my five centS: life iS Short. college iS Shorter.
15
For this last edition of Greek This There are a slim two percent of I think that the guy that makes secret bylaw in the U.S. Constitution LAUGH OUT LOUD
Week, which I’m proud to say has adderall takers who actually need it, all those Transporter movies and that says no one who has a picture
already been more successful than and all you tweaky-cant-sit-still-for- that-movie-where-he-just-shoots- of themselves doing a keg stand can
any other newspaper in the history a-damn-minute people can ignore all-the-bad-guys-that-is-just-like- lead the free world.
of newspapers (please that first bit. the-Transporter-except-different It’s been a good semester and a
note that this is based Pizza Express may or should be made Secretary of Kickin’ good start for the fabulous My Five
more on “fake” statistics may not sprinkle crack in Ass. There wouldn’t be elections for Cents column, thanks for all the
then “factual” statistics, their cheese sauce, because the position, instead every four years e-mails, and keep sending me stuff
but it’s all pretty much that stuff is addictive. I keep that guy and the next most toughest anytime you come across something
the same), I have expecting to find “Express” dude will have to duke it out in the funny, you have something to
decided to let you have a junkies sifting through the Primary Election Cage Match To complain about, or you have hate
glimpse inside my brain. dumpsters behind the frats The Death which will be on C-SPAN, messages to send me because you
Here I have collected the looking for one more hit of giving it the channels best ratings just don’t like me. I’m going to be
random thoughts that cheese. They’d be trying to in history. Then we could all get writing a blog over the summer
bounce around inside get their Pizza Fixpress… banners and t-shirts that say things where I’ll keep up the humor, so
my dome, and put them okay that last joke was like “Chuck Norris is 2012.” please check out the website at
on paper, so that you, the pretty dumb. How come F starts at 69? I think www.myfivecents.net where you can
reader, can get a better
Garrett Stack
Here’s a joke I made up 50% should be the highest that F comment on everything I put on
understanding of where
Delta Tau Delta
myself. “What do you call an starts. I mean, if I woke up after a there and write stuff of your own.
I’m coming from when empty space ship?: A hollow hard night at the bars, and I had Until next year (unless I get fired
I write the “My Five Cents” column. Apollo!” Get it?! I’m sending it to the 50% of the money left over that over the summer, which is always
I’m warning you now that you may guy that puts the jokes on Popsicle I brought out with me the night a distinct possibility), remember
be offended, confused, and probably sticks, so if you have just finished a before, I would definitely not call to always keep your eyes and ears
aroused. So with no further ado, let tasty frozen treat and you read that that a failure. open, because you never know when
me present the Random Thoughts joke, then mission accomplished. I’m pretty sure that none of us something dumb is going to happen.
of Sir Garrett Michael Stack III If you are ever wondering what it can ever be President of the United
Esquire (I was given this proper is that makes college so great, then States. We would all be kicked out
garrett Stack is a junior
title when I saved the Queen from a just consider Wednesdays. In the of the race based off of our Facebook
studying journalism and
band of crazed gypsies, but that tale adult world, Wednesdays are called pictures alone. There’s actually a
biology. you may reach him at:
is for another day). “hump” day for some reason and it
myfivecents@yahoo.com.
Nobody likes to say the word is just another day of the week. In
‘moist’. I’m not sure why but it college, Wednesday is like the first
seems to be universal that ‘moist’ day of the weekend…God love fifty
is a gross word. Go ahead and try cent beers.
to use ‘moist’ in a sentence without What in the hell is twitter, and
sounding sexual and disgusting: why does anyone care?
“Oh no, I spilled this big, long drink I have an idea for a new candy
on myself and now I’m all moist.” bar. I want to melt a snickers and
W
See…eww. a milky way together in a bowl in a
ednesday
If Ball freakin’ State can have a microwave, smush them together
good football team, how come IU in candy bar form, dip it into
struggles so much? Our school chocolate, let the whole thing cool
is like eight times bigger than down and slap a wrapper on it
theirs. Maybe we should just show that says “Uncle Garrett’s Magical
, April 29, 2009
potential Ball State recruits some Mystery Candy”. Patent pending.
footage of a little 5 party, and then I hear that we are going to have
show some footage of what Ball to switch to Gmail at IU. That’s bull.
State people do for fun, which is… I like webmail and screw Google; it
uh…? thinks it’s better than me.
What do the people who make I have always wanted to sneak
Peeps do with all the unsold Peeps into a press conference where
after Easter? I wonder if I could reporters all take turns getting
get a truck load of them for really their questions answered by some
cheap and put them in a swimming important person, like Dick Cheney,
www
pool. Then when people come over and then right after he finishes
to my house I can be like, “Yeah, answering some question about
.greekthisweek.com
check out my magical marshmallow U.S. foreign affairs in the Middle
swimming pool.” I’d have the East, I’m going to ask, “Mr. Cheney,
sweetest Cribs episode ever. what would you say to allegations
Adderall is “lazy people medication”. that there are photos of you and
There is no such thing as ADD; a goat in inappropriate situations
there are just a lot of people who floating around in the internet?”
don’t want to read about dynamic Then I could write a story about
business solutions or tetra-butane how “Vice President Cheney was
chemical structures. OF COURSE left speechless after bombshell
you can’t focus, because no one allegations concerning his conduct
can, but it’s not because you have a with goat” and not be lying, which
disease that requires medication, it’s would be a change from my usual
because you don’t have self control. stories.
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