Alf Townsend’s Original London
taxi talk column
* H W W L Q J E D F N W R U H D O L W \ the present day and the deepest recession / R Q G R Q W K H + D P S V W H D G 0 H Q · V 3 R Q G 1 R Z
since the thirties, with the streets of London , · P Q R W D K R P R S K R E H E X W W K H V H J D \ V Z H U H D Q
% D F N L Q W K H J R R G R O G G D \ V R I W K H V H Y H Q W L H V E H U H I W R I W D [ L S X Q W H U V E R W K G D \ D Q G Q L J K W % X W absolute pain, they virtually took over our little
and eighties when work at night for us London now we were blessed with a new breed of secluded spot on the heath and turned it into
cabbies was plentiful, many of us abused this young cabbies working at night who refused D U D W K H U V H H G \ S O D F H W R P H H W ¶ D I U L H Q G · , W W D N H V
bounty. I was no angel, but at least I was one to take any crap from these slippery doormen a lot to embarrass me, but the sight of all the
R I W K H I H Z Z K R D F W X D O O \ S L F N H G X S W K H ¶ 3 D G G L H V · and Clipboard Johnnies – they were up for a ¶ D S S H Q G D J H V · L Q I X O O Y L H Z ² P D Q \ Z L W K Z L G H
in Kilburn and Cricklewood – but only if they showdown. With the able assistance of the gold bands attached, even embarrassed me! It
were with a young lady and were happy to radio companies who gave them the up-to- reminded me very much of a high-class fruiterer
F X G G O H X S L Q W K H E D F N L Q D E R R ] \ V O X P E H U 6 R P H date info on the various clubs turning out, lovingly lining up his expensive zucchinis –
of the younger drivers reading this piece just they deliberately double-parked alongside the W K D W · V F R X U J H W W H V W R \ R X D Q G P H $ I W H U E H L Q J
Z R X O G Q · W E H O L H Y H W K H P D \ K H P Z K H Q D O O W K H : H V W crooked touts and took the fares as they came constantly propositioned I decided to continue
End theatres turned out. There were literally R X W 6 X G G H Q O \ W K H G R R U P H Q D Q G W K H W R X W V K D G my sunbathing – ¶ W U X Q N V R Q · at Parliament Hill
hundreds of people all screaming for cabs at lost everything because the cabbies had united Lido and leave the regulars moaning. And now,
W K H V D P H W L P H D Q G R E Y L R X V O \ W K H ¶ Z L V H J X \ V · D W O R Q J O D V W 6 R P H R I W K H G R R U P H Q P D G H L G O H some half-a-century later, it appears they are
V W D U W H G ¶ F K H U U \ S L F N L Q J · W R V H O H F W W K H E H V W U L G H V threats – as did some of the frustrated touts, still having a ruck!
, P X V W F R Q I H V V W K D W L W G L G Q · W Z R U N I R U P H W K H À U V W but it was a lost cause, the cabbies were there
and only time I tried it. After asking some half- in their dozens–with plenty more ready to join The price of a pee in London
a-dozen potential passengers where they were the fray when they got the call on the radio. The
going, I suddenly thought to myself, hold on a
moral of this story is basically ¶ Q R W K L Q J L V H Y H U
It would appear that many of the councils in
minute, just what are you looking for and, from
F D V W L Q V W R Q H · not even our perceived right to
Central London have spotted a way to earn
W K D W G D \ W R W K L V , W D N H W K H À U V W I D U H Z K H U H Y H U
have the London taxi punters all to ourselves.
some extra dough by changing the meaning of
W K H \ · U H E R X Q G I R U 7 K L V F X O W X U H R I ¶ F K H U U \ S L F N L Q J ·
$ W O R Q J O D V W P D Q \ L Q R X U W U D G H K D Y H À Q D O O \
¶ 3 X E O L F & R Q Y H Q L H Q F H V · to, ¶ $ & R Q Y H Q L H Q W : D \
and refusing to go ¶ V D U I R I W K H U L Y H U ¶ F R V \ R X
X Q G H U V W R R G W K D W Z L W K À H U F H F R P S H W L W L R Q I U R P
R I ( D U Q L Q J 0 R Q H \ ) U R P W K H 3 X E O L F · ) R U D V O R Q J
J H W D Q R V H E O H H G Z K H Q S D V V L Q J Z D W H U · became
all sides, we can ill afford to cherry pick any
as I care to remember, London has always
almost the norm because we had a captive
longer if we wish to exist in this new aggressive
been blessed with hundreds of loos all over, in
market with no competition. The licensed radio
P D U N H W 0 \ R Q O \ I H D U L V W K D W Z K H Q Z H À Q D O O \
fact at most major junctions there used to be
circuits – on instructions from their drivers I
come out of this recession and the work picks
one of those lovely, old-fashioned urinals, built
P L J K W D G G Z R X O G Q · W W D N H E R R N L Q J V I U R P , U L V K
X S D O O W K H ¶ V K U H Z G Q X W V · Z L O O U H Y H U W W R W K H L U R O G
by the God-fearing Victorians and decorated
dance halls, public call boxes, pubs or late night
ways and start ¶ E U R R P L Q J · fares again. Our
in wrought iron. We cabbies called them
F O X E V < H W Z H W K H U D Q N D Q G À O H / R Q G R Q F D E E L H V
esteemed editor will bear witness to the stupid
affectionately ¶ , U R Q / X Q J V · ) R U V X U H W K H U H Z H U H
who had caused this problem, screamed the
actions of a few London cabbies when he
no roofs or lights to these urinals – so both your
O R X G H V W Z K H Q W K L V Y D F X X P Z D V À O O H G E \ W K H
U H F H Q W O \ F D P H R X W R I 7 K H . Q R Z O H G J H 6 F K R R O
shoes and your head could get wet - but they
numerous minicab companies who had been
in Caledonian Road and tried to hail a cab to
were basic and functional. Then over the years
doing their homework well! They set up their
6 W D Q P R U H 1 R Z I R U W K R V H R I \ R X Q R W I D P L O L D U Z L W K
the councils started closing these urinals –
shops very close to all the Irish dance halls and
London, that journey would add up to the best
whether for reasons of economics or from
proceeded to reap the rewards for their shrewd
part of forty quid, but still David was ¶ E U R R P H G ·
many complaints about gays using them for
business acumen.
, G R Q · W N Q R Z W K H U H D V R Q I R U W K L V D Q G , · Y H E H H Q
the purpose of cottaging. At the same time
driving a London cab for 46 years!!
they decided to shut down all those wonderful
As the years rolled by the minicab companies, loos built underground that emitted magic lights
now known by the grander title of Private 7 U X Q N V R Q ² R U W U X Q N V R I I " through the quartz - glass panes in the darkness.
Hire and considered ¶ N R V K H U · by even the City How we young kids used to love these magic
conglomerates, devised even more cunning 7 K H U H · V V R P H W K L Q J D N L Q W R D E D W W O H R I ¶ W K H O L J K W V 6 R Q R Z Z K H Q 3 X E O L F & R Q Y H Q L H Q F H V D U H
ways to nick the lucrative night work from the W U X Q N V · U D J L Q J D W W K H P R P H Q W D W / R Q G R Q · V becoming a scarcity on the streets of London,
F D E E L H V ) L U V W O \ ¶ V W U D L J K W H Q X S · D O O W K H G R R U P H Q S R S X O D U + D P S V W H D G 0 H Q · V 3 R Q G , W D S S H D U V what do many of the inner-borough councils do,
at the late nightclubs with a generous back- that the nude sunbathers want more space they charge a fee for their use. One of the worst
hander. Next, provide a Clipboard Johnnie to in the compound that is presently divided by R I I H Q G H U V L Q W K L V ¶ W U R X V H U U L S R I I · L V : H V W P L Q V W H U
stand outside the doors and chat the fares a partition between the ¶ W U X Q N V R Q · and the City Council where 50p for a pee is now the
in, working on the premise that this is legal ¶ W U X Q N V R I I · brigades! This partition was erected norm in their Public Conveniences. This charge
E H F D X V H L W · V D S U H E R R N H G I D U H ² E X W L W · V Q R W because some swimmers with young sons said is probably aimed at the thousands of visitors
O H J D O L W · V L O O H J D O W R X W L Q J % X W Z K R Z D V E R W K H U H G that the sight of many naked men with large W K D W Á R F N W R W K H L U Z R U O G U H Q R Z Q H G W R X U L V W V
about this blatant law breaking? Certainly not ¶ D S S H Q G D J H V · Z D V H P E D U U D V V L Q J , F D Q U H F D O O Y H Q X H V H Y H U \ \ H D U % X W L W D O V R D I I H F W V W K H P D Q \
W K H R O · % L O O R U W K H 3 & 2 D Q G V X U S U L V L Q J O \ Q R W H Y H Q Z D \ E D F N L Q W K H V L [ W L H V R I Y L V L W L Q J W K H 0 H Q · V hundreds of cabbies who transport these many
the night cabbies because there was still plenty Pond most days of the week – both summer tourists to the venues and, if like many of them,
R I Z R U N D E R X W 6 D G O \ P D Q \ R I W K H V H F D E E L H V and winter. I fancied myself as a bit of a body- you happen to suffer from a weak bladder, it
who had worked their socks off for three years builder in those days and used to work out with can cost a nice few bob every time you go to
or more doing The Knowledge, wrongly believed the weights in the compound before having a work! Maybe they could introduce some sort of
that the world owed them a living - without any freezing-cold dip. In the summer my mates and I scheme where the cabbie, on production of his
competition from some 53,000 PH drivers who Q H Y H U K D G D Q \ ¶ Z K L W H E L W V · L W Z D V E U R Z Q D O O R Y H U badge, can get a discount pee? Alternatively,
can pick up their licences in a couple of days. E D E \ 6 R R Q D I W H U W K D W W K H U H Z D V D E L J U X P S X V D W what about a voucher scheme - simply save
, · P V R U U \ J X \ V D Q G J D O V W K D W · V Q R W Z K D W W K H W K H 6 H U S H Q W L Q H / L G R E H W Z H H Q W K H D X W K R U L W L H V D Q G \ R X U Y R X F K H U V D Q G E H U H Z D U G H G Z L W K D ¶ I U H H S H H
U H D O Z R U O G L V D O O D E R X W , Q U H D O L W \ L W · V D O O D E R X W the gays – who were subsequently all barred. Z H H N · " 0 L Q G \ R X L I Z H D O O G H F L G H G W R E R \ F R W W
dog eat dog with no prisoners taken and the Most of these gays eventually turned up at fares to Westminster, who knows they might
winner taking the spoils. Now fast forward to the only other nude sunbathing venue in want to talk!!
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