24| November 2009 gayzette
Crotch Biscuit
EVIDENCE!
by, Amanda Buchanan
D
espite being a very girly, girl, dirty, sexual connotations...now that’s all I can think
I’ve always been one of the of when I use it. Ew.) and full of deliciousness, so I was
boys. From the time I was in stoked to give them my best Martha-inspired efforts.
Osh Kosh until I was in college, I was
playing with the boys in a very Tom I gathered my ingredients and followed the directions
Cruise/”Top Gun” kind of way. I’ve always found those closely, darting to the kitchen at “30 Rock” commercial
relationships to be much less complicated than my breaks. They aren’t diffi cult to make, but there are
relationships with women. There’s less backstabbing several steps and I took great care to do them correctly.
and I always felt more comfortable around them. But They require multiple trips to the oven and a few more
despite the huge infl uence these men have had on my moves in-between.
life, I must admit something: I still have no idea what
the hell is going through their heads half the time. As I pulled them out of the oven for the fi nal time,
Sure, I gained some terrifi c insight into their worlds, my mouth watered at the sight of them. My sister
but I wonder if all that Men Are From Mars, Women once served them to a room full of meat-eaters who
Are From Venus bullshit might have some truth couldn’t tell they were vegan and were quite taken
behind it... with them...and now they were all mine -- all mine for
the taking, the nibbling, the enjoying, the savoring,
I’ve been in a relationship for four years with a near- the -- Oh. My. Fuck. WHAT did he just do? The sheer
perfect man. Once a week, he -- let’s call him M.W. -- disgustingness of this gesture was a slap in the face
plays in a softball league. A few weeks ago, he came up of humanity. The sick, sick mentality of a person
from the laundry room with his special softball undies who would do something like this haunts me to this
in hand and a disappointed look on his face. He then day: he scratched his crotch and then grabbed a tiny
announced he’d forgotten to switch them from the piece off the edge of one of the innocent little biscuits,
washer to the dryer and had to leave. I said, “Oh, that still waiting hopefully in the pan, just looking for its
sux,” and the next time we made eye contact, he was opportunity to make it in this world.
opening the microwave door. To put his underwear in.
To dry. And then he ate it -- and was totally unaffected by this
“What in the world are you doing?” whole thing.
(Puzzled, but sheepish smile) “What? They’re wet.”
“M.W., you cannot put your underwear where we put Pause. Pause. Pause.
our food.”
“Why not? They’re clean!” There are no words. (Well, actually, I had several
I tilted my head and just widened my eyes. words for him that night, but I won’t repeat them here,
“Fine.” as most of them were screeched at a howler monkey
I reach to get something out of the fridge and he grabs a pitch and contained only four letters.) And then he
paper towel. And when I turn around, he’s opening the denied it...as if I had not just seen him disembowel
microwave again, about to place the paper towel down my revolution for a pair of running shoes...”Reallity
-- to protect the food surface -- with his underwear on Bites,” anyone? No? Bueller? Bueller? No? Okay.
top.
“NOOOOOO!” I screech, “We’re not living in 1989’s I followed him into the next room, all the while venting
‘Uncle Buck.’ You don’t dry your clothes in the my disgust and anger at the lack of consideration he
microwave.” had just shown me and my biscuits. So I did the only
(Sigh) “Fine!” logical thing I could think to do: I plucked that biscuit
from its resting spot like the leper it now was, and
Yes, I laughed, but, deep down, I was thinking, “What sealed it and all its shame from the rest of the biscuit
the hell is going through his mind?...and isn’t that a population in a Ziploc bag. I placed it in the fridge and
fi re hazard?” What is this behavior? labeled it “Crotch Biscuit.”

Fa� Ha� F����e� • Fa� Ha� F����e�
About 10 months earlier, I was in the middle of a vegan Before closing my eyes that night, I let him know,
phase when something else noteworthy happened. I “Your crotch biscuit’s in the refrigerator.”
think it sums up our relationship: “I love you, you just
gross me out” (me to him) and “I love you, but you’re a Underwear in the microwave and crotch biscuit aside,
little wacky” (him to me). I am grateful for every single day I have with this
man and for the opportunity to be loved by someone
One night, after preparing a mostly vegan dinner for infi nitely better than myself...even if I don’t always
me and a not-so-vegan-dinner for M.W., I decided to understand him.
make these Creamy Tomato Dill Vegan Biscuits my
sister turned me onto. They are incredibly moist (I
Write me. What you have to say is important.
once saw a TV show where the mom banned the word
faghagfollies@gmail.com
“moist” from the household because she thought it had
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