hollywood
by tim parks
I wANNA be oNe of
The Real housewives
Why are we so fascinated with Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise? That’s easy enough to answer, it all comes down to the three Bs and one big D – Bitching, Bickering,
Backstabbing and a huge dose of Drama! When you stop to think about it, as gay men, isn’t there a little bit of “Housewives” blood coursing through our veins? Maybe,
not the best analogy if you are comparing yourself to New Jersey’s Danielle Staub, she probably has a reserved spot at the free clinic. Anyhoo, I bet there is just a tiny
part of you that wishes you could be one of them—and if you’re not well endowed, then my apologies. Seriously, though—who wouldn’t want to flip over a table to
punctuate your disdain for someone who has fallen out of favor in your inner circle? (I’m tawkin’ to you and your “bubbies,” Jersey girl Teresa Guidice) Yes, a few ques-
tions have been posed about our love of voyeuristically glimpsing into the lives of these women we “know” on a first name basis. Not to digress, but, it’s me…I cannot
decide which pose I would strike, should I ever be included into this ladies-only enclave. I could see myself flipping my hair out of my eye, while seductively eating a Big
Stick Popsicle. Or staying focused…talk about a concept! But getting back to the answers …there are pros and cons (Nope, not referring to your shady past, Danielle) to
being in the glare of the TV spotlight. Let’s examine the phenomenon that has launched four incarnations (and an upcoming fifth installment to be set in Washington,
D.C.), the aforementioned upside/downside of being “Real,” and the goods on the shows returning soon as regularly scheduled programs.
Atlanta of equestrian-themed clothing? She’s a little horsy because she puts the “Real” in the title and tells it
The ladies of “Atlanta” have been busy as, ahem, lookin’ is all. But, her “She By Sheree” designs recently like it is. And my heart goes out to her for the recent
beavers this season with their entrepreneur endeav- made their debut at New York Fashion Week. The les- loss of ex-fiancé Ashley Jewell. See, I have one! Just
ors. This is exhibit A in why it would be a good move to son there? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! remember, if you are tapped to critique red carpet
emulate those on the show.Sure, you can be like Kim Perhaps a ghostwriter can help you pen a bestsell- arrivals, like NeNe was for the Emmys, please know
Zolciak and have Kandi Burruss make a follow-up to ing tell-all book like NeNe Leakes. the difference between “stylish knots” and shoulder
“Tardy for the Party;” even if your vocal chops should And, therein lies the problem…ole NeNe not pads. Nobody wants to get on Jay Manuel’s bad side
be served with a side dish of earplugs. But, there are only revealed that she was once a stripper named —does he have a good one? With all that gray hair it’s
other ways to capitalize on your crossover television Silk; she also accused Kim of working as one named hard to tell. Plus, if you ever get on Ellen DeGeneres
fame! You can start a wig line (that Kim is one busy Barbie—is that because she appears to be made out (The talk show, not her person! No means no!) a “no
gal!), just be sure they aren’t sold exclusively around of plastic? Why, that’s akin to a drive-by fruiting, dea- comment” might suffice rather than a “don’t cross the
Halloween. Maybe you’re handy with a needle and rie, and not so peachy there, NeNe! Stay on your own line, bitch!” if you have been in a wig-pulling incident
thread? Then you can follow in castmate Sheree Whit- sidewalk…or stripper pole! Speaking of fruit…do and want to appear “classy.”
field’s fashion footsteps. Hey, it worked for co-star you find self-proclaimed “unofficial sixth Housewife”
Lisa Wu Hartwell and her “Closet Freak” couture. Ooh, Dwight Eubanks super annoying? Who appointed New Jersey
somebody drank his Snapple today! Were you also him to that post? Oh wait, he did! New addition Kandi For every second of fame that you might accrue,
surprised that Sheree’s designs weren’t a collection quickly became my favorite person on the show, you do run the risk of having personal information be-
28 RAGE monthly | november 2009
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