Alf Townsend’s London
taxi talk column
Right, letʼs have a bit of a laugh this time Afrika Corps when they got their bums smacked years and not featured too much in the winnerʼs
around – just for a change. Positively no at El Alamein! I have been known to get over- enclosure. Then bingo, suddenly this pair are
ʻdoom and gloomʼ about the banking collapse, excited in Cup Finals at Wembley, or World and
dominating every Grand Prix to such an extent
the deepening recession, the three million European Cup Football, but ice-dancing, are
that some of the teams and former champions
unemployed and all our ʻDishonourableʼ MPs you sure? Iʼve got a sneaking feeling that our
are shouting ʻfoulʼ and accusing the Brawn Team
at the expenses ʻhey-diddle-diddleʼ! And for my pair were having their wrists slapped for even
of having an unfair advantage with some of the
part, I promise not to waffl e on about the lack daring to revert to their amateur status after
new technology built into their car. But, despite
of work on the streets of London, or of trying to more than ten years as professionals. The latest
a thorough investigation by the F1 authorities,
discover the fi nal cab on the massive, never- rumour is that the judges who marked them low
ending station taxi-ranks. I reckon itʼs par for the thought they infringed the rules by fi nishing with
they gave the Brawn the thumbs up. So, on this
course for taxi drivers anywhere in The UK and a ʻbogʼ somersault. I still reckon itʼs because we
premise, it seems to indicate that just about
always prattling on about it can become boring. won the two wars!
any of the top racing drivers on the circuit could
This monthʼs theme for a giggle is sport, starting
possibly become World Champion if they had
with a piece I wrote in 1994 covering The Winter The mysteries of Formula One Racing
chosen to drive the Brawn – until the inevitable
Olympics. This particular event was watched by
arrival of an even faster car! As a fan I fi nd the
the biggest TV audience ever recorded at the Like most red-blooded men I thoroughly enjoy
Grand Prixs getting a bit too predictable.
time and made headlines throughout the world. the thrills and spills of F1 and even though I
donʼt really want the drivers to get injured in The conspiracy theory
“Letʼs face the music and dance” (From the the high-speed pile-ups, nevertheless they do
1994 Winter Olympics) make for spectacular viewing. But to quote an
I canʼt fi nish up my sporting roundup without
American word, I am discombobulated – or mentioning the recent Championʼs League
Without a shadow of doubt the most eagerly- totally confused to you and I, by whatʼs
semi-fi nal between Chelsea and Barcelona. I
awaited sporting event, at the time of writing this
happening in todayʼs F1 Driverʼs Championship.
must point out that Iʼm not a Chelsea fan, in fact
piece was the ʻHigh Noonʼ shootout between
I always believed it was the best driver who
I support Arsenal – but we wonʼt talk about that
Torvill and Dean and the two Russian pairs
came out at the end of the season as World
other semi-fi nal! Yet even I thought the referee
in the fi nal of this yearʼs Winter Olympic Ice
Champion. Such illustrious names as Michael
was abysmal and that Chelsea were worth at
Dancing. Let me confess from the off, I hate
Schumacher, Fernando Alonso, Kimi Raikkonen
watching any form of ice-skating because I
least two penalties, but this guy was NEVER
and our very own Lewis Hamilton, who won
am one of those soppy characters who take
going to give Chelsea a penalty under any
it in the very last race and on the very last
it all personally and get terribly embarrassed
circumstances! He compounded his mistakes
bend! But it appears that I was wrong and that
for the poor skater when they come a tumble
even further when he sent off the Spanish guy
itʼs the best car – and not the best driver who
on the ice. Remember the unfortunate young
comes out on top and the stats prove it. The
who didnʼt deserve a red card because he
lady skater at the last Winter Olympics who
last four World Champions – not even including
wasnʼt the last man in defence. Nevertheless,
attempted a series of complicated combination
Michael Schumacherʼs previous wins, won their
experienced pros like Drogba and Ballack were
jumps and fi nished up crashing through the
titles in just two different cars, the Ferrari and
bang out of order for their frustrated actions
ringside fence into the spectators? So on the
the McClaren. Then enters Jenson Button, a
and their abuse of the referee. The latest theory
rare occasions that I do watch it – and this time
likeable English guy with a bit of the playboy
making the rounds is that it was a conspiracy
was a must, I remove the loose cover from the
image. Heʼs been on the circuit for years and
by UEFA to prevent another all-English Final
arm of my chair and place it over my head like
was considered by some as a ʻhas-beenʼ and
in Rome and that the referee had received his
an old-fashioned dustman! When the skaters
a guy who had promised much but delivered
orders to that effect. I donʼt buy into that theory, I
start winding up for their big jumps, I pull the
little. Offer him the seat in your spanking-new
believe the ref just wasnʼt up to it because of his
cover over my eyes–Scoutʼs honour! But the
Brawn racer and line up the Brazilian Rubens lack of experience on the world stage and that
Torvill and Dean night was something special
Barrichello as his team mate. Now even this he blanked out on the big night.
wasnʼt it? That really was compulsive viewing,
even wearing my ʻdustmanʼs hatʼ. After their
Brazilian guy, who was Michael Schumacherʼs
perfect rumba of the previous day which took
stooge at Ferrari, has been on the circuit for 17 Copyright Alf Townsend 2009
them to equal fi rst, the odds were on our duo
nicking a gold medal for us. Iʼm no expert but
I thought their routine in the fi nal free-dance
was a perfect interpretation of ice dancing – as
opposed to both Russian couples
demonstrating what I would describe as an ʻice
spectacularʼ, more worthy of a professional
show. I reckoned our duo would get 5.9s right
across the board for both technical content
and artistic interpretation. The crowdʼs roar of
disapproval when Torvill and Deanʼs marks went
up was echoed in our household and I never
realized my dear Catholic wife was capable
of so many expletives. The poor old German
judge who had awarded them a measly 5.6
took the full brunt of our anger. We both agreed
that he probably hated the British and he was
possibly a founder-member of the Hitler Youth,
with maybe a father who served with Rommelʼs
46
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