the snooze button right out of that wretched
machine. Sealing the hole with putty and
coating it with nail varnish, I was done.
When my wife got home, there was a
S
Snooze
real family feud. Because I withdrew to my
leeping is my favourite part of this happy place, I can’t relate exactly what she
whole life thing, edging out hot said; it had something to do with divorce,
chocolate fudge cake and foot retardation, and nail varnish stains on the
lickings. I need about eight hours of sleep a duvet cover.
day and at least that many at night. My wife had another idea, which she
Unfortunately, due to a tragic series of explained in stark detail as one might a
events resulting in corporate employment, ghost story around the campfire.
my wife wakes up at six a.m. every day, “You see, my meddling friend, this
regardless of when she fell asleep the night particular clock has two alarms in case both
before. There should be a law against that husband and wife hold real jobs…”
kind of sweatshop mentality. She described how, instead of
I told her: If the alarm clock wakes you “occasionally” hitting snooze—a blatant
up, you’re not getting enough to dream. lie—she would now set both alarms, ten
Why would an employer want you to show minutes apart, so that the clock would go
up in that state? Yet clocks are beeping off twice no matter what. Guaranteed
Jason Love
and buzzing at ungodly hours all over the snooze!
world. I come to you with two choices: I can
Here’s the problem: Alarm clocks don’t succumb to the new system, or I can
wake up only the intended; they wake up accidentally annihilate the machine thereby
everyone in the room. So every morning at ending my life. But according to my wife,
six, I, an innocent bysleeper, am shaken where I am going there is no bed. Just a
from my peach tree by a sound much like giant alarm clock that goes off every ten
the WRONG buzzer on Family Fortunes minutes for all eternity.
over and over until someone, sweet mercy,
turns it off.
If that is where it ended, I would sink
“

back into my feathers and forget. But myT he tannins,” said Chris, “also intensify
wife, instead of facing the fact that
y
sl
o
ee
u
p
r


i
h
s
over and her life stinks, rolls over and hits
angover.”
… the snooze button.
I verified Chris’s theory the next morning
Call me old-fashioned, but I can
w
’t
h
sl
e
e
n
ep
I

found myself muttering at the phone
Winete-Tn amsintuintegs :a t a time. When my wifleo nhigts after it had stopped ringing. So it goes.
Snooze
snooze, I start to fidget, knowing that in
“
6
T
0
h
0
seconds, about the time it takes to nod off, I
is next wine will be your favourite,”
will suffer “sudden fear caused by t
s
he
a

id Chris, pouring a Sauvignon Blanc. “It
Sleeping is my favourite part of this portent of danger” (the oth
. er definithioans o fa nice, peppery finish.”
whole life thing, edging out hot
I
Not Just for Snobs
owe a lot to wine. According to reports, it
played a major role in my conception
Unfortunately, I’m
ala
not
rm).
One
much
mornin
of
g I
an
held
expert.
a summit with m
Pepp
y
er is not something I look for in a
chocolate fudge cake and foot
When a waiter bring
b
s
e
t
d
h
m
e
a

t
w
e.
i

n
I e
e
x

p
li
r
s
e
t
s
,
s
I
e

d
u

s
co
e
n

c
th
er
e
n

for
wine. In fact, it’s not something I look for on
lickings. I need about eight hours of
time-honoured syste
s
m
om
o
e
f
th
“
in
e
g
e
I
e
h
n
o
y
ld


m
de
e
a
e
r—
ny
ou
m
r m
in
a
y
rr

iag
f
e
o
—
od
an
.
d
Y

et this bottle was the kind of wine that
sleep a day and at least that many at
mo.” Otherwise you eruxpnla tinheed rhioswk sohfe w coauitlde rpsro tect thmat ade you skip dinner. It felt almost nutritious.
concern by giving up the snooze button. I
night.
raising an eyebrow a
e
n
ve
d
n


m
ca
a
m
k
e
i

n
u
g
p

w
F
i
r
th
e

n
a
c
ca
h
t

chy slogan: “Yo
C
u
hris and I swirled our way to the
sounds through their
s

n
n
o
o
o
s
ze
e
,
s
I
.
l

ose.”
Bordeaux, a Merlot wine named after a busty
Unfortunately
I visited a
, due to a tragic series of events
local cella
S
r
h

e
w
w
h
a
e
s
r
n
e
’t


I
b

i
w
g o
a
n
s


slogans.
seventies actress. No, that’s Bardot. Ha! You
resulting in corporate employment, my wife
introduced to wine expeI hrta dC tho rdisot soopmheethri ng. So one wouldn’t believe how funny that was after six
wakes up at six a.m. every day
Watson …
afternoon, with a screwdriver, I chis
g
e
l
l
a
le
s
d
s

es of wine.

“So what kind of wine do
, regardless of
when she fell asleep the night before. There
you like?” asked She wasn’t big on slogans.I struggled to describe the Bordeaux.
should be a law against that kind of sweatshop Chris. “Whatever tastes most like Coca- ChrI had to do something. So one afternoon, with is had already taken the obvious choice -
mentalityCola.” H. I told her: If the alarm clock wakes you e chuckled as though I was joking. sma screwdriveroky herbal d, I chiselled the snooze button right usk - so I had to stick with
up, you’re not getting enough to dream. Why
Chris rinsed with, and spat out, a glass of poe
out of that wretched machine. Sealing the hole
tic faces.
would an employer want you to show up in that
rosé. I myself am principally opposed to
with putty and coating it with nail varnish, I was
We finished with Conn Creek Cabernet,
state? Y
spitting
et clocks are beeping and buzzing at
out alcohol, so I finished the glass. the
done.
“youngest” bottle and definitely my
ungodly hours all over the world.
Think of the starving children. favourite.
Chris asked me to swirl the glass, which
When my wife got home, there was a real
Here’s the problem: Alarm clocks don’t wake up
“We consume so much wine as a
is where I drew the line. There would be no soc
family feud. Because I withdrew to my happy
only the intended; they wake up everyone in the
iety,” said Chris, “that you can’t find a six-
swirling and no poetic faces. “The swirling,” yea
place, I can’t relate exactly what she said; it had
room. So every morning at six, I, an innocent
r-old Chardonnay. Most wines are
he said, “opens up the wine. Reds are des
something to do with divorce, retardation, and
bysleeper
igned to be consumed quickly.”
especial
, am shaken from my peach tree by a
ly tense out of the bottle.”
nail varnish stains on the duvet cover
And boy was I consuming quickly.
.
sound much like the WRONG buzzer on F

I was drinking and learning at the sa
amily
Fortunes over and over until someone, sweet me My wife had another idea, which she explained By day’s end, I was not only sideways but
mercytime. , turns it offJust like un.iversity. Chris wedged his upsin stark detail as one might a ghost story around ide-down and backwards. I had, however,
nose into the glass. That’s why wine glasses lea
the campfire.
rned some things. Whereas my motto on
If that is where it ended, I would sink back into
are so big - to fit your snout. Chris said that it wine used to be “quantity, not quality,” I now
my feathers and forget. But my wife, instead
helps you shift gears. Finally, after all the fee
“Y
l c
ou see,
omforta
my
ble
meddling
walking in
friend, this particular clock
to any snooty
of facing the fact that sleep is over and her life
pomp and circumstance, I got to do what I do restaurant,
has two alarms in case both husband and wife
looking that French waiter directly
stinks, rolls over and hits … the snooze button.
best: Get hammered. in t
hold real jobs…”
he nose, and ordering my favourite wine.
Call me old-fashioned, but I can’t sleep ten
minutes at a time. When my wife hits snooze,
No, no, no. I had come to debate the Whatever they recommend.
floral undertones of wine while wearing a
She described how, instead of “occasionally”
I start to fidget, knowing that in 600 seconds,
monocle.
hitting snooze—a blatant lie—she would now set
about the time it takes to nod off
We started with my favourite
, I will suffer
wine, the
both alarms, ten minutes apart, so that the clock
“sudden fear caused by the portent of danger” would go off twice no matter what. Guaranteed
(the other definition of alarm).
Viognier [pronunciation tip: don’t sound any snooze!
of the actual letters – vee-on-yay].
One morning I held a summit with my bedmate. Chris recommends reading Wine for I come to you with two choices: I can succumb
I expressed concern for something I hold dear—
Dummies unless you’re a complete idiot, in
to the new system, or I can accidentally annihilate
our marriage—and explained how she could
which case read The Complete Idiot’s Guide
the machine thereby ending my life.
protect that concern by giving up the snooze
to Wine.
But according to my wife, where I am going there
button. I even came up with a catchy slogan:
We graduated to red wines - the Dark
is no bed. Just a giant alarm clock that goes off
“Y
Side
ou snooze, I lose.”
- starting with my favourite, the Pinot
every ten minutes for all eternity.
Noir. Chris explained the difference between
46
red wine and white, and, despite what your
uncouth brain tells you, red wine does not
simply come from red grapes. The colour
comes from tannins in the skin.
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