Looking at a closed shipyard on the Clyde, caused much disturbance to many people, refused access to a nightclub at 2am in the
looking at a redundant coalmine in South Wales apart from those obviously in close proximity.
morning, not because the nightclub was full, but
or similar in England, fi lls me with a sense of
But unfortunately I am one of those people because they were apparently sick of people
sadness, it depicts a nation in decline with
some seem to despise, a semi literate cab driver
going there after theyʼd spent most of the night
replacements such as call centres and new
with an inkling of knowledge, and a sense of
in other parts of the City. Ainʼt that a little like
investment areas being not only sad imitations
right and wrong. I have long broadcast my view
but also disrespectful to what they replaced
refusing fares because they didnʼt get your cab
that I am able to leap tall buildings with a single
Where they used to build tanks on the Tyne, they
into the town?
now sell the Vauxhall Astra. I donʼt think Iʼve ever
bound; I have additionally made proliferations
taken to heart any insult by a Scot, yes Iʼve been
of my excellence in the sack, all of which are
Back to taxis, I tend to believe issuing cab
called an English b*stard, and I believe so has
obviously true. Indeed, and as you might have
licences to people needs a certain degree of
the editor along with other names such as a*se
guessed, the world in my mind really does
forethought by local authorities. If you issue
hole, but itʼs with feeling, taken in jest and thereʼs
revolve around ʻoneselfʼ.
more cab licences you need more places for
always been a retaliatory strike. If Iʼm asked
them to stand and ply their trade, you also need
about the Scots having their own parliament I Itʼs really quite strange, I mean, I know Iʼm good,
usually ask why do they want another one? After
to know what demand for cabs is like. I mean,
I know for example you are at this moment
all, our government is and has been run by Scots
it doesnʼt take the brains of Einstien to work
hanging onto every letter I type, but, in all
for many years (and if you donʼt believe me,
honesty itʼs never a position I actually dreamed
out that in the general agenda of a working
pay Bob McCulloch for a tour of the Edinburgh
to be in. I left school wanting to do as little
cab driver putting food on a table is way above
schools that educated our government!) I quite
as possible for as much money as possible,
maintaining the vehicle. Looking around the
like being safe in the knowledge that each
and in between times marry a truly wonderful
country I can honestly state the cab driver is
morning there will be a Scot on the border, kilt
blowing in the wind, at the frontier, genitals
woman whose beauty is beyond compare (OK
his or her own worst enemy, in that respect.
in hand, shouting ʻPoofsʼ with the sound of
Caroline you can stop typing now). But to be in
Someone once said: “Please donʼt lie to me,
bagpipes in the background, in the English
a position where anyone actually gives a sh*t
unless youʼre absolutely sure Iʼll never fi nd out
direction (courtesy of Absolutely). If that doesnʼt
what I write is truly quite remarkable. I have
the truth.” And this is the same for some of
make you smile, I donʼt think youʼre British.
seemingly been deemed subversive by fi rms
those fi rms out there, built on truth but departing
and local authorities across the country, when
to lies. I see people so engulfed by lies that their
A Subversive Infl uence
in actual fact all I was trying to do was to get own minds actually blank out the true reality. I
Iʼd have thought laying around and as pissed as possible, whilst having as much
have more respect for a leech… at least it keeps
occasionally passing wind wouldnʼt have fun as possible. Indeed, recently I was actually its host alive.
Lucky Wolves cabbie lands a
grand in his hand
I
t seemed like only yesterday that I was in Hull handing out another
cheque... and yet here I was on my way to hand out the next one. This
month Iʼd set my sights on Wolverhampton – but as I emerged into the
sunny streets of Englandʼs 13
th
most populated city I thought “well, itʼs a bit
too sunny to jump straight into a warm cab.”
Instead, I decided to make the most of the weather and have a wander
around West Park in the city centre, trench coat and trilby in hand. Now, as
well as taking my novelty cheques wherever I go, Iʼm renowned for always
having a decent supply of stale bread with me – so I headed straight for the
duck pond. But after an unpleasant altercation with a swan on one of my
last tips I decided it was time to fi nd todayʼs lucky cabbie.
And it was so easy! There was a long line of taxis at the train station and
lots of windscreens proudly displaying my lovely face. Luckily, Iʼm well-
versed in cab etiquette so I headed to the front, hopped in the very fi rst
taxi and whipped out my oversized chequebook. My driver – Hakikat
Singh of Associated Taxis – couldnʼt believe his luck when I revealed my
true identity and handed over a £1,000 tip!
“I heard a rumour that someone had already been tipped today,” said Mr
Singh, “so I thought Iʼd lost my chance. Iʼm going to use this money for a
trip to India.” Another month, another satisfi ed customer!
Next month it could be you! Iʼll be in Swindon on the 9
th
of September...
and all you have to do for a chance to win is display the Mystery Tipper
sticker in your rear windscreen. Get yours by calling Swinton Taxi Division
for a quote on 0800 024 1013* or by visiting www.mysterytipper.co.uk.
Terms and conditions apply – go online for details.
And remember, Iʼm on Facebook and Twitter! Look me up to get the
inside info on everything Iʼm up to.
*calls may be recorded
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