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Evolution of Love
by, Jennifer Parello
I
was at home sick last week that gave me and my robust good health and self-
me lots of time to catch up on daytime suffi cient ways!
TV. One show that featured a portly,
mustachioed faux therapist was about • Grow a tail! I mentioned this above, but
how people evolve from relationship to I feel the need to explain. If I had a tail,
relationship. This made me really happy I could easily express emotion, something
because I’ve always wanted to grow a tail I’ve been accused of lacking by my past
and I’m pretty sure the only way to get one 57 girlfriends. It’s not that I don’t have
is through evolution. emotions, it’s just that I have no capacity
t
eland
to express them. It would be easy with a
Anyway, this show said that only tail, though. I can tell exactly what my dogs
dysfunctional idiots continue to make are thinking by watching their tails. Happy,
the same mistakes from relationship to scared, hungry, anxious. Plus, if it was a
relationship. But fully realized adults learn long tail, I’d be able to hang from trees and
important lessons from each relationship listen in on conversations of unsuspecting
and it makes them better people. And bystanders.
my dream has always been to be a better
people. • Get myself one of those big brains! I would
rank my current brain size somewhere
I’ve been in about 57 relationships, and between a lemur and a harbor seal. I want
I haven’t evolved at all. I still have little me one of those great big primate brains
use for my opposable thumbs and I have I’ve heard so much about. A big brain will
t
eland • da
trouble walking upright, especially on allow me to choose a proper mate based on
Sunday mornings. So, the following is a such factors as ability to nurture, gather
wish list of ways I’d like to evolve during and prepare food, and pick nits from my
my next 57 relationships: hair.
• Get a girlfriend from Europe! I think But at this point in my sad relationship
it’s been proven by some scientists history, I’d really settle for a tail.
that Europeans are more evolved than
Americans. They spend their days drinking Hey, I wrote a book!
coffee from fancy little cups and debating
You can buy Dateland on Amazon.
physics principles in impressive accents,
while we are trapped in foam cubicles and
waste hours reciting one-liners from stupid
t
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sitcoms. Plus, Europe owns Sweden, and
I’ve always had a yen for blonde, Nordic
types.
• Learn to use simple tools! My ineptitude
in using utensils has been a problem in past
relationships. My lady friend will make
me a nice meal and I’ll rip into it with my
hands and canines before the table is set.
It’s just that I get so hungry that I have a
hard time waiting for a fork.
t
eland • da
• Mimic traits of more delicious girls! This
is an important technique in evolutionary
science. Here’s how it works: a perfectly
delectable butterfl y masks its tastiness
by taking on the coloring of a poisonous
species of butterfl y, thus fooling predators
into thinking it is the dangerous variety. I
would do the opposite. I would disguise my
bitter, nasty self by adopting the persona of
a luscious, enticing girl. My prey wouldn’t
realize they’re in trouble until after they bit
into me.
t
eland • da
• Become older and sicker! This is a well
know evolutionary principle: older and
da
sicker members of the herd are the fi rst to
be caught by predators. And since I want
to be caught, I need to get weaker. Damn
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