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Intimacy Gaps, Sex, & Condoms
by, Alan Robarge, MACP, Psychotherapist
meaning to fucking without condoms. In fact, some we behave unsafe sexually in order to feel safe
men aim for condomless sex because they think it psychologically.
will be better, hotter, or more (here we go again)
meaningful. We wouldn’t need to do this if we were better able to
.
tolerate uncertainty in our relationships (or in our
W
e all know there are layers when getting to
Now I’m sure for some men, sometimes it is more lives). What if barriers to intimacy became more
know someone. These layers of connection
meaningful: sometimes fucking will bridge the accepted, no longer something to overcome? What
reveal themselves over time, depending
intimacy gap. However, the problem is that many if we increased the capacity to stomach not knowing
tionships
on each specifi c relationship. As you can imagine,
of us rely on it to do just that – to bring us closer. whether he cares or if he’s trustworthy? What if
ela
we connect differently with our boyfriends than we
Even a bigger problem, some of us expect it. It’s our we let go of needing a guarantee? Employing such
do with our mothers than we do with the cashiers
ing r
expectations that frequently create disappointments higher order thinking would require being okay
at Walgreens. There are degrees of intimacy. And
and misunderstandings in relationships. with feeling out of control. (Insert screaming noises
as Heidi Klum from Project Runway might say, we
here!)
choose who is “in” and who is “out.”
We often want a guarantee and tangible proof that
our boyfriend or partner cares about us. Such proof Okay – please know I’m not an enlightened
Yet for many of us, we struggle to choose who is
y men explor
helps us feel safe or grounded in our relationships. bodhisattva, meaning I struggle with all of this
in or out; also we’re unclear if we’ve been chosen
G
a
Condoms represent a psychological barrier to just like you. It’s a challenge trusting the present
ourselves. Does he want to choose me? Does he
fi nding that safety. Therefore, fucking without moment, especially when my heart is on the line.
want what I want? We get stumped when it comes
condoms and removing the barrier is an attempt I’m proposing that we all have to practice accepting
to working with these degrees of intimacy. The not
at achieving assurance. The thought process goes the gaps of intimacy and the moments when we feel
knowing can be unbearable and confusing. One
something like this: “I need assurance he really disconnected. Although our instincts are to plow
day he’s calling and the next he’s too busy to talk. I
loves me. I need assurance he will not leave. I need through barriers and get closer to each other, the
wonder should he be a fi nalist for New York Fashion
assurance I can trust him.” Then a leap in solution- relationship would benefi t from waiting.
Week or…auf wiedersehen?
focused thinking occurs next, “I know – I’ll fuck
without a condom, remove the barriers between us,
Compounding the situation is sex, especially when
Now go out there and love each other.
and feel reassured.”
fucking is involved. Many men move forward with
sex despite their confusion, trepidation, or concerns
about the relationship, thinking sex will clarify it.
“Compounding the situation
Alan Robarge, Psychotherapist, is a Denver-
based clinician in private practice. Learn
There’s a conventional idea that to fuck somehow
equates into a deeper love or closeness – not always is sex, especially when fucking
more at www.alanrobarge.com or send an
email to alan@alanrobarge.com.
true. The layers of meaning we attach to particular
sex acts don’t necessarily improve meaningful
is involved. Many men move
relating. When it comes to negotiating intimacy and
expressing closeness, sex brings no guarantees for
forward with sex despite their
feeling loved. We often forget this. So I’m reminding
you.
confusion, trepidation, or
I’ve had such an experience myself in a past
concerns about the relationship,
relationship where the fucking became a barrier
to closeness – the opposite of what I had expected.
Initially there was an unspoken, grand presumption
thinking sex will clarify it. ”
on my part that sex would solidify the relationship,
resulting in profound closeness, safety, trust,
Now I know most us do not think this way in the
etc. It brought none of that. As Freud once said,
moment of sex. I’m suggesting that this belief system
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Or in this case,
is subconscious or running in the background of our
sometimes fucking is just fucking! Why do we think
minds. Also when spelled out on paper the reasoning
it means so much more?
seems a bit illogical (I admit). I propose however that
our human need to feel safe is operating underneath
The idea probably comes from traditions
the faulty reasoning.
of consummating a marriage. Historically,
consummation of a marriage from civil, legal, or
There’s a primal desire to seek control when we
religious perspectives is the fi rst offi cially credited
feel out of control. When we feel unsafe in our
act of sexual intercourse (thanks Wikipedia).
relationships, we want to change it and create the
Consummation means the marriage is now
counter feeling of safety. It’s human to manage
completely legitimate. This I assume is the origin of
our feelings this way. I propose that sex without
placing cultural importance on fucking.
a condom is actually an act of control we use as
an attempt to feel safer. In other words, perhaps
The same idea holds true for condoms too; we assign
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