it
loneliness. I would work their hole until they
would only be a matter of time before they started
couldn’t take it anymore. They would sing me
either of us knew it, we
fucking each other.
praises. The orgasms we would share was our
daily bread.
I was half fi nished with my cigarette when I couldn’t

were fucking like two
take the cold anymore. I needed the warmth of a
In that bathhouse, our sin was not condemned.
shelter. I needed the warmth of a man. A man with
Sodom would not fall.
an ass I could fuck: raw.

professional porn stars.”
Or so I believed.
The sauna worked its magic. The steam cleared

away the bitterness of winter. My cock grew as I
The fi rst time I barebacked I think I was 19 or 20. I Sure, I wanted to be wanted. And in some twisted
stroked it and sniffed poppers. My body tingled all
met this guy online. We got drunk and started doing way, I got that from these people who in all reality
over as I thought about the excessive pleasure I was
things. One thing led to another and before either wanted nothing more than a quick fuck or load of
about to indulge in.
of us knew it, we were fucking like two professional cum in their ass.
porn stars. This way and that. Hell, I’m surprised
My fi rst of many romps that night would be up
we didn’t try it upside down. We used condoms And as I began to realize this, I began to see I didn’t
it
y • Nic and the C in the glory hole lounge. I looked along the lower
— until they ran out around 4 a.m. want this.
level and saw no one. But I heard noises coming

from up above. After fi nding the stairs, I turned the
That should have stopped us. But it didn’t. Tale as On my last trip to the bathhouse, there was hardly
corner and saw one guy on his knees. Another was
old as time. anyone there. One guy wasn’t interested. And the
standing there enjoying a pair of lips around his
other was an older sickly looking man. Thin with
dick. He turned and looked at me.
I don’t remember the next time I had sex without sagging skin and a white beard. If he were straight
a condom. Hell, I don’t even remember when it he’d probably be home with his wife watching his
“Hey big guy,” he said, smiling. He was older.
became my norm. But it did. The more I barebacked grandchildren, I thought. But instead he was here.
Probably 40, 45. His hair was sandy blond. His skin
the more bareback porn I watched. The more Alone. Waiting for someone. Anyone. Just to be
was smooth and at one time had been pretty built.
bareback porn I watched, the more I barebacked. It touched.
His skin was like buttermilk. One look at me and
was how two men were supposed to be, I thought.
he dismissed the man on his knees. What I always
I walked into his room. He took off of my towel.
wanted.
But it was the most evil of patterns. Looked me over. He fi gured I’d do; he began to jack
me off. I took a whiff of poppers and I let him sit
“Aren’t you a hairy boy?” he asked rhetorically. His
If I wasn’t having sex at the baths, I was hooking up on my dick. He had been riding me for less than a
hands rubbed my chest from top to bottom and
on CraigsList. Once or twice, I even took boys home minute when I told him to get off of me.
back to the top. He reached for my towel and threw
from the bar. There were no party hats or raincoats
it
y • Nic and the C
it to the ground. He eagerly got me hard and before
used. I was only a means to an end for this man. This
I knew it he turned around and slid down on my
man who had been in the same bathhouse for God
shaft.
But that was OK. Because it was me they wanted. only knows how long. How many people had he
No preconditions. No laundry list of needs or wants been with? How many loads came before mine?
I didn’t complain. He and I both knew we weren’t
for me to adhere to. Nothing that would mess up a How was I supposed to fi nd what I really wanted
using a condom. And that’s how we liked it. Together
relationship like … knowing their fi rst name. — someone to love me — while I was in this room,
we were one. His warmth spread to my entire body.
no bigger than a closet, with this man whom I only
As I held onto his shoulders and as I thrust, he
As slowly and as unexpectedly as my sexual exchanged glances and nods with. The chances of
moaned and laughed. I was doing something right.
addiction took hold, so too did my awareness of me leaving this room with a man to call my own,
the problem. For almost a year, the psychological slim. The chances of me leaving with a life altering
“Give me your load, Big Guy.”
and physical pleasure — euphoria — I achieved disease… well, you do the math.
Nic and the C
from barebacking was all that mattered. It was all
He was just one of many. Too many to count. That
I knew. If I wasn’t participating in the act, I was (Continued on page 4)
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