fruit fly
by angelica osborne
Having a MoMent
Making the Most of the season
“If you are the pink sheep in the family, it can be daunt-
ing. do you bring your lover home and let it be awkward?”
Living in California, when it starts getting brother!” If your Dad tends to make remarks about how he used to dream of hav-
to be time for the holidays, I’m always a ing a successful son who would play football and be a real ladies man, comeback
little surprised. I guess because I’m still in a with, “Oh for sure. Like O.J. Simpson. You know, he has always had a way with the
sundress and flip flops, it confuses my inner seasons. As I look at the calendar, I ladies. I bet his family is so proud.” When I visit Alabama, I always have a rebuttal
immediately get that feeling in the pit of my stomach from the anxiety of the trip ready against the latest gripe on Obama or gay marriage, but I have to admit on
home to visit family. If that’s how I feel being straight and married with my family’s this last trip, I was caught off guard. I’m still aghast. My cousin says to me, “Well, if
only grandchild, I can only imagine the dilemma for someone who is gay and their global warming is real, how come some places are still COLD? Huh!?” Then there
family has never really accepted it. If you are the pink sheep in the family, it can was the time my crazy uncle was trying to explain to me why black people have
be daunting. Do you bring your lover home and let it be awkward? Or go home no buoyancy, so they can’t float in water. There’s really no preparation for those
alone, possibly leaving yourself vulnerable for your cousin to offer to take you to moments. That’s when you give your friend the look, or retire to your hotel, or
the local dive bar where there’s “lots o’ single ladies?” Or do you just go to your fave go, “Balderdash! Who’s in?” And finally, if you can convince your friend to gay it
bar and cry in your Cosmo because everyone is somewhere else important? The up, it might take some of the pressure/attention off of you. If it’s a family friend,
holidays can be a minefield of triggers of depression and confrontation. How can then hire someone off of
Craigslist.com for $50. (people have done more for less,
you prepare for such a battle? I have a few suggestions...First off, stay in a hotel. I assure you). Have them “don their gay appareal” like the Christmas song says.
That way you can escape at any time and aren’t trapped sleeping in the guest They could wear a homemade t-shirt that says, “I’m not gay, but my butt is!” Or
room full of your Mom’s creepy ceramic doll collection and all your school pics you could go with one of my faves, a T-shirt with a picture of a sailor on it, that says,
you detest. Second, bring some board games or group games that keep everyone “There’s some seaman on my shirt!” Ha! And then of course there’s the classic,
BUSY. That way they don’t have as much time to voice their disappointments with “I’m with Gay ->” (and naturally he should be seated by your great uncle). Every
your life. Third, bring a friend. It really helps to have someone to give “the look” to in few minutes have him yell out, “Homolisciuos!” Your family will think you are so
those “WTF?” moments. For example, when your sister starts bragging about how charming, at least by comparison. After he leaves, say,”He just doesn’t have the
her son is going to be a “wrassler” because he is “growing so big” and its obvious support of his family like I do. So sad.” Give yourself permission to enjoy your holi-
he’s just a fat ass and probably already has diabetes. Or, when your brother-in-law days, even if nobody else around you at the table does! Eat your favorite dishes,
shows everyone his new pickup truck and everyone knows his job at Crazy Bob’s get the receipt for your gifts and laugh at your dysfunctional family all the way
firework stand is only seasonal and he’s way behind on child support payments. back to your gayborhood with your friend and the hired flamer from Facebook.
Fourth, be prepared with your dialogue. If your Mom always brings up her distress This year, just allow yourself to be yourself, dependent on no one’s approval but
at not having any “wee ones” in the family, tell her you looked into adoption at your own. You deserve it. Happy Holi-Gays!
her age and how nowadays it’s not a big deal and that you know she can do it!
(Have an adoption pamphlet or print out ready). Be all, “I can’t wait to have a baby
feedback?
fruitfly@ragemonthly.com or
blog@ragemonthly.com
30 RAGE monthly | november 2009
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