TaLK
hersAY
The Nanny
diariES
HUMORIST HEIDI HALLER SHARES HER TIPS FROM
THE TRENCHES AS AN ACCIDENTAL AU PAIR
by hEidi hallEr
o there I was…waiting to board bathroom just outside my room had it not
S
chest, tummy down, tapping once again
a plane, traveling coast to coast, been for the missing lock (the house had
gently on his back. If you still have not
to relieve two stressed out, sleep- been childproofed!), giving the phrase “fear
gotten a good burp by the time the milk is
deprived parents of a six-day old of intimacy” a whole new meaning.
gone, try again. You will now…along with
newborn…and two small children…. In between changing the newborn’s
entire contents of his bottle. Survivor tip:
As both a mother and grandmother, I diaper after he’d been “bound up” for three
Drink a beer before hand. That way, when
was not new to helping out families in days and walking into the kitchen one
you burp, the baby will, too.
distress. After all, from the very first day morning to find the contents of an entire
❸ Cooking for the family: Make
my granddaughter had come home from coffee canister covering the floor, I learned
dishes that take a long time to prepare;
the hospital, I was there, too, cooking and to really appreciate the little things in life…
the longer you’re in the kitchen, the less
cleaning and changing diapers. (That is, like the tiny bottles of airplane booze I had
time you’ll have to clean. If there are
until my daughter kicked me out in a stuffed into my purse.
young children, ask them to help you
postpartum rage.) But that's besides the If you or someone you know is suddenly
cook. This can keep them entertained
point….What was unique about the family pulled into active duty to help out a new
for hours! For example, make a pot of
I was about to visit, however, was the fact I mom, don’t go AWOL! Just follow this list of
stew and have them count up all of the
had never met them. I was, in fact, a “gift” battle-tested “tips from the trenches” from
peas, corn niblets and diced carrots
from the man in my life who wanted to help someone who, well, survived!
inside. Survivor tip: Good chefs cook
out his daughter in some special way….so
with wine…GREAT chefs drink it!
he graciously offered to send me!
TiPs frOM The
❹ Bonding with the kids: Kids
I decided to look at the trip ahead as
TreNChes love a good story. So tell them the tale of
a once-in-a-life time adventure…the
the “Fairy Beasts”—furry creatures with
operative word being “once.” So, packing
❶ Diapering the baby: I’m convinced wings who live in trees and snatch bad
the essentials in my suitcase…a deck of
the plastic diaper was invented by a children from their beds when they've
cards, children’s DVDS, story books, a View
triathlete, hence “the endurance event”—a disobeyed. Repeat whenever they start
master and my beloved finger puppets, I
test of how long you can hold your breath to talk back, refuse to clean their rooms,
became a woman on a mission…hopefully
while changing a really stinky diaper; take a bath, brush their teeth, etc.…
minus the cyanide pill.
“the water event”—a race to put on a .You’ll have them from “once upon a
Upon my arrival, the party of five could
dry diaper before tinkle time repeats time.” Survivor tip: Tell them you’re
not have been more hospitable. They gave
and “the mental event”—a.k.a. figuring going to leave their window open "for
me the royal treatment, including my very
out how to deploy those sticky tabs fresh air" to get instant respect!
own bedroom—and I use the term “own”
on either side of the diaper. Survivor
loosely—which belonged to their four-year
tip: Wear a raincoat, change the baby All in all, my experience as a nanny showed
old daughter. (Though sharing a room
outdoors and lose the acyclic nails. me that giving yourself to others definitely
with her brother during my stay, this little
❷ Burping the baby: To release an air has its rewards. I got to give love and grew
fashionista-in-the-making was undettered
bubble in between bottle feedings, bring as a person and, though in a strange bed,
from entering my room, without hesitation,
the baby to a sitting position on your never slept so soundly. (That’s because I
and changing her outfit more times than
lap and gently tap his back. If this is not was so exhausted at the end of the day, I fell
Cher.) I might have found refuge in the
successful, trying placing the baby on your asleep putting on my pajamas!)
MyUNDERTHESUN.COM l May 49
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