relationships
5
DEAR BROOKE
WAYS TO
& DARIA…
GET HER
Our resident agony aunts
soothe your dating pains
ATTENTION:
Want to make her notice you but still keep
your cool? g3 tells you how it’s really done.
Wiggle
Look at her
your hips
We’re not talking full-on
T
r
y this one when y
creepy stare here, just brief glances every
her to get to the bar or the toilets.
few minutes. You want to make her fall in Remember
ou walk past
love with your pretty blue eyes, not fi sexy fl
with thoughts of sharp objects and organ
ll her
as if y
,
our
though,
ish is one thing –
that a subtle
Dear Brooke and Daria,
music… and moving on to another bar. hip op
ou’
re reco
v
e
I’ve just moved in with my girlfriend,
it par
eration i ring from a doub
looking
and by God, that woman can snore!
t of y
s
our walk,
quite another
le
It’s driving me insane. What can I do?
expressionist
not a piece of
. Mak
e
Yours, Sleepless in Skegness
theatre
.
Brooke: Poor you. I’ve been there
myself. The girlfriend I had before Daria
Order
was a one-woman dinosaur expo.
her a drink
Every night I lay awake as she roared
her way rhythmically towards daylight. It
Nothing beats the thrill of seeing her look over
was hell on earth. Eventually, desperation
to see which mysterious lady has just kindly
drove me into the arms of Daria, who,
supplemented her booze supply. A tip, though:
despite her many failings, at least knows
don’t send the barwoman over with a shot of
how to keep schtum after cocoa time.
Absinthe if earlier you saw the object of your
But I digress. It doesn’t have to be the
desire abandon a bottle of J20 to go out and
end for you guys. If you’ve tried nasal
move her car.
sprays, strips, etc, and nothing helps, it
Whoops!
may be time to look at your girlfriend’s
lifestyle and see if any changes can be
Dance near her made there. That half-bottle-of-whisky
Standing in front of her making
nightcap she insists on may well be
lewd gestures while the DJ is
encouraging her night-time rumblings.
95
playing
Equally, those forty fags a day she
Push It
is not quite what we mean.
by Salt ‘n’ Pepa
likes to choke down may also be a
Rather, we think you should
contributory factor in her nasal
place yourself about three
passages rattling their way merrily
or four feet away and throw
through the early hours. However… if
your best moves, glancing up
she’s inhaled nothing more than a mung
coquettishly every few minutes
bean and some green tea in the last
to see if your target has clocked
decade, it’s probably time to consider
you yet.
surgery of some kind. Either that, or fi nd
Laugh
yourself a nice Trappist nun to get it on
loudly
with, and enjoy some much needed
Sho
peace and quiet.
w her y
that y
our cor
ou’
re ha
the place to bener of the bar is
ving fun,
and
Daria: Gentle pillow therapy can offer
create the impression that y
. Be careful not to
permanent relief from sleep apnoea.
just dischar
Simply place one over your girlfriend’s
special hospital on the edge of
ged y
our
face and press down hard for fi ve
to
self from the
ou’v
e
wn,
minutes. She will never snore again.
though.
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