The Casey Column
By Wayne Casey
(LL SC NTA & BAR)
The views expressed in this column are not the views of the National Taxi Association
You know itʼs quiet when... sent to prison by a military court for a crime she chances are theyʼd look at our licensing system
You fi nd yourself watching the Jeremy Kyle didnʼt commit. This woman promptly escaped and realise we already had enough anarchy and
show on a morning, repeats of North & South from a maximum-security psychiatric hospital would bugger off to invade somewhere more
on an afternoon and the X factor on a Saturday to Canterbury Council. Today, still wanted by sensible. Imagine how confusing our ʻtaxiʼ (word
evening. At this rate Iʼll be looking forward to the government, she survives as a Licensing used generically to avoid further hate-mail)
episodes of ʻShaun the Sheepʼ! Offi cer making a fortune. If you have a parking licensing system is to foreign tourists going to
problem, if no one else can help, and if you can different parts of the UK, not only that, imagine
Has my life declined to such a level where I fi nd her, maybe you can hire... The Licensing how confusing it is to people who live here.
fi nd myself watching such drivel as people Department.”
from council estates, possibly inbred, on Firstly we have two different licences, Hackney
daytime television? Is this something Iʼd rather If I tell you, reports suggest a licensing offi cer Carriage and Private Hire. Although on the
do than sit for 90 minutes between jobs for stood in front of a cab which was waiting to get surface they do similar jobs, taking the public
£2.30? Where the hell did the public go, selfi sh on a cab rank, told the driver not to move and from point ʻaʼ to point ʻbʼ, they serve two different
basterds, donʼt they know Iʼve a wife and kids to then instructed a traffi c warden to issue a parking functions, one can be hired immediately and
feed? I really thought at the start of the summer, ticket to the taxi, you might think I was taking the another must be pre-booked. The majority of
with decent weather forecasted and the Pound piss. Yet it would appear this has happened. Who areas carry out the same checks on all licensed
doing badly against the Euro, that we would the hell does she think she is? Joan of Arc? Now drivers, but some are governed by ʻbyelawsʼ and
have a decent amount of trade, with a good I donʼt mind being ordered around by women, others are governed by ʻconditionsʼ. If you cross
number of tourists. Most of this summer, under especially if they come in a pair, with thigh high a licensing authority border the chances are the
my breath, Iʼve been calling the met offi ce a leather boots, but this didnʼt happen. (I suppose licensing conditions are completely different, as
bunch of gobs****s. that isnʼt politically correct either, but who cares?) are the colour, make and models of taxis. You
I wonder what would have happened if the would have to ask, if, when coming up with our
The reality is that we seem to have had the driverʼs foot had slipped off the clutch, attempted licensing system, the government of the day sat
worst summer in terms of trade since the Black murder charges perhaps? down and specifi cally worked out a system that
Death. It would appear from reports, all over would be the most confusing possible.
the country cab drivers are saying there are too If the driver of the cab had moved he might have
many taxis, Iʼm glad theyʼve caught on, weʼve found himself in trouble in respect of obstructing If you work in one area your cab must be
been saying this since I started writing in taxi a licensing offi cer, he didnʼt move so he was tested mechanically once per year and can be
talk, and now people take an interest? I wonder issued a parking ticket. I donʼt know about the licensed until its wheels drop off, if you work in
how they noticed… by being the 437
th
cab cab driver, but at fi rst glance a decent defence another it must be able to cater for a section of
waiting to get on the rank perhaps? of the parking ticket would be the obstruction of society that will almost certainly never use it for
the vehicle by a pedestrian, or road kill if sheʼd immediate hire, theyʼll phone for it, to a fi rm that
Whilst ceasing to issue licences will help, itʼs tried that with a number of drivers across the is not actually required to have any. Iʼm quite
hardly going to solve the problem, thatʼs like country. Somehow I donʼt see this as quite right, sure even the society of dribbling knife-wielding
closing the stable door after the horse has I can only imagine the licensing offi cer has a lunatics couldnʼt have come up with this system.
bolted. What we need are fewer taxis, which deep seated, almost psychopathic, dislike of
will be diffi cult, nay impossible to do, a little like cab drivers, it isnʼt normal behaviour. I wonder if In almost all cases drivers are judged by people
fi nding the bolted horse and shooting it. The some gay cab driver ran off with her husband? who have no actual idea or empathy for the
problem is, with so many bolted horses, which physical job they are there to judge. Thatʼs
ones do we fi nd and send to the glue factory? This is the same offi cer who apparently another peach, you are judged by people who
Not mine, or yours either I guess. immediately suspended a driver for a major not only have no grasp of licensing law, but who
facebook incident (see the Reiver last issue); are evidently ignorant of the rules, they actually
Whilst having a bath this morning I did carefully where a driver was suspended for nothing employ people who are as equally ignorant
consider this dilemma and I have a number of more than a ʻtiffʼ with a private hire company. I and downright stupid. This true Corinthian spirit
ideas how to achieve this task, most of which wonder if similar action is taken against other is perhaps something people are happy with,
are probably illegal, these include banning road users in the area, particularly those who however, Iʼm personally getting a little tired of it.
people from driving cabs who have either ginger park on taxi ranks. Somehow I canʼt see it. Why
hair or beards, those who live on council estates do cab drivers put up with this kind of sh*t? In We have licensing policy, which affects us all,
and anyone called Reg or Cockney Sparra. any other job it would be seen as harassment. made up by people who have no actual idea
Alternatively, letʼs leave it to the local authorities A council issues 300 odd licences, then doesnʼt about our job, or more worryingly of theirs. We
whose policies seem to be one of making us all provide anywhere for them to stand, and then may as well go to the local mental hospital and
bankrupt or dead. wonders why cabs park everywhere? Obviously, ask the patients, the end result will at least be
not all licensing offi cers are like this, I also the benefi t of giving us drawings in crayon. I get
Justifying their job know, in some cases, cab drivers are quite the distinct impression from some areas that the
I received a rather alarming phone call the stupid and ignorant, park in daft places and qualifi cation to be a committee member, whose
other week from a strange place in Kent. will pleasantly tell people to ʻeff offʼ if they ask purpose is to decide its local transport policy, is
Weirdly enough it links to a recent editorial. This them to move. However, it also appears some decided by people whose only ability appears to
particular place is deregulated, and, as ever, the licensing offi cers, a minority, see cab drivers be able to stick up their right arm and say ʻyeah
local authority has failed to keep any form of link as a hindrance to their jobs, not the purpose, Iʼll do that if no one else willʼ (yawn yawn).
between licence numbers and rank spaces, the forgetting that itʼs us that pay their wages!
effect, especially during the quiet summer, has It also appears the government have given our
been over-ranking. Obviously the local authority Stuff the councils, Iʼd rather be judged local authorities so much power they are like
had to do something about this heinous crime. by Simon Cowell kids in sweetshops, itʼs like giving the girl guides
If Martians were to send a scouting party to full access to our fl eet of nuclear submarines.
“Ten years ago, a cracked traffi c warden was Earth prior to an invasion and land in Britain, the We have read in recent months how some
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