The Berk with a Merc where scams
don’t werk!
By the Cockney Scouser… everyoneʼs friend!
Last issue, I did say that I was going to possibly and correct. What gave the game away was staggering 58 per
upset a few geezers and that the truth hurts, on closer inspection the email address said it cent…from 1,200
well Mr ʻMarshalʼ (what a fantastic non de was from HM Revenue & Customs <offi cer. to 1,900. Not bad
plume you came up with), he certainly wasnʼt robinson@hmrc.co.uk, indeed all genuine in this recession
a happy chappy with me was he? In reply to emails should actually end in hmrc.gov.uk. In eh? I am the fi rst to
Mr ʻMarshalsʼ letter on page 35 is that I am fairness, even scammers must be feeling the admit you shouldnʼt
currently writing this while wearing a West Ham pinch in this recession I suppose. Interestingly, park on private
United football shirt, just a short distance from a HM Revenue and Customs spokesman/ land, and I am not a lawyer or that clever as
Wycombe Wanderers Football Club. Of course, I upstart/geezer/robber actually said offi cials were some of you may already know. However, I think
am drinking in an Irish pub with a lovely Guinness working with the police forces in Austria, Mexico, the clampers are acting unlawfully depriving
to boot, which is okay as I am not driving as I the United States, Thailand and Japan to tackle
people of their property and if they tow a car
got a lift here as the White Lady has rusty wings. the fraudsters. Like I say, perhaps they should
it should be regarded as theft in my opinion.
Perhaps, I will go for a curry as well as itʼs a
try closer to home in Downing Street fi rst as The methods used by these companies are
Friday night and I am well west from where I live!
thatʼs the home of Shysters United! disgraceful and need to be strictly controlled.
Anyhow Mr ʻMarshalʼ, please send my regards
It is also a scandal that the DVLA colludes
to all the other Mr ʻMarshalsʼ in the Feeder Park
with them by providing owner details for a
at Heathrow Airport…ooops, silly me as I forgot
ridiculously small fee. How can this government
marshal geezers donʼt have to go through the
regard this as legal in England and Wales?
Feeder Park and do four hours like us mere
It defi es all logic. Unscrupulous clamping
mortals! Cʼest la vie fellow Feeder Park geezers.
companies operate in every city and hardly any
of them wear a recognisable uniform or display
In recent years, I have often been sent
an identity card. Signs are also very often
notifi cations via email that a relative of mine in
inadequate and their operations do not seem to
deepest Africa or in down under Australia or
be there to deter parking but to catch people out
even serf of the Thames has died and left me
and earn lots of money.
a fortune and that if I supply my bank details,
then £25 million trillion etc will be deposited
Regulation is non-existent and enforcement
in the nominated bank, subject to a handling
techniques can only be described as immoral,
charge equivalent to a price of a ham butty and
in fact the AA says the industry actually is
a cup of tea mʼ dear. Sounds great doesnʼt it
ʻtotally immoralʼ and an astonishing one in
but of course it is a confi dence trick, confi dence
every seventeen drivers have been clamped
game, or con for short (also known as a scam). at sometime! Did you know that the French
It is an attempt to intentionally mislead a person donʼt have clamps... you know why? Well the
or persons usually with the goal of fi nancial nation as a whole decided to reject them and
or other gain. The confi dence trickster, con And now for another scam, which actually is every person carried around super glue. If they
man, scam artist or con artist often works with kind of legal... this horrible industry rakes in saw a clamp they would go across and super
many accomplices... sounds a bit like this almost £1 billion a year from motorists parked glue the lock. It became too expensive for the
labour government by the way! And for the fi rst on private land and has been described as clampers to operate them as clamp after clamp
time, I nearly fell for the scam. Fraudsters are ʻlegalised muggingʼ. No, itʼs not the £5.50 fee was written off...There are plenty of stereotypes
currently bombarding 5,000 taxpayers a day for the Feeder Park at the Airport including
about the French: apparently they smell a
(!) with bogus tax return emails as part of a the HALT fee. Itʼs what car clampers routinely
little, women donʼt shave their underarms and
swindle to obtain their bank details. The attacks charge which can often be as much as £500
anywhere else for that matter (oooh I better not
have been unleashed as many prepare to fi le penalties and their tow away trucks also
touch you there), they are sometimes rude, they
their tax returns ahead of the self assessment prey on the vulnerable and are often paid on
hate the English, they eat snails and frogs…but
deadline of January 31st 2010. The emails claim commission, encouraging them to immobilise
mon dieu, you got to hand it to them that when
to be from HM Revenue and Customs offering as many vehicles as possible. But despite the
those geezers protest at something they always
taxpayers a rebate. They direct users to a phony extraordinary power they wield, those working
win. So to conclude, let me get this straight, if
website that looks absolutely identical to the on private land in England and Wales (as
you park your car on private property you get
offi cial HMRC website. Users are then asked to usual Scotland has common sense and has
clamped and heavily fi ned. If you park your
enter their name, address and bank/credit card different rules and regulations as since 1992
caravan and set up home on private property
details, including the security code on the back. this ʻlegalised theft is just not allowed) are
and private land as in fi elds, you get special
Many have no idea they have been conned until completely unregulated and their victims have
rights and the lawful owner has to spend a
told by their banks that large withdrawals have no right of independent appeal. The major fl aw
fortune over several years to get you moved.
been made from their accounts, if they are lucky in the current regime is that the company which
Says a lot about British justice doesnʼt it…?
that they actually have a pot to piss in, in the issued the clamp and penalty in the fi rst place
fi rst place mind you. is allowed to act as judge, jury and executioner
in the case, which unlike on public roads,
Donʼt forget, geezers, that there seems to be
The email told me that I was due a refund of an appeal can be made to an independent
only one union that is prepared to take on and
£327.54, which is not really that much as itʼs tribunal. The clampers can charge whatever
fi ght our cause now and we all know that union
only a job to Londonʼs Gatwick Airport in the they like and are even allowed to exploit this
is the R.M.T. which represents more than 80,000
Merc for werk to be honest! The amazingly Governmentʼs supposedly confi dential DVLA
members in almost every sector of the transport
accurate form even said this: Important - The database to fi nd their victims names and
industry…. what are you waiting for? Join them
tax law imposes heavy penalties for giving addresses at £2.50 a time. Research shows
now! Be lucky Guvʼnor and donʼt forget to keep
false or misleading information and I declare that this has led to clamping becoming a boom
those manual and electric doors locked.
that all the information I have given on this industry. Between March 2008 and April 2009,
tax return, including any attachments, is true the number of licensed clampers rocketed by a Sheldon Collins…A.K.A. The Cockney Scouser.
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